Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

1. Create boundaries and stick to them. It’s no good saying he won’t do this or that, rules help everyone. If he doesn’t follow the rules then there are consequences.
2. Don’t overwhelm him with rules, talk to him, Don’t let him walk away. Let him know that there will be a new rule each week.
3. He takes his medication or doesn’t get to mix/upset the family. 4)Start teaching independence. Cooking, cleaning etc. you may need to demonstrate these skills for a while.

Could he get some counselling? We have a counsellor for our ADHd son to help him transition into high school and beyond. I couldn’t in all good conscience ask a child that is struggling and not ready to move out.

do you have room for a garden room at all. Your son could have a bit of indépendance and his own space

The 'mean' stepdad has done absolutely nothing wrong at all.

Disabilities aren't an excuse for shit behaviour, poor choices and making people's lives a misery.

It doesn't sound like he'd easily be able to live alone. If he won't take his meds etc. and if his health issues means he can be a bit hard to live with them a flat share isn't going to go well.
Could he even afford rent?
I'm inclined to think you need a compromise as your son needs your support and your DH can't just feasibly demand he leaves the house with the issues he's experiencing.

NO one will want to share with someone who paces up and down constantly and makes noise repetitively.

People who do house shares want quiet, unobtrusive housemates.
Even if it's a self contained flat, the sound of pacing will garner complaints from people underneath.

What about independent living places? So there's the support when needed but he's encouraged to be independent?

Doesn't matter how old my kids are, my opinion would never ever change and my DH is on the same page as me. Home is a safe space where my kids will always be welcome. Always.

I'm on your DH side , living with that would drive me nuts and it's not fair on the younger kids . When marrying you had a child and DH probably thought like all kids he'd grow up and leave home , now he shows no sign of leaving your DH is pushing to make it happen .

The annoying behaviour you describe is all related to his disability. Your thread title says a lot about yiur attitude. How can he outstay his welcome in his own home ? Hell would freeze over before a new partner pushed one of my kids out.

Supporting DS and doing the best for him doesn't necessarily mean just letting him do exactly as he pleases.

He is the cause of friction with everyone else in the household, in large part because he refuses to take his medication, that is not acceptable however much mums need to look after their children.

How you get him to take it is another matter completely, but it's not unreasonable to put pressure on him to do so. He needs a dose of reality.

I don’t think it’s outdated but relatively modern. I think traditionally it’s along the lines of God, then your spouse, then your children, then your parents and other family, then other people.

Another thread showing how spectacularly shitty the general attitude towards people with disabilities is on Mumsnet 👏🏻

This is why step families should be given a wide berth. They rarely work.

A really tough situation for everyone OP - it's difficult enough for many 20s to be able to afford to fly the nest, even moreso for a young adult with obvious ADHD and really great that he holds down a job, even though it's NMW.

I can see his point a bit about the medication - Ritalin and it's many guises was unofficially called the 'school drug' - and I can understand why he'd rather not be reliant on it now. Basically the 'meds' prevented a lot of ADHD kids from being excluded.

I actually don't have any advice (my 20s ds is autistic not ADHD) but I need to look into the routes to 'independent living' myself and that would be my only suggestion.

This is such a heartbreaking thread! Your poor son is a vulnerable adult and I think you should think carefully before kicking him out.

What is he actually doing wrong, apart from the pacing and finger clicking which he z by help?

What is he doing to his siblings?

Surely it’s only evenings and weekends he’s at home for.

Could your DH get a hobby on the weekends so he’s in the home less.

I don’t think kicking DS out so he’d have to spend all of his income on rent, is the solution here.

I would encourage DS to get a mortgage but for his benefit.
Perhaps look into first time buyer schemes or encourage him to save for a deposit etc.

It sounds like he needs to take his medication or move out. Or both!

FFS.

He sounds like he is at the of his tether.

If this is going on for years (as the OP said) and there is no end in sight can we blame him?

In fact, he sounds like a decent man.

Moving out to shared accumulation is a no go - if he’s annoying to the people who love him, why does anyone think strangers will tolerate this?

OP he’s 25. Through his life, have you perused him for the fact that things cannot stay the same forever, that life changes. if you haven’t, then you need to go carefully, but assertively.

what about getting a neutral 3rd party involved? A family therapist specialising in families with ND members? Someone to talk to you each individually, then together, to try and find a way forward.

Are you involved in any associations / groups for parents with ND children? You won’t be the first family to face this: there will be people out there with informed suggestions and advice.

Finally, what do you envisage for his future? do you expect him to stay at home forever? You are one of the key players here but you sound very passive. You’ve told us what everyone else wants to see happen. What about you? What’s you want to happen - for your son and for the rest of the family?

No, of course it isn't reasonable if your partner to want to get rid of your child because his presence is inconvenient!

You speak about him hanging around the house as if he's an uninvited guest, he lives there!

I feel really sad for your ds.

In your situation I'd expect the more mature person without the neurodisibility to make a greater effort.

A lot of the things your DH finds annoying could be directly linked to your son's ADHD. Are you happy kicking your son out because his disability is annoying to your partner?

Hell would freeze over before a new partner pushed one of my kids out.

It isn't a new partner it's someone who has been in the DC life since he was very young.

This is not good for your kids though.

As parents have a responsibility to get our children ready to live and function in the world independently, as adults.

Part of that is making them stand on their own two feet, move out, fail, discover that they can get back up again and carry on.

Not expecting that is fostering dependance. It lets they kids down actually.

I’ll hazard a guess that you have small kids where time outs and promises of treats still work 😉

Come back to me when you have a hulking 6 footer with questionable food hygiene habits and an attitude problem 😆

It’s become pretty common for adult children to live with their parents because housing is so expensive now.