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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend tent when it’s our only means of holiday?

204 replies

Picklepepp · 19/08/2024 10:20

So we love going camping, we have quite a good set up with a big 8 man tent. As I am currently not working due to looking after DS who is almost 2, also not being an overly high income anyways, camping is quite often our only means of holiday with our 3 children (DD5, and DSS11).

Our family friends asked to borrow our tent and camping gear for a week camping last year, which we did agree to. They said they had no issues and that they cleaned it for us so didn’t think that we needed to get it out to check it before putting it away for winter, only to get it out at the start of this year to find it covered in mould where it had been put away wet, did my best to clean it all off for us to use this summer. Now they’ve asked to borrow it again and I basically replied saying that I’m a little bit conscious of the wear and tear of the tent being used if lending it out, but they are more then welcome to borrow anything else from our camping stuff. Now she’s not replied which I’m thinking is because she’s a bit miffed off.
They do work hard and so rightly so, go on many holidays a year. Their financial situation is better then ours so obviously this tent is our only means of holiday a lot of the time, so just feel a bit hesitant to lend it out when we can’t afford to replace it, and even if it didn’t get broke, I’m conscious of poles being weakened etc so when we used it then it’d be more prone to breaking.

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
EndlessTreadmill · 19/08/2024 12:41

CornishTiger · 19/08/2024 10:26

A simple

No sorry when we checked it at beginning of year it was covered in mould so we have decided only to use it ourselves as a family from now on.

This. Don't bother with the tentpoles example, that sounds like scrapping the bottom of the barrel. Just say it was damaged last time, so I'm afraid I can't afford to lend it out again.
(Also, as an aside if they are now using it every year, it makes sense for them to buy their own).

Stompythedinosaur · 19/08/2024 12:41

Picklepepp · 19/08/2024 12:39

The struggle we have is our garden is actually smaller than the tent, so it wasn’t that easy to get it out, put it up and check it otherwise we probably would have. But she said that they had got it out once they were home and cleaned it so I wrongly assumed this extra effort meant it was done correctly, which I do get is on me and am kicking myself for.

Show quote history

You shouldn't have had to! The person who borrows the tent is obviously responsible for drying it out and packing it away.

They are 100% in the wrong.

ToffeeHammer · 19/08/2024 12:50

Simply tell them that last time they returned it wet and when you next out it up it was full of mould, therefore you're not willing to lend it again.

Ratherbeaspoonthanafork · 19/08/2024 12:50

CornishTiger · 19/08/2024 10:26

A simple

No sorry when we checked it at beginning of year it was covered in mould so we have decided only to use it ourselves as a family from now on.

This exactly. They obviously didn’t realise or didn’t care. This reply should suffice.

They are being CF’s they should either buy themselves a new tent or buy you one.

OhmygodDont · 19/08/2024 12:53

I’d never lend out a family tent to anyone. The angst I get putting our tent up the fear of it suddenly ripped as it’s stretched out then the fear as well did we even make sure it was dry enough nope nope. Our tent was well over £600. Tbh I’d find it rude to be asked 🤷🏻‍♀️

Now a piddly little 2 man tent where you open the door and fall into bed sure I’d loan out.

MrsWombat · 19/08/2024 12:54

Definitely, no! I've got a spare Aldi 6-man tent that I bought for the teens or to lend out to anyone who dares to ask. The expensive Vango tent does not leave my sight!

OrangeJeans · 19/08/2024 13:00

No way would I lend. It's one of the most expensive but most fragile things you could lend. Non campers don't necessarily understand about drying out/how thin the groundsheet is etc. They can find one on eBay or Freecycle, or in the current sales, if they're that bothered. I saw a big 8 man for about £400 the other day in one of the sales.

outdamnedspots · 19/08/2024 13:01

Sweetteaplease · 19/08/2024 10:24

Why didn't you say it was covered in mould? I think in these situation you should be honest with people, you don't have to be rude about it, but they need to know

This.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 19/08/2024 13:06

FrenchandSaunders · 19/08/2024 10:45

I lent a friend our camper van and their son pissed in the corner of it. I know accidents happen (although he wasn't a tiny child!), but they didn't even mention it. I'd have been mortified and offered to pay for a proper valet rather than let the owner find out some time later.

Let my friend use our static caravan and explained ahead of time we don't have cleaners for it so it needs to be left exactly as found. She promised me it was in good condition when she left.

The next lot of guests arrived to piss in the corner, muddy footprints all over the sofa and beds, mucky knickers under beds. Not paying guests, family, but they still had to spend their first day cleaning and scrubbing.

I rang her to confront her about it but as soon as she answered she was in tears as her partner had just dumped her (timing or what?)

She rang this past week to see if there was any availability for the rest of the school hols, and I just had to tell her under no circumstances will she be using the caravan again as it was so disrespected last time she went.

TransformerZ · 19/08/2024 13:10

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 19/08/2024 13:06

Let my friend use our static caravan and explained ahead of time we don't have cleaners for it so it needs to be left exactly as found. She promised me it was in good condition when she left.

The next lot of guests arrived to piss in the corner, muddy footprints all over the sofa and beds, mucky knickers under beds. Not paying guests, family, but they still had to spend their first day cleaning and scrubbing.

I rang her to confront her about it but as soon as she answered she was in tears as her partner had just dumped her (timing or what?)

She rang this past week to see if there was any availability for the rest of the school hols, and I just had to tell her under no circumstances will she be using the caravan again as it was so disrespected last time she went.

Show quote history

How can you still be friends with this disgusting person?!

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 19/08/2024 13:12

@TransformerZ I think friend is a very loose term now.

Our relationship has definitely fizzled out to just pleasantries in passing of each other.

hookiewookie29 · 19/08/2024 13:16

NotSorry · 19/08/2024 10:27

We're caravanners now but used to be campers. We've been asked to borrow our caravan and have always said "no". It's our pride and joy and we'd be extremely upset if it got damaged. YANBU, I wish you'd told them that they left it to get mouldy.

Same here!
Plus..I don't want anyone else sleeping in my bed!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 19/08/2024 13:18

Your over thinking it massively. Just say no..you don't need to explain it to them in any detail.
"Aw sorry we can't lend it out any more, it's on its last legs"

jellybean99 · 19/08/2024 13:23

YANBU they put it away wet and I’d say so.

They are cheeky fuckers borrowing yours when they have enough spare income, and then returning it damaged essentially.

OrangeJeans · 19/08/2024 13:23

OrangeJeans · 19/08/2024 13:00

No way would I lend. It's one of the most expensive but most fragile things you could lend. Non campers don't necessarily understand about drying out/how thin the groundsheet is etc. They can find one on eBay or Freecycle, or in the current sales, if they're that bothered. I saw a big 8 man for about £400 the other day in one of the sales.

Actually ignore my previous post - they are as little as £179 on GoOutdoors site for an 8 man eurohike tent. Not a make that will last years I suspect, but would do them for now.

redtrain123 · 19/08/2024 13:27

www.mountainwarehouse.com/search/tents/ www.mountainwarehouse.com/search/tents/]]]]

you can pick up a six man tent for £160. If they intend to camp regularly, they need to buy the gear.

Their holiday is not your responsibility.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 19/08/2024 13:33

They gave your tent back to you not properly aired etc etc after last year and it ended up mouldy. They're jolly lucky not to have ended up with a bill for a new tent.
You're not being unreasonable to say no to lending anything to them again.

Qanat53 · 19/08/2024 13:35

Tell truth-
sorry it’s all really mould and rusted. Couldn’t possibly lend it out.
Tell lie-
sorry, already loaded it out

IamnotSethRogan · 19/08/2024 13:43

You're not being unreasonable at all. Even if they hadn't already proven they couldn't look after it properly you would be withing your rights.

I had a family member go away for a camping weekend and he refused to borrow our tent despite being offered because it was a bit lads lads lads and he knew it was a decent tent and he'd be worried about damaging it. Despite me not really having any desire to ever go camping again.

WoolySnail · 19/08/2024 13:43

KielderWater · 19/08/2024 11:38

I wouldn’t mention the mould. I would consider that as much my fault as hers for not checking it when I got it back.

You wouldn't mention the mould, but would you lend it to them again?

Codlingmoths · 19/08/2024 13:46

Hi friend, I wonder from the lack of reply if you’re miffed I said no. I should be honest with you and say when we got our tent out after you borrowed it last it had been put away wet and was covered in mould, it was a lot of work cleaning it. We can’t afford to just buy another one, so we decided to not lend it out again.
<op>

it was shitty behaviour of her and she should know.

shuffleofftobuffalo · 19/08/2024 13:48

Fine to not lend it out, I would have said no first time round for something that precious! I learned the hard way people will never cherish something that's special to you the same way you would, easier to say no and save the heartache.

But the mould is on you not on her, you made the assumption there and the mould was the result. If the tent is that important to you the sensible thing would have been to check it over as soon as it was returned.

Also, they have no way of knowing you've not lent it out another 6 times since or used it yourself and caused the damage yourself, it's not fair on them.

coxesorangepippin · 19/08/2024 13:54

Yanbu

Unless they return it as lent, along with a bottle of wine, then no more lending

Original poster
Picklepepp · 19/08/2024 14:18

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/08/2024 11:16

OP. You are too nice and too worried about upsetting the pushy friend, who is not worried about borrowing quite an expensive piece of equipment that YOU rely on.

They even "said they had no issues and that they cleaned it for us so didn’t think that we needed to get it out to check it before putting it away for winter"

They TOLD you not to check it and you obeyed them.

You absolutely must tell them about the mould. I would have sent them a photo of it there and then, to answer any debates about how bad it was.

I think part of the reason that its hard to say these things to people, is that somewhere along the way we've been conditioned by others that if we don't do what they say, they will be angry and will turn their backs on us, or that they will no longer be friends. Somewhere along the way this has felt scary and so we feel obliged not to upset people by saying no to them. ( I realise this could just be my experience!) But it might help to think next time... what's the worst thing that could happen if I just politely say no and keep saying no to some request you don't want to comply with. It then makes you think well, that's a polite reasonable request.. the person asking has no compunction about being pushy... is that really worth their throwing away our friendship or holding a grudge. You have to remind yourself that you have equal rights to them and that people should treat you well, not try to exploit you, in which case a No is fully justified. It's hard, but when someone has been pushy with you, the relief of finally saying a resolute No is quite dramatic. It always feels like a bit of risk, but it's definitely worth taking as practice from time to time. Often you find that a clear resolute no and not just a wishy washy reluctance, is just accepted, which is an eye opener when it happens. It also helps to think that you are not just doing this for yourself, but having the tent ruined by someone else stops your DC having a nice summer holiday...it's like that old negotiating technique of "If it was just up to me I'd say yes, but I have to think of a, b, c. " Which takes the responsibility off you somewhat because "its out of my hands."

Happy Camping x

This is really really good life advice, thank you for taking the time to write it@DuckbilledSplatterPuff x

OP posts:
llamalines · 19/08/2024 14:19

There a lots of of tent sales on at the moment as it's near the end of summer. They should buy one.