To think I didn't do anything wrong here

[FluentRubyDog]

Bear with me, it's a long one, I'll try to keep it brief, but apologies for any dripfeed. And I think this is more of a rant, anyway.

DSister has 2 DC, Dniece turning 15 next month and Nephew just turned 12. DBIL comes from a family where his DF is a bit of a chauvinistic and overbearing character. When the DC were small, the money was tight and they both worked every hour possible, so every Saturday one parent would take the DC swimming and the other would clean up. DBIL was actually rather good at it, to the point where, if you're still in swimming circles, you're likely to know his name. However, 2.5 years ago DSis had health issues that took her out of it. Dniece seemed to be following in her father's footsteps.

When Dnephew turned 11, Dsis's FIL (rather wealthy himself and doting on Dnephew, but Dnephew only) bought him a season ticket for a Premier league club. Dniece for the same birthday got a book. As Dnephew can't go alone (SEN and very young for his age), Dbil has to go with him. Neither Dsil nor Dbil could stand up to Dfil to stop it (and they were a bit blindsided, tbh) and now, to afford Dbil going, all expenses had to be severely trimmed down and swimming went through the window.

Now DBIL and DNephew spend weekends at the football, DSis does the housekeeping and Dniece is left to her own devices.

I've been talking to the Dniece a lot about it, and she's hurt by her DGF'S behaviour, but doesn't want to cause hurt for her parents. She is quite smart, in top set, and set on going into my old field, psychology. Unfortunately, her one sore point in school is maths, which she needs on quite a high level (says 6, but realistically 7 due to high demand) in local 6th form Psychology A levels, so she hoped for some tutoring in GCSE years, but now this isn't possible. So I talked to my Dsis, offering to pay for tutoring myself, but Dsis couldn't accept that. We settled on Dniece babysitting for me on Saturdays and I would pay the tutor in lieu (don't worry, Dniece will get "tips" too).

All seemed settled, until DFIL found out and WW3 erupted. Apparently, how dare I pay for Dnieces tutoring when Dnephew is SEN, but apparently still better investment uni-wise (I love my Dnephew and he's a lovely boy, but even his parents acknowledge uni may not be the right path with his level of SEN. Things may still change, though).

So now I'm the bad guy, DBIL and DSIL are under barrage, and DFIL keeps demanding my contact details. Apparently, "he is willing to compromise if I pay for DNephew's tutoring, too". I am willing to compromise by refraining to go over to his and giving him an earful. I am sticking with my DNiece, but my DBIL and DSIL keep going on re: the position this puts them in.

Anyway, I'm exasperated. There are several family birthdays coming where confrontation is likely. Any advice on how not to end up with birthday cake up anyone's nose would be deeply appreciated.

And breathe...

How did DFIL find out? They should have know what he would be like and kept quiet!

Don't rise to his bait - options are
Let him say his piece, nod, say 'riiiiiiight' or 'thanks for that' then walk away
Say 'of course I will look at what nephew needs when he's 15 too'
Say 'so how exactly is what I do with my money any of your business...?'

If I got annoyed I might throw in - well being as you spent £X hundred on nephew and £10 on niece, I'm making it fairer

What a tosspot

Any chance she can restart swimming now she's older going by herself?

Your sisters FIL should be nothing to do with anything you do and he should be told this definitively. He's not your problem

Your sister and her husband are in a very difficult decision due to their son’s send. Her fil is a bully but they are damaging their daughter by allowing this situation. And her husband and daughter have had to give up their hobby too. Awful situation

I'll compromise you through that window (Derry Girls) comes to mind

is the house in his name then? as in is his name on the title deeds? if not then he can jog on - does he get on with his daughters? probably not I guess?

The house isn't theirs then?

Have they been saving for their own house?

I would go this route too… Kick the can down the road a bit x

Tell him you'll pay for nephew's tutoring when he pays for niece to have a season ticket too.

They started saving, then that was wiped out by my sister needing private treatment. Her pain levels were horrendous and the NHS waiting list was monstrous. Even so, the house prices in the catchment of the school aren't within their reach, even if they were both full time.

@FluentRubyDog Your niece needs to make it clear to her grandfather that she gets paid for doing babysitting for you, and then spends the money on maths tutoring. It's none of his business what she spends her hard earned cash on.

As for your DBil - he needs to grow a pair of balls, thank his dad for the season ticket gift for his son, but say unfortunately as you cannot afford the second ticket to go with him, the season ticket is of no use.

It's not fair to spend all free cash just on one child when they can't afford a tutor for the other. GCSE maths is far more important than a football game.

Just politely say “How I spend my money is nobody’s business but my own.” Then change the subject. Don’t let him bully you.

The only way to treat this man is to tell him very firmly to keep his beak out and refuse to engage further.

Who the fuck does the FIL think he is?! If any of my nieces or nephews other side of the family tried to interfere with what I wanted to do for them, I'd be telling them where to go. "I'll compromise if she does what I want"

I even considered offering my niece to move in with me for GCSEs/A-levels, to take her out of the situation, but it'd break my sister's heart.

Not that it's anything to do with him at all and nor should you need to justify to a misogynistic old dinosaur like him what the hell you choose to spend your money on, but surely this is simple: one side of the family (fil) has paid for the season ticket for one child and the other side of the family (you) has paid for the tutoring.
Mind you, that's still not technically fair on your niece as she's still having to earn her "treat" by babysitting whereas your nephew presumably gets his for free.
But I wouldn't be discussing your finances with him in the first place. Fuck all to do with him.

Unchallenged ruler of the world, of course. Feel sorry for his wife. An utter mouse of a woman.

This whole thing is crazy. What is being asked of you by your sister? I can't see how you need to do anything about this situation - FIL can do one. If I were you I would be most happy for him to have my contact details so I could have it out with him. But if you don't want the confrontation, then just keep on doing what you plan to do and ignore it.

He sounds nuts. Ignore.

But he’s not the unchallenged ruler of you though is he. Don’t defer. Fuck the patriarchy.

Have you suggested to DFIL your nephew earns it by working for it - doing your gardening. Then mention it'll be X day (pick the one he's at matches!)

If he says he can't because of football then shrug!

Sometimes you have to face these twats and look them in the eye with steel.

Then if he starts ranting just calmly say "you decide how to spend your money, I decide how to spend money"

Rinse and repeat.

And watch him explode like the Trunchball because you won't react!

To avoid a horrible scene…

Let him have his full say the first time you encounter him at a family event (just drift off inside your head) when he runs out of steam, just gently say “I’m sure you’re right” - then move away and leave it at that.

Don’t change arrangements with niece.

Tell your sister that if she gets anymore hassle from FIL to say that you thought he made a good point about fairness and you will offer DNeph exactly the same deal when he turns 15 too. Babysitting job to help pay for a tutor in one subject of his choice. (You can decide in three years if that’s the best option for you all).

Unsurprising. Normally women who are married to these cockwombles have been so brow beaten over the years, they've had the life sucked out of them.

FIL has been watching ‘Succession’ on a loop has he? He sounds exhausting.
Sadly, people like this are highly controlling ‘faux’ benefactors and get agitated when someone steps on their patch. I mean how dare you OP?
Engage your niece in gainful employment which will no doubt benefit her future?
What would he rather do - have her work on a mangle in a workhouse?
Sadly the parents in question here have played into his hands living in that house. He now feels he has control over them.
As for next time you meet, I would play it as cool
as a cucumber?
‘Oh the Maths lessons George? Well Lottie may not make it past doing stock checks in the local
Morrisons or totting up a few invoices in the local
florists, bless her. I would say you specialise in supporting the male line where you are clearly the expert at making the big decisions. Now do tell me, how are that team you are all obsessed with getting on?’

Oh and my ds is a swimmer - I'm desperate to know who your BIL is 😂

@FluentRubyDog

1. tell him it has never been a legal requirement that women change their name on marriage
2. tell him you’re going to pay for DNiece’s swimming that she no longer gets as well now and how come it’s ok that he ONLY bought a big gift for DNephew?
3. point out that BIL is almost broke trying to pay for the away games etc plus own season ticket

But tbh your BIL and DS should consider whether 11yo is going to any more games. He could turn out spoiled and like mini Grandad otherwise! They should also change the locks on the house.