Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

It might be an outdated idea but my kids come first

It sounds like the younger kids are also suffering though?

Are you able to part finance accommadtion and pop over regularly to check in on him/ check bills are being paid etc?

Mid 20 year olds are usually either at university, in a house share or in their own space entirely. It's not unreasonable for your husband to expect an adult to be thinking of moving out. Does your son work? What are his life plans? Does he want to live at home for the free board and lodging for life? What do his friends/potential partners think?

Is there a reason your adult DS doesn't regularly take his medication? Sounds like it would be to everyone's benefit (including his!) if he did?

And I guess - what's the long term plan? Do you think most likely he'll be living with you for life? I think you need to be realistic about what the future looks like here.

If he stays you think the family will split and he will have to leave with you. If he leaves the family home stays intact and he has a safe place to visit?

it sounds like time to start to move towards more independence. Very few people are going to tolerate his behaviour so that’s something to work on. Why won’t he take his meds and how much difference do they make? What kind of work does he do and is there scope for using work as a lever into moving?

I don’t think this can be achieved quickly but if you can all agree a plan which helps DS move forward towards independent adulthood this isn’t a case of throwing him out.

I have a teen son with ADHD so understand the high energy bit and pacing being annoying - is there a place where your son can do this to his heart’s content ?

The winding up of siblings sounds particularly annoying - I assume that ds doesn’t spend much time alone in his room?

It’s tricky because Ds moving out would make the majority of your family happier but if he’s not ready then he’s not ready. Does he even earn enough to move out ? It’s expensive for young people to move out and it sounds like your ds might need other people around for company? Has he spoken to you about what aspect of moving out scares him ? If it’s the more practical stuff like paying bills can you help him learn ? If it’s about not being alone then a house share might be worth a try ?

First, remind everyone it is not your job to sort out their discomfort with each other. It is their job. Tell your DH and your DS to go for a walk together and discuss their issues and not come back until they have resolved some.

But you do have the right to say to DS: you are an adult now, so if you choose to stay in your parental home instead of taking on the responsibility and cost of living on your own, you need to accept that convenience comes with non-negotiable rules and if you refuse to live by them, you have to move out.
Rule 1: Take your meds
Rule 2: Get an outside of the home hobby at least twice a week and sign up for some community service at least once a week (helping at a food bank or gardening or helping a local scout group with games etc.)
Rule 3: Behave like an adult. Cook for the family and clean up after you cook at least once a week. Contribute willingly, without being asked or nagged, to cleaning and tidying house and garden.
Rule 4: Behave like a role-model adult towards younger siblings. Be kind and supportive. help them out. Take them out occasionally, for a treat or a game of frisbee or swimming etc.

Would you ask him to leave if you were a single mother?

I'd say it would be better for everyone including your son to find a way of him living independently. His behaviour is affecting your other children as well as your husband. At some point you won't be around/capable to support him and what then.

Try speaking to any heath workers he is in contact with. Especially regarding not taking meds.

I think that you need to ask him why he won’t take his medication. If his medication means less arguments in the household then you might have to make it a condition of him living there.

I think your eldest son is old enough to be told to shape up or ship out. Stop winding everyone else up, (particularly his step father) have consideration for everyone else in the family, TAKE HIS MEDS and actually start behaving like an adult if he wants to carry on living there. You'll have to tell him this, you've got so much riding on it. I'd agree with PP about your kids come first, but his behaviour is on the point of breaking up a family unit and leaving you in dire straits with the younger ones. So either he starts behaving and hopefully family life improves for everyone or else he moves out but as he is right now who would want to live with him? He's setting himself up to fail throughout life by not taking the meds.

I'm not personally in a position to and I don't think she will.

when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out

This, not taking his medication and winding his siblings up are all reasons why I would tell him, not ask, tell him that he has to move out. I think you need to get a bit more direct with him OP as at the moment he rules the roost.

Who’s “she” ….are you the fed up DH ?

He does have a job but it's minimum wage and no plans for the future, he's just drifting along. He only has a few friends and they have families/careers so he doesn't get out much.

I'm really not sure he seems to make elaborate plans for the future which change regularly but nothing actually materialises.

Kids come first. Why would you eject a vuberable young man? Your child?
There must be another solution. I would always put my child first and would seriously judge my DH if he expected me to throw my child out.

It sounds that way!

He only won't take his medication because he doesn't believe there's any need to, he believes he is fine without them.

This has changed over the last few years IMO. I know lots of adults in their 20s living with their parents again. Not sure if it's a London thing!

What about the other kids? Do they not get to come first?

Which part of Dreamland are you in? We now have the highest number of adult children living at home with many stuck in their 30s

Hard as it sounds for you - (in my opinion quite intolerable for you) why is it falling to you to make all the approaches and negotiations. You are all part of the same family and need to act in a supporting way to each other.
If ds is not ready to go then he needs to realise that his ADHD notwithstanding is making life hard for everyone else as he has no concept of his affect on everyone else in the home. Your dh is not helping by walking out because that immediately puts you and him back to square one and unable to move on and make improvements for all the family.
Your ds may not be ready to move out but must learn that for him to learn to live alone means he must take his medication as it is what enables him to be more reasonable with everyone. So as a starting point if he wishes to stay under your roof the first concession is that he takes his medication. His energy needs to be routed towards an activity - not just walking around clicking his fingers. If he must do that then he needs to go elsewhere - the local park or whatever - that will lessen the impact on other family members.
Other pps with experience of ADHD will be able to offer other suggestions but I suspect that seeing your GP for your son to be referred for Psychiatric treatment may be the way forward here initially at least.
Plus your husband needs to calm down and buck up his ideas and start acting like a supportive husband or perhaps he should move out for a bit while you help your ds prepare for life outside the family.