To think I didn't do anything wrong here

[FluentRubyDog]

Bear with me, it's a long one, I'll try to keep it brief, but apologies for any dripfeed. And I think this is more of a rant, anyway.

DSister has 2 DC, Dniece turning 15 next month and Nephew just turned 12. DBIL comes from a family where his DF is a bit of a chauvinistic and overbearing character. When the DC were small, the money was tight and they both worked every hour possible, so every Saturday one parent would take the DC swimming and the other would clean up. DBIL was actually rather good at it, to the point where, if you're still in swimming circles, you're likely to know his name. However, 2.5 years ago DSis had health issues that took her out of it. Dniece seemed to be following in her father's footsteps.

When Dnephew turned 11, Dsis's FIL (rather wealthy himself and doting on Dnephew, but Dnephew only) bought him a season ticket for a Premier league club. Dniece for the same birthday got a book. As Dnephew can't go alone (SEN and very young for his age), Dbil has to go with him. Neither Dsil nor Dbil could stand up to Dfil to stop it (and they were a bit blindsided, tbh) and now, to afford Dbil going, all expenses had to be severely trimmed down and swimming went through the window.

Now DBIL and DNephew spend weekends at the football, DSis does the housekeeping and Dniece is left to her own devices.

I've been talking to the Dniece a lot about it, and she's hurt by her DGF'S behaviour, but doesn't want to cause hurt for her parents. She is quite smart, in top set, and set on going into my old field, psychology. Unfortunately, her one sore point in school is maths, which she needs on quite a high level (says 6, but realistically 7 due to high demand) in local 6th form Psychology A levels, so she hoped for some tutoring in GCSE years, but now this isn't possible. So I talked to my Dsis, offering to pay for tutoring myself, but Dsis couldn't accept that. We settled on Dniece babysitting for me on Saturdays and I would pay the tutor in lieu (don't worry, Dniece will get "tips" too).

All seemed settled, until DFIL found out and WW3 erupted. Apparently, how dare I pay for Dnieces tutoring when Dnephew is SEN, but apparently still better investment uni-wise (I love my Dnephew and he's a lovely boy, but even his parents acknowledge uni may not be the right path with his level of SEN. Things may still change, though).

So now I'm the bad guy, DBIL and DSIL are under barrage, and DFIL keeps demanding my contact details. Apparently, "he is willing to compromise if I pay for DNephew's tutoring, too". I am willing to compromise by refraining to go over to his and giving him an earful. I am sticking with my DNiece, but my DBIL and DSIL keep going on re: the position this puts them in.

Anyway, I'm exasperated. There are several family birthdays coming where confrontation is likely. Any advice on how not to end up with birthday cake up anyone's nose would be deeply appreciated.

And breathe...

He is your BIL's father?
Don't even engage with him, what you do is none of his business.
Your poor sister married to such a pathetic wimp AND with an arsehole of a FIL

No advice other than to cover him in sugar and push him into an apiary. Just wanted to say that you sound like a great sister.

So long as they live in 'his' house they will always be obliged to follow 'his rules'. However he can't tell you what to spend your money on and his son will have to be clear about it with him.

As for family get-togethers, ideal opportunity to ask him why he thinks he can tell you what to spend your money on. Yes there will be a tantrum, but you're in the right so his arguments will deflate.

I understand it all though because my grandkids' other grandad is like this. Thinks he can dictate to his son and my dd what they can/can't do. His son is a wet lettuce but my strong dd made the sensible decision to move 60 miles away from the in-laws which completely blunted his claws.

Men like this really do walk among us

I can picture him now. Misogynistic prat

This is always the hardest but best burn there is out there 😂

But surely back in obnoxious grandfather's time, children of age 12 were either finishing up going up chimneys to earn their keep or going down the coal mines to earn money. Why is he begrudging her some help?

How did their FiL hear about this arrangement? Who blabbed??

Why does FiL have such a strangle hold over them? Is he paying their mortgage or have some compromising photographs to hold over them???

What you do for your niece is of no business of his. End of story.

The phrase you’re looking for with him is “That’s interesting you think you get an opinion on this matter” best if said with a raised eyebrow 🤨.

And then just shrug and wander away.

I feel really bad for your neice, it's bad enough her grandfather treats her less than her brother but both her parents are also letting her down massively. Shes had to give up a hobby she sounds very skilled at because not only has her grandfather decided her brothers feelings and interests are more important but so has her parents.

This goes way beyond the tutoring. I bet she's getting the message that the feelings of males in her family come above hers in other ways too.

The parents could say no to taking him to every match so that his sister gets time too. The parents could have said no to buying a ticket, they chose not to so that their son wouldn't be upset, and they won't stand up to the grandfather and make sure their daughter is treat fairly too.

Part of me wonders if bil would be willing to make big financial cutbacks and do all the cleaning if it was his daughter and wife fucking off out to do a hobby every weekend and HE was the one left at home with his son.

The grandad is a twat, I'm sorry but her parents aren't sounding too great either by not putting their foot down years ago.

I think this is the best response. Not sure how it will go down with FIL but it is highlighting all the salient points

Edited as had same word (sort of) in a sentence

In defence to my BIL, the man is utterly exhausted. Due to nephew's school catchment, he commutes up to 3 hours a day, does more than fair share of housework due to my sister's disability, traipses to football games - to be fair he isn't even that fond of and can't move out without risking his son's only viable school placement while having to put up with his father on a regular basis. He didn't used to be a wimpy, he's just totally shattered with it all.

There's nothing you can do if your DN's parents refuse to stand up for her and are beholden to the misogynist twat of a FIL for the roof over their heads. They've already thrown her under the bus indulging the season ticket costs at the expense of her swimming fees. Are you sure your BIL is not enjoying this and quite happy for his wife and daughter to pay the price whilst playing the football martyr? If the FIL, BIL and SIL are intransigent on the matter of telling the FIL to wind his neck in, the only thing you can really do is publicly rescind the offer, and then go behind their backs and get her a tutor anyway.

Why isn't FIL taking his grandson to these matches? Surely he should be doing this if he cares so much about his grandson. Sorry if it's been covered above

But what’s he offering as the compromise here ? As far as l can see he isn’t. He just wants you to pay for tutoring for nephew. Or else what, exactly ? He’s also clearly missed the fact that your niece is effectively working to put herself through the tutoring. And they’re not even his kids !! Frankly he sounds bonkers and l’d avoid him like the plague. Sorry OP, but l don’t think there’s any way you’ll placate him without a scene if he starts in on you at the family gathering. Horrible man.

Just tell him that you will treat the children the same; when your nephew is 15, you will allow him to do some jobs for you and in exchange you will fund a tutor in one subject of his choosing. That will be complete parity-unlike you, your arsehole FIL, who bought a book for niece and a many thousands of pounds gift for nephew that has severely impacted on family funds and activities. Can you explain how you have kept things fair there? And I’d give him a big stare

Nephew's behaviour is visibly SEND, so his grandfather doesn't like to be seen with him in public unless my nephew is behaving perfectly. Of course, one look of his favourite football team and my nephew behaves like a boy would, and then his SEND becomes really visible.

You do not have to engage with him whatsoever. Do not give him that power. If he approaches you tell him you will not be discussing the matter. If he continues tell him to stop harassing you and go and talk to someone else, talk over him, turn your back, or leave (safely).

My contributions to threads like this are rarely welcome but families like this are toxic and as your DSis or BIL I’d have had to tell FIL to fuck off long ago.

As they didn’t then, they need to now.

In your position I’d call him myself, tell him he doesn’t get to tell me how to spend my money and then tell him to fuck off with his favouritism and shitty behaviour.

But I appreciate not everyone is as comfortable with confrontation as I am.

I was afraid of that.

Could you DBIL his DF that DNephew has expressed a desire to go to football games with him? Then DFIL will be paying for his ticket, and DBIL will be freed up to take DNiece swimming on those days. The tutoring....why can't you all say "You're absolutely right! What was I thinking?" and then ask DNiece to babysit twice per week - once where she actually babysits, and once where you don't happen to have plans and tutor her chat about maths instead?

Apparently, because I'm a woman, I'll go back on my word, so both tutoring have to happen at the same time. Arsehole.

Your BiL and SiL have the requirements for their kids arseways.

They either say thanks for the ticket and then they get tickets for whatever matches they can get tickets for, by dealing with the club directly and selling the ST back to the club (if that is possible). They do NOT spend the £££ on getting an adult season ticket so that they end up screwing their daughter or they say Thanks but no thanks, it's too expensive and we can't afford that and stick to it.

They are showing by their actions that being a girl in that family is an inconvenience and something that doesn't deserve any sort of investment in their future.

That is shocking!!!!

They need to move OUT of the house that FiL bought for them, even if it is to the detriment of their son (temporarily as he'd find a school somewhere).

I just knew from your opening post @FluentRubyDog, that the FiL here had some hold or other over them, and he does, as long as they stay in that house.

What a prick. Tell him to keep his beak out.
Really though your sis and bil need to break away from him. Even if they have to move away. It isn’t their house if he can throw them out of it.
These poor kids are going to be seriously fucked up here. Your nephew as well as your niece. You have to stand up to a bully it’s the only way.

I was going to question whether there's an element of him sidelining his DDs, then their sons because of family name - and now his bloodline male has send.

So he's a chauvinistic pig who now is overcompensating behind his normal overcompensation?

And in general, this should be a cautionary tale for all of you placating a toxic relative which seems to be every second post some days.

People like the FIL always turn on you eventually.

So let's face it, he only likes your nephew because he's going to carry on the family name (because girls can't do this when you are a time traveller from the 19th century). He doesn't actually want to spend time with him, does he?