Am I really that U to change name at work?!

[Misting]

Recently got married and getting my surname changed to my husband’s name everywhere, including at work. The main reason for this is that this is a second marriage and my current surname still links back to my first marriage. I feel it’s finally time to put a close to that chapter and switch to my new married name. It links back to a very unhappy marriage from my younger years and I should’ve changed it years ago. Equally my maiden name is rather unfortunate, so never felt attached to keeping that either.

Ive successfully changed my name everywhere besides my workplace, which I requested recently. Upon speaking to colleagues I was largely met with bemusement as to why I’d want to change my name, particularly given I’m in a professional role and one colleague even condescendingly to it as being “sweet” that I’m “still doing that sort of thing”. I should say they are not aware of my previous marriage. Equally, my IT department contacted me to ask if I really wanted to change it, as apparently it causes a total headache to do.

AIBU for requesting this? Is no one changing their name when they get married these days and especially not at work?

In principle I am opposed to the idea of women taking their husband’s name on marriage for the reasons articulated here and elsewhere. It’s ridiculously outdated and patriarchal.

That said if you really want to do it, the “IT headache” isn’t a reason not to. That’s part of their job and you won’t be the first or the last person to do it. People do it still in many industries and others get used to it quickly enough.

Do you work for NHS by any chance? IT can change it but it is a pain

I didn’t change my name when I got married because I felt I had to, I changed my name because I think having my husband’s surname is part of what makes us married, and I wouldn’t have kept my maiden name for the world. And as we’re all being honest, I judge women who have different surnames from their husbands, or hyphenate children’s names when they are married to their father, so I certainly can’t criticise you for being equally as judgmental!

If however like lots of women on MN who don't like their birth surname (their poor parents how did they cope with that surname!)

Well I suppose my Father coped just fine with his name @1apenny2apenny, but he's an utter cunt so I didn't particularly want to share it.

I suppose I could have made a name up out of nowhere but my Husband's surname is lovely so now he, I and our Son all share it.

OP; my work had changed my email address by the time I got back from honeymoon (they knew that was my intention; they didn't assume). Tell your IT department to get over it and get on with their job.

We managed it, but it was far more difficult than a name change. More difficult fir HR than email and user account names. We complained to ourselves, not the trans person or HR, though.

Only had one comment made when I changed it and that was along the lines of 'you'd better keep this name if I'm changing it' - as the one who got married before me lasted 2 weeks before changing it back (she left him - she was having an affair before she got married - shouldn't have gone through with it)

There are several people who I've known as both surnames and often will be referred to as either - even years down the line, but it's no big deal

How would it advance women’s rights? It’s a cultural norm but not an expectation - as a younger woman married in the last few years I can attest to the fact that you’re more likely to face judgement for changing your name than not. But what rights will women gain if everyone stops adopting a joint surname on marriage?

I changed my name at work but got a new job and left before the centralised IT department ever changed my email, had my old name email for a year.

🙄

Yanbu, your clients will know it's you, very unreasonable for colleagues to question what you want to do. Xx

And as we’re all being honest, I judge women who have different surnames from their husbands, or hyphenate children’s names when they are married to their father, so I certainly can’t criticise you for being equally as judgmental!

I'm comfortable with that. If having my own personal identity - rather than becoming an adjunct to a man because I've chosen to commit to him for life - means I'm 'judged' by certain women who believe the rest of us should be kept in the box in which they think we belong, I'm very happy to have inspired a negative response.

I've noticed a similarly frequent correlation between women who reason like this and snide passive aggression I often receive when I insist on my accurate title of 'Dr'.

The censure never emanates from men, it's interesting to note. Must really grate that I'm just as much a legal wife to my lovely DH as 'Mrs Hisname' is, and that our family is one unit whose DC are in no way confused as to who their parents are.

No one's 'judgement' is affecting either me personally or an increasingly changing social precedent. Bummer, isn't it? 😀

You can call yourself whatever name you want and your work colleagues have no business questioning your actions and choices

YANBU

But having said that I haven't got my husband's surname either but there's a reason.

When I divorced my first husband I didn't want to keep that surname but I didn't want my maiden name either as I'm no contact with my entire family as they're toxic and freely admit they never wanted a girl - really.

So I went back a generation on my dad's side and took my grandmother's maiden name instead - changed it by deed poll.

I then married my husband who is Heathen, I can't take his surname as it's a male name, I'd have to take the female version.

BUT in Heathen beliefs the wife never took her husband's name anyway, it was the other way around - the women had (hate the phrase but easier to describe it) 'more power' - it was for the man to provide a home and food etc, children if she wanted them etc - but the wife was in charge of home and equal in the village - if women had better ideas they became the person in charge.

A woman could divorce her husband for many, many reasons by simply going out onto the street and say 'I divorce you' 3 times. The husband could only divorce her for very few reasons - adultery mainly.

It was only when Christianity took over that women lost their rights, took their husbands name as a sign of 'ownership'.

It's really interesting researching the history of England pre-christianity.

It nice that you wa't to give up your identity and take on part of your husband's identity I guess your work mates finds it old fashioned have you spoken to anyone about why taking on part of your husbands identity is a nightmare would it be easier to keep your own identity for work purposes would your husband be happy with you keeping your identity just for work

She's chosen to do this. She has that choice. Calm down!

Does the fact that countless women make a different choice and keep their own name not tell you anything?
It's absolutely acceptable to do so, and the fact that op has chosen not to is nobody else's business.

call yourself what you like
your IT team should be able to set up an alias on your account so that anyone emailing misting.oldname@... will still get through to your mistingnewname@ email address.

There's something wrong if it's a headache. My IT department told me that basically my old email address still exists but that the name attached to it they've updated. They've then added an email address with my new surname as an alias attached to the original one - basically either email address can be used and the name associated with the account is my new one. They couldn't change my username for a couple of the systems which is linked to my old name but I'm not bothered about that.
I got no questions about doing that and I'm over 40 and had my old name there for several years!

You get married as a women you automatically loose part of your identity and then loose ability to make independent decisions as so many women believe they have to consult their husband on every decision to be made while men keep their identity and have full abilities to make independent decisions without a discussion with their wife a women can also loose financial independence through marriage

How strange!