Am I really that U to change name at work?!

[Misting]

Recently got married and getting my surname changed to my husband’s name everywhere, including at work. The main reason for this is that this is a second marriage and my current surname still links back to my first marriage. I feel it’s finally time to put a close to that chapter and switch to my new married name. It links back to a very unhappy marriage from my younger years and I should’ve changed it years ago. Equally my maiden name is rather unfortunate, so never felt attached to keeping that either.

Ive successfully changed my name everywhere besides my workplace, which I requested recently. Upon speaking to colleagues I was largely met with bemusement as to why I’d want to change my name, particularly given I’m in a professional role and one colleague even condescendingly to it as being “sweet” that I’m “still doing that sort of thing”. I should say they are not aware of my previous marriage. Equally, my IT department contacted me to ask if I really wanted to change it, as apparently it causes a total headache to do.

AIBU for requesting this? Is no one changing their name when they get married these days and especially not at work?

Funny how it's only ever the men who get their own names in this argument, isn't it? You refer to both the woman's father and her husband as having their own names, with no conditions, even as your first paragraph says nobody owns a name. And of course, there's no mention of the woman's own mothers involvement in the naming process either.

Counter-argument: women have more socially accepted options for their names than men do. While there’s a decades-long history of women keeping their birth names or hyphenating their names, men taking their wives’ names is rare and seen as strange.

I couldn't wait to be Mrs X and I don't care what anyone else thinks!

I had 2 friends change their names and it made me assess whether we shared the same life values. I was very upset when my sister changed her name

Not friend related as I couldn’t care what anyone else did/does in this regard but I did have the same experience with DH. At some point before we married I thought to say ‘you realise I’m not changing my name right’, and he said something to the effect of ‘well, yes, because if you did I wouldn’t be marrying you’, and it’s at that point you do appreciate you are with someone who shares your values.

Can also relate to the sibling aspect. Again, not personally as could not have given a flying fuck what my own siblings did, but I do know that none of my kids would be at all happy if their siblings changed their name. The one thing they do like is sharing the same name (which is different to mine and DH’s, it’s unique to them).

You will notice I referred to 'my' surname, not my father's. I also made no reference to a husband.

I think my point was lost on you

Is no one changing their name when they get married these days and especially not at work?

Not sure what you mean by ‘these days’? I’m not young, have worked for several decades and during that time I can’t think of any direct peer colleagues who changed their names on marriage. I think a few may have double-barrelled but it would be on the rarer side. There have been plenty of other non-direct peer colleagues who I have seen change their names over the years though.

Notice that you referred in your example to the woman's surname as having been got from her father, and added no such condition to either the husband or the woman's father himself. Despite the fact that they probably got theirs the same way.

That use of language says a lot, even when you don't want it to.

I told my husband that I would double barrel my name but in reality this has only extended to Facebook 😂 I wouldn't change my name at work and I don't see others doing so very often.

That said, I ran into an old work colleague last week who said she recently got married and was in the process of changing her name on everything. I felt a bit taken aback by it. I've always had a lot of respect for her (and still do!) and she's a strong professional woman, I'm not really sure why I had that reaction. I suppose I must be a bit internally judgemental of it.

I admit I had a friend who used to go on and on about wanting her boyfriend to propose so they could share a name, and I found it all a bit pathetic!

It’s not like you’re changing your first name.

They will get use to it, it’s their problem, not yours! Who cares what other people are or aren’t doing.

You change your name and don’t let anyone make you feel crap for doing so. No one should be commenting as it’s none of their business. As for IT, like someone else said, it’s their bloody job.

I worked for a large, as in global-large, IT company and saw many people change surnames and some first names - it was never an issue for customer facing staff or SME's.
The issue with the "IT" department is typical, they are never people-people and just can't be arsed - so, follow your company procedures (change request etc) and ask the IT lot to pull their heads out of their arses.

Are you not in the UK? It’s pretty much the norm here.

Surely it’s the woman’s right to choose what she wants to do.

I was ironically fortunate when I lost my job shortly after getting married as it meant my new job didn't know me by any other name. Although a mistake on my NI number meant I didn't actually exist tax-wise for a few years...

If you'd changed your name by Deed Poll they'd have a legal obligation to use the new name. If you've got everything else with your new surname I feel they are being petty and lazy to not change it. I know I'd feel weird if anyone used my old surname and I lost a whole lot of prejudice when I changed mine which I didn't know existed.

I changed my name back after divorce. It was a bit annoying having to tell everyone at work, sort out email etc but nobody queried it. Whatever people might think privately, it’s unprofessional and inappropriate to make patronising, judgemental comments to a colleague.

You can legally change your name. Married or not. No idea why your employers or colleagues have a problem with it. Just do it, ignore their nonsense and embrace your new name.

People can be pretty judgemental about judging people on their name changes after marriage. I’ve had someone shout me down and call me not a feminist for changing my name to my married name, which I object to. To me havingmy father’s name as my surname, when I have no contact with my father and I didn’t choose that name is not something I want. I chose to have my husband’s surname. My husband’s name is not his surname passed on through generations either it came from a remarriage, so again it’s just a name we both share. He probably would have changed to mine if I had wanted mine. I don’t have to explain that to anyone but people assume they know why you are making a certain change but you don’t always know why someone wants to change their name via marriage and that’s entirely up to you.

Seriously?? You got upset with your sister changing her name?? Weird!!

Your colleague's bemusement is just one of those things, and I don't think you should take offence at it.

However, the IT department at work should just get on with it. People may change a surname for all sorts of reasons.

I've had my married name for 20 years, and built up a professional following. Still not batting an eyelid about changing back to my maiden name with my divorce imminent. Wish I'd never changed it in the first place but got caught up in the romance of being married.

I work in HR, loads of people change their name to their married name, or vise versa

This!!! Imagine the kick back if they told a trans person how much it was a PITA to process the name change....

YANBU and quite honestly they have got a cheek questioning it!

YANBU and your colleagues are being arseholes

I imagine the I.T. Dept. wouldn’t have decided it was too difficult if the name change was due to a gender change.