Contributions from (pensioner) MIL to household

[PaterPower]

My MIL has been living with my partner (her DD) and I for about 18 months.

When she first moved in, we set contributions at £400pm. She was still in the process of selling her property and had ongoing bills, so fair enough. She agreed at the time that her contribution would go up once the sale completed. That happened about 2 months ago.

We reminded her on Friday about the promise to up what she was paying. She’s declared that she “doesn’t agree” that she should, mainly based on my DP’s DD (her granddaughter, early 20s) paying less. We’re not charging my DSD much because she’s trying to save a deposit and she’s not on a massive salary (but does work FT).

My MIL’s £400 goes a long way. We cook for her, change her bed linen, provide support on admin tasks, take her to her (many) medical appointments, shopping trips when she wants to go out and it covers all her food, electricity, our additional heating costs etc - basically everything.

She has mobility issues and can no longer cook anything more than a microwave meal (and even that only with some help). She helps load and put the laundry on and she will help with loading and unloading the dishwasher on occasion. She’ll occasionally wipe down the kitchen tops. I don’t begrudge what she does and doesn’t do, just adding it for context.

Her regular income from various pensions is good - she’s not scraping around for money, particularly now that 99% of her monthly outgoings stopped with the sale of her property.

AIBU for asking for an increase in her payment to £600 pm?

She has no reason to renege on the original agreement.

@PaterPower I wonder if the payment is a red herring here. Isn’t there a bigger conversation to be had around whether you and her DD can actually continue to provide the care MIL needs long term in your home? Her needs will increase; you both work full time (one of you even works nights); when will you be able to care for her?

I know I couldn’t have supported my DM or MIL to live with us whether they were contributing £600 or £6000 a month!

Considering you are also buying her food and cooking for her then I agree the contribution needs to be increased, otherwise you are going to be left out of pocket with this arrangement.

Slightly different scenario here, but we built an annex for a family member. They are self sufficient and buy all their own food/do their own cooking etc, but we pay the overall bills (electricity, heating etc) for the whole household. They contribute £300 a month which is more than their individual household bills would come to, but I guess they're conscious that they didn't contribute much time the build costs (not that we expected them to)

I would charge them both the same, but tell the daughter that a percent of hers will be saved to gift back.

YADNBU

As a member of your household, your MIL offered to increase her contribution once she was in a position to do so. She is now in that position and her living expenses should be costed and presented to her for discussion, along with the comparative figures for assisted living.

It's likely that in the 18 months she's lived with and been cared for by you that she's got out of touch with prices even though she was previously fully responsible for her own living costs.

I hope you can resolve this amicably and your DSil plays a part as you and your DP look to be doing all the heavy lifting here

You aren't running a professional boarding house, therefore it's none of MILs business how much DSD pays, and I wouldn't be doing any behind the scenes calculations so it appears "fair".

MIL agreed an amount and is now reneging on that whilst getting a lot from living with you.I would be angry.

No I think £400pcm is fair. Anything more and you would be seen to be taking advantage of MIL. She is not requiring care home levels of care from you. We are supposed to look after our elders. Either stick at £400pcm or ask her to move out.

She needs to stick to the agreement but you need to look at the long term implications of this. Its probably not sustainable as it sounds like she needs a lot of support. Look into assisted living now. Most places have waiting lists so you need to be organised. I suspect the minute you start quoting costs of assisted living she'll dig her heals in saying she needs to save for that. Its going to be tricky, but you need to stand your ground.

I think you need to itemise and add up all your utility, food and petrol bills for each month and call a family meeting. Maybe your DMiL doesn't realise how much everything costs nowadays, especially energy. Is she intending to live with you permanently now? If so, it's only fair that she contributes her quarter of the bills.

OP what rate PIP does your mil get? Does your do work? If your mil gets enhanced mobility then she can get a car again for you/dp/dsd to use for her needs, and you can use it at other times too - mil doesn’t have to be named as a driver. If your dp or dsd earn less than £151 per week then they can claim carers allowance, this does not affect your mil PIP.

LadyGabriella · Today 11:51

No I think £400pcm is fair. Anything more and you would be seen to be taking advantage of MIL. She is not requiring care home levels of care from you. We are supposed to look after our elders. Either stick at £400pcm or ask her to move out.

Mother in law wouldn't get anywhere near the support in a care home that she is receiving from OP and partner!

Sounds like you've had to do a lot of convincing yourself that that was okay.

Personally, I think you sound like a boiled frog.

Did you agree for her to live with you forever? That is quite a commitment. Especially as her health will decline and her physical needs increase. Rather than asking for more, it might be time to arrange for her to move out.

While I quite see that the amount she is paying isnt covering costs and should be increased. I do feel sorry for her! She is old,in poor health,no longer has any autonomy over her life, is dependent on other people for basic needs like food! Nobody here seems to be able to imagine how frightening and disempowering this must be for an adult who has lived in their own home, brought up a family and possibly had a career. As you get older so much is taken away by age and ill health! dignity autonomy and a sense of being valued in the world and in addition she has lost her own house and is now living under other peoples good will and auspices. She must be scared and feeling alone. We often as a society dismiss the feelings of older people as annoying or ridiculous and patronise them and speak down to them and yet these are other adults who have lived full and often useful lives like ours. From what you say i think assisted independent living might be her best option giving her autonomy and removing the financial burden on you and your partner. Relationships are often damaged when there is tension over money and it might be better for all if you if this is no longer a factor

But she has an assisted living environment living with you. It's just in your own home and costing her a lot less.

@EI12 I am Asian and making plans to move my mum into my house in a couple of years. I am not going to be charging her anything. And I will be taking her to appointments and cooking/caring for her if needed. So will my DH.

Asian values are different though. They are not better or worse; just different and I wouldn't presume to call OP disgusting.

I am also not going to be charging my DC anything for living with me. No doubt people will think I am a mug. Everyone has to do what's right for them.

Is there likelihood she will need residential care in due course? If so, she’s probably thinking about funding and having some savings for this.

Also, how involved is she in household decisions? Maybe she wants to feel less like a paying guest

I don't think anyone will think you are a mug. It's a nice thing to do if you can manage/afford it. But I could not have other adults in the house and afford to pay for the extra costs. I also would not find it easy to take a parent to regular appointments - wouldn't have the time off work. Anyone who moved into my home would literally be on their own all day, five days a week.

I think you need to separate out the things we do for our family from love and care for them, (which for me would include help with admin, serving them a portion of the family meal we'd be cooking anyway and taking them to medical appointments they can't access themselves) from things that leave you out of pocket. Your MiL should be covering the extra expenses incurred from her living there, her food, utilities usage, petrol for her errands etc, basically anything that you wouldn't spend if it weren't for her. If cleaning and laundry for her is onerous, then maybe buying in that.
Then, to ensure the arrangement is mutually beneficial, an element of 'profit' for you at a rate that doesn't leave her short, but compensates you for the compromises of the arrangement.
If the arrangement is also saving care costs that will result in a greater inheritance for your partner, you need to remember that too as if so anything you do and spend now will be repaid to some extent in the fullness of time.

Yes @sleekcat it would be hard for most people. Only possible for me as DH and I WFH fairly flexibly. I think I might choose to go into assisted living when the time comes.

I always think @5128gap has good advice and her logic seems sound!

Sorry if mentioned already but you can potentially get a reduction, and back pay on your council tax if someone in the household has a diagnosis such as dementia. Have a look on your own Council website or on Martin Lewis Money-saving site for guidance

As a partner I think you are very kind to have agreed to your MIL moving in.
For many it simply wouldn't happen.
It is not unreasonable at all for her to fully cover her costs when she is more than able to.
You own part of this house and it is not on you to subsidise your partners parent with a healthy income.
What your DSD is asked for is none of your MIL's business.
Speak up and make your position clear or suggest to your partner assisted living elsewhere might be best.

The agreement was always that she would pay more once she no longer had her own house bills - how is it unfair to enforce that? I don't see why you thinknits taking advantage- just her food bills alone could easily be £200 a month. Then add on the extra electricity, gas, maintenance, driving to multiple appointments etc. £400 probably isn't even covering her costs.

I dont understand you saying you've added those details for context, if they aren't costing you money what context are you referring to?

Surely she's moved in because of her age and health issues and not for you to charge her for daily tasks? How much in bills and food does she actually cost you? Charge her that.

I think what your dsd is paying is not relevant. She shouldn't be judging her own contributions based on this as her circumstances are different. I dont think 600 is alot for living expenses, I don't know about factoring in your time unless you are losing money to manage her care and you are acting as her official carer. Also just wondering why it bothers her paying 200 more.. is she saving for something else.. is she going on a cruise and needs the money herself?