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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend tent when it’s our only means of holiday?

204 replies

Picklepepp · 19/08/2024 10:20

So we love going camping, we have quite a good set up with a big 8 man tent. As I am currently not working due to looking after DS who is almost 2, also not being an overly high income anyways, camping is quite often our only means of holiday with our 3 children (DD5, and DSS11).

Our family friends asked to borrow our tent and camping gear for a week camping last year, which we did agree to. They said they had no issues and that they cleaned it for us so didn’t think that we needed to get it out to check it before putting it away for winter, only to get it out at the start of this year to find it covered in mould where it had been put away wet, did my best to clean it all off for us to use this summer. Now they’ve asked to borrow it again and I basically replied saying that I’m a little bit conscious of the wear and tear of the tent being used if lending it out, but they are more then welcome to borrow anything else from our camping stuff. Now she’s not replied which I’m thinking is because she’s a bit miffed off.
They do work hard and so rightly so, go on many holidays a year. Their financial situation is better then ours so obviously this tent is our only means of holiday a lot of the time, so just feel a bit hesitant to lend it out when we can’t afford to replace it, and even if it didn’t get broke, I’m conscious of poles being weakened etc so when we used it then it’d be more prone to breaking.

am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 19/08/2024 10:55

Christ some people are so bloody cheeky. Don’t lend her anything, it never ends well.

AuntieEstablishment · 19/08/2024 10:57

"Sorry, no, we're not lending out the tent any more. If you choose to buy one, remember that it has to be completely dry, including of condensation, before packing. Our tent is mouldy because it was packed away damp when you used it."

GanninHyem · 19/08/2024 10:59

I think the only thing you've done wrong is not tell them exactly why you're not lending it to them.
"Unfortunately when we loaned you the tent lady time, it wasn't aired properly as you said and it has gotten mouldy and damaged over the winter. We won't be loaning out our things from now as we cannot afford to fix the damage caused by others."

I do think it was a bit short sighted not to check it before you stored it for the winter though. Tent lesson 101.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/08/2024 11:01

Could you price up a tent and tell them that when you took the tent out there was mould on it and the only way that you will now lend it out is if the people who you lend it to, pay you a deposit (this is where the price you've worked out comes into play) which would be whatever the replacement cost of a tent is to you.
If it comes back with no mould, they get their deposit back.

I mean why should you be out of pocket for the cost of a tent when they are the ones damaging it by not looking after it properly.

BusyMum47 · 19/08/2024 11:02

Sweetteaplease · 19/08/2024 10:24

Why didn't you say it was covered in mould? I think in these situation you should be honest with people, you don't have to be rude about it, but they need to know

This! ⬆️ I,
I'd just be honest about why you're not lending it out anymore...to anyone. And don't feel guilty about it. It's YOURS.

Original poster
Picklepepp · 19/08/2024 11:02

Thank you everyone, this has given me more grit to stand my ground with it now!

I will muster up the courage to tell her about the mould if she doesn’t reply or does reply in a miffed off way. I am 100% a people pleaser who needs to get a back bone, but am working on it!

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 19/08/2024 11:02

I would have told them it was covered in mould because they’d put it away wet, so no they can’t borrow anything else. But I would also have unpacked the tent as soon as it was returned, to check all was ok.

sadie93 · 19/08/2024 11:02

Stand your ground and be honest about the mould, too.

I might lend a tent to someone once, but if someone is going camping every year, they need to buy their own.

Andthereitis · 19/08/2024 11:03

"We lent it out last year and it was put away wet and was mouldy so we spent a lot of time and effort cleaning it and don't want to have to do that again so have made the decision never to lend it out again. OH WAS THAT YOU WHO BOUGHT IT BACK WET?"

The bit in caps is optional.

OlympicBlue · 19/08/2024 11:04

I would 100% say that actually as she had said she had cleaned it you took her at her work but it was dirty/wet so now mouldy and you’ve had to clean it and can’t risk further damage.

We’re getting a caravan and won’t be letting anyone borrow it! The family member who borrows stuff has form for not giving stuff back and then flaunting they have our stuff next time they see us!

KielderWater · 19/08/2024 11:04

Tents wear out through use. If you lend it it is used more and will need replacing sooner even if well looked after. If it can be used eg 10 times 2-week holiday before needing replacing then by lending it out twice you are effectively gifting them 20% the price of your tent.

However you were foolish not to get it out to check/ensure was properly dry when you got it back last time.

Twiglets1 · 19/08/2024 11:05

Picklepepp · 19/08/2024 11:02

Thank you everyone, this has given me more grit to stand my ground with it now!

I will muster up the courage to tell her about the mould if she doesn’t reply or does reply in a miffed off way. I am 100% a people pleaser who needs to get a back bone, but am working on it!

It’s hard. I also would probably not mention the mould to a friend. But now they have asked to borrow the tent again, you may have to.

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 19/08/2024 11:07

I agree with everyone else that you really need to tell her what happened. If she's not used to camping she quite possibly didn't realise how important it is for things to be bone dry.

Have you been able to rescue it so it's back to its former standard or is it permanently damaged? If so does this compromise your future use of it? Maybe she'd be glad of the chance to put it right. One possibility that might work depending on everyone's circumstances i that she buys the tent from you at its secondhand value and you get a new one in the sales. That way you get to upgrade and she gets to try out a tent for a few more holidays while she works out whether camping is really for them and what features are important. I appreciate that this means more trouble and expense for you, but it might nevertheless be worth considering.

MzHz · 19/08/2024 11:07

@Picklepepp why on earth would you have only said that guff about wear and tear? that family pretty much fucked up your tent and you have been all vague and fluffy about it? Grow a pair of lady balls and stand up for your family. if you you, who? if not now, when?

What you should have said is the last time you used it, you clearly packed it away WET and now it's mouldy so no, you won't be lending it again. I'd further more say that since you are friends you wont fall out over this, but that you are pretty fed up that your only tent, your only holiday option is damaged.

Cocothecoconut · 19/08/2024 11:08

We have a tent
i would lend it to my son as I know he would look after it ( ex cub /scout) no way would I lend it to a friend

Mintypig · 19/08/2024 11:09

Be honest with them that they left it in a mouldy state. By not being honest you are leaving them miffed.

Hufflemuff · 19/08/2024 11:10

Wow I don't think I've ever seen such a clear win on votes haha. 431 votes, 100% YANBU. I think you can rest easy!

MeridianB · 19/08/2024 11:10

You did a nice thing lending the tent in the first place. She let you down really badly because even someone who has never camped before knows that you don't fold something up when it's wet and put it away.

You are 100% right not to lend it again. Please tell her why but don't let her talk you into another loan ("Oh sorry, well we'll dry it this time" etc etc). Stay strong!

MaggieFS · 19/08/2024 11:12

Nope. And I agree, you need to tell her about the mould so she understands why.

Strictlymad · 19/08/2024 11:14

Call me mean but I don’t lend anything ever- people do not respect your stuff and you end up out of pocket. If someone wants to camp yearly thy need to by a tent. If someone is in dire straights financially and needs clothes/shoes etc I’ll get them some or a gift voucher. Absolutely do not lend your tent!

Gettingbysomehow · 19/08/2024 11:16

You have to learn to say no, you also don't have to give a reason, just say it isn't convenient right now.
This is a skill learnt with age after someone has wrecked your stuff for the nth time and you are sick of it.
I don't lend a single thing out now especially as a very valuable book came back with a coffee ring on it.

CoffeeCup14 · 19/08/2024 11:16

I think asking to borrow a tent is perfectly reasonable - I"ve borrowed tents before. They're expensive to buy. Some people are happier to lend stuff than others though, so I think a lot of people's reactions will depend on whether that's what they're used to.

It's possible she thinks she gave it back to you dry - if she's not used to camping she may not have known it needs airing. So I think it's worth letting her know what's happened.

Decathlon hire out tents at pretty reasonable rates so I'd probably suggest that to her - it's what I'm going to do going forwards as I don't really like being responsible for other people's stuff.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/08/2024 11:16

OP. You are too nice and too worried about upsetting the pushy friend, who is not worried about borrowing quite an expensive piece of equipment that YOU rely on.

They even "said they had no issues and that they cleaned it for us so didn’t think that we needed to get it out to check it before putting it away for winter"

They TOLD you not to check it and you obeyed them.

You absolutely must tell them about the mould. I would have sent them a photo of it there and then, to answer any debates about how bad it was.

I think part of the reason that its hard to say these things to people, is that somewhere along the way we've been conditioned by others that if we don't do what they say, they will be angry and will turn their backs on us, or that they will no longer be friends. Somewhere along the way this has felt scary and so we feel obliged not to upset people by saying no to them. ( I realise this could just be my experience!) But it might help to think next time... what's the worst thing that could happen if I just politely say no and keep saying no to some request you don't want to comply with. It then makes you think well, that's a polite reasonable request.. the person asking has no compunction about being pushy... is that really worth their throwing away our friendship or holding a grudge. You have to remind yourself that you have equal rights to them and that people should treat you well, not try to exploit you, in which case a No is fully justified. It's hard, but when someone has been pushy with you, the relief of finally saying a resolute No is quite dramatic. It always feels like a bit of risk, but it's definitely worth taking as practice from time to time. Often you find that a clear resolute no and not just a wishy washy reluctance, is just accepted, which is an eye opener when it happens. It also helps to think that you are not just doing this for yourself, but having the tent ruined by someone else stops your DC having a nice summer holiday...it's like that old negotiating technique of "If it was just up to me I'd say yes, but I have to think of a, b, c. " Which takes the responsibility off you somewhat because "its out of my hands."

Happy Camping x

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 19/08/2024 11:16

I would say when we unpacked it it was covered in mould where you'd put it away wet, I spent ages cleaning it and it will damage it if it keeps happening, so I'm not lending it out anymore as it's our only means of going on holiday.

Be direct!

CharlTen79 · 19/08/2024 11:16

Definitely not. Decent tents aren't cheap, they can invest in their own tent as clearly they have a recurring them of going camping :) time to buy their own!