Am I really that U to change name at work?!

[Misting]

Recently got married and getting my surname changed to my husband’s name everywhere, including at work. The main reason for this is that this is a second marriage and my current surname still links back to my first marriage. I feel it’s finally time to put a close to that chapter and switch to my new married name. It links back to a very unhappy marriage from my younger years and I should’ve changed it years ago. Equally my maiden name is rather unfortunate, so never felt attached to keeping that either.

Ive successfully changed my name everywhere besides my workplace, which I requested recently. Upon speaking to colleagues I was largely met with bemusement as to why I’d want to change my name, particularly given I’m in a professional role and one colleague even condescendingly to it as being “sweet” that I’m “still doing that sort of thing”. I should say they are not aware of my previous marriage. Equally, my IT department contacted me to ask if I really wanted to change it, as apparently it causes a total headache to do.

AIBU for requesting this? Is no one changing their name when they get married these days and especially not at work?

I’ve spent hours explaining to wide-eyed female colleagues that no it’s not illegal to keep your name, and yes we are married, and no you don’t have to call yourself Mrs and yes, you can give children your name even if you’re married.

Bloody hell, you work with a load of dimwits!

Agree with @VarietyIsTheSpice during the many years I was a teacher even 5 year olds could cope with the teacher changing name.

IT can redirect your old.email to you new one. I have maiden name, ex H name and now current DH name.

If you are changing your name just do it. It's no one else's business.

any source for "most people don't change their names?"

Not dim - wholly disingenuous.

It's tantamount to the wide-eyed protestation 'but I don't understaaaaand' so often seen on MN.

Any woman who has married will know changing their name is an inconvenient hassle. If you don't change there is none of the inconvenience of taking forms to the bank, etc. You need do nothing at all.

Yet still it's so often the married name-changers who have assaulted me with the bizarre claim: 'but your husband's name is your LEGAL name!'

It's my contention that they know fine well it's not. They're just making a cheap, passive aggressive point intended to keep other women in what they see as our 'box'.

I say bollocks to that noise.

I'm still going with dim by the description of the conversations!

A decent IT system shouldn't have a problem with this. A good one will let you look up Jo Bloggs and find Jo Smith.

My DS had two primary teachers in a row who got married and came back with a new name. So he naturally thought that's just what happens when women get married. I tried my best to make him understand it's not a required part of marriage but 100% of his experience is hard to argue with.

I have absolutely no issue with personal choice, my two best friends changed their names and I kept it zipped. But at a societal level, the expectation that women undergo a status shift upon marriage while men don't just won't go away.

Our IT people accidentally set up a colleague’s email with her very simple name incorrectly spelled. Think Ann and they’ve spelled it Amn. They now say they can’t change it, would be too difficult etc. She’s not that bothered as she doesn’t really send a lot of emails from that account (she uses our main info@ one) but it gives me the absolute rage on her behalf.

What is the “status shift” (apart from the obvious change of marital status, which the man also undergoes)?

I’m struggling to equate changing name with changing societal status.

I really don’t like my husband’s name, and resisted taking it for that reason - but I had a shitty childhood and never knew my bio dad whose name I carried. So when my DH said that he wanted me to take his name because it was his family’s name, a family that loved me as their own, welcomed me joining and would always be there for me - unlike my own family - I was won over. Taking his name was about becoming part of something bigger for me and our children, not about patriarchal tradition.

When people commented on why, I told them. They tended to lose the superior smirk.

only a subset of women change their names

most men do not change their names

there are roughly equal numbers of men and women eligible to change their names upon marriage

therefore most people don’t change their names

A subset??

Subset: a set that is part of a larger set

That’s a change of title, but there is no automatic assumption that a “Mrs” is lesser than a Miss or a Ms. So the status in society remains the same.

Also, titles are barely used these days except on forms. At work, none of my colleagues or clients have any reason to address me as Mrs or Ms or Ms. They just use my first name. Colleagues who did not work with me prior to my name change have no idea whether my name is my married one or the one I was given at birth.
Paper correspondence at work is rare these days and would just be addressed to first name surname. Same for the men.
My son’s teachers address us as Jane and John. My doctor and dentist call me Jane.

The only people I can think of whose marital status titles are used at work are teachers and surgeons.

I put Ms on forms. There is no situation I can think of in which I would be treated differently depending on the title I used.

My father changed our family name when I was 5 in the early 70's so as I was at school I had a new name to learn to write double barrelled at that 🤣....then in my 30's I got married and took my husbands name....early 40's got divorced and gladly went back to my name change name from +5 years of age. Then 3 years ago mid 50's I got married again and double barrelled my name with my husbands actually loosing my birth surname in the process 🤣 husband stayed with his surname.
I've changed my name a lot in my lifetime and not once has it crossed my mind it wasn't by my choice ( or my dads) or for my enjoyment....as for IT auck it up buttercups that is the sort of stuff you are paid to do not sneakily play games and drink energy drinks

Well, perhaps as a DV and CSA survivor the opportunity to eschew connection to my bio family and be included within a new extended and loving family meant more to me than it might do to you? The safety and unconditional acceptance his family offered, symbolised by taking his name, was a true gift.

22 years later, we are still happily married. 59% of first marriages do not end in divorce, you know, and that statistic improves by 39% if you have been with your premarital partner for more than 3 years (we were together for 10years before we married).

And if we ever had divorced… so what? My kids and I would have the same name. Not all marriages end in divorce and not all divorces are traumatic and acrimonious.

Rubbish! And so smug...😏

I changed my name personally but not professionally. And not doing so professionally (but having done so legally) caused a headache at work with IT systems etc.

You do what’s right for you. I work in a highly regarded professional career and I’d say most of my female colleagues changed their names.

I changed my surname when I had kids. The surname I chose also happens to be their father's surname. It isn't 'his' surname. No one owns a surname, the same way countless baby name threads observe no one owns a name.

Prepared to bet that most of the ardent, not changing their surname group have a surname that came from their own father. I can't see that keeping that surname is any more a feminist act of revolution against the patriarchy than changing to the surname of a person you have chosen to share your life with.