Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

You don't have to throw your DS out because he's irritating your DH, but you could all support him to live independently. It would probably be cheaper to sub his rent in a shared house and pay for him to have a hobby to use up some energy than get divorced.

Totally agree with this. I really feel for you OP, constantly on tenderhooks and emotionally exhausted.
As your husband has been in your son's life for several years, I think it is unreasonable for your husband to want him to move out.
Are you able to have a frank discussion with your husband?

He’s winding up his siblings too. Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.

That doesn’t sound like it’s a DH problem. It sounds like a problem for everyone who has to live with your DS.

So easy with the "kids come first" comments. Her DH is not a horrible person, he just wants to live in peace and not constantly stressed out by the adult son's behavior. Not asking for much, is he?
Adult son needs to understand how he is affecting everyone else and start taking some responsibility. He may have ASD but it's a choice not to take the meds.

Absolutely. It's not so bad while the the younger 2 are still quite small, but our neighbours growing up had a similar situation and the younger sibling moved out with a very unsuitable boyfriend at 18 as a reaction!

There's not one situation that would make me ask my child to leave the family home, I don't care how old they were. Kids come first.

Your DH is not the problem.

But your son’s behaviour is.

Would family mediation be an option if he refuses to engage with you at the minute?

I have an NT adult child at home presently and I totally get the difficulties. DC is an absolute force of nature and is oblivious to the impact they have. We have lots of great/good lovely days though so it’s easier to manage the tough ones but I know we need to start thinking about a plan for them moving out.

If the OP was the stepmum then everyone would be telling her to put her own children first either the adult stepson behaves in a manner compatible to family life or he moves out.

Why is it different for the DH?

Love this.

Strong, fair, to the point.

That would drive many people mad, the sight and sound of someone constantly pacing back and forth and clicking fingers- it's movement to no purpose, like when a bored dog paces.

It sounds exhausting to live with- he should take his meds, as it's not fair on the younger children.

Regarding moving out, Not many house shares would put up with relentless pacing, nor would people in a flat.. it's a sound that is going to grate on many people's nerves.

I should think it would be quite difficult for him to find a room in a shared house with those habits.
A difficult situation all around.

I'm sorry OP, but what you're describing is your sons disability is a problem for his step father, and that's affecting your marriage.

I wouldn't be considering putting my son out, who seems to be quite vulnerable for any man. I'm sorry but I think your considerations need to be with him, not your husband.

This isn't putting the kids first though. It's putting one ADULT 'kid' first above other siblings and a marriage.

He needs to move out OP, for everyone's benefit.

How old are your kids now?

Not all the kids it seems, the ops other kids are not being treated well by the 20 yr old and will also being affected by his behaviour, why are they being discounted so much?

Irrelevant, as she's not a single mother.

(Also stop putting all the fucking blame on the mum, as usual on MN)

I agree that kids come first but sometimes we have to force the issue of independence.

I appreciate that he has difficulties but it does not help, in the long run, to facilliate him too much. It turns from being supportive to fostering dependence

This chap is in his 20s. If he is to have a shot he needs to jump and soon.

Also, I think you should get to the bottom of why your DS doesn't want to take his medication. Does it have side effects he doesn't like? Is his behaviour easier to live with if he's medicated? If so you need to clearly explain that to him.

Your son has a disability and needs support not kicking out because his mean stepdad doesn’t like it .

I can see his pacing and making whatever noise is very unreasonable, would drive me mad too! Personally you need to see it’s unreasonable, meds may help.
Need peace and rest with mid stage Parkinson’s, often need time with just myself and cat, why can your son, not go for real walks?

Sounds like your son could use some better coping mechanisms. Exercise can be key with ADHD, even if just going for a run. Is his behavior better on meds? Your husband sounds a bit unreasonable if he wants him out but not to help him get resettled. People with ADHD can sometimes be sensitive to rejection or criticism.

Could he join a support group, or give him some times to be out of the house?

The DS is not 20. He is in his mid twenties. At the v least I would insist he takes his meds.

Mid 20s and at home with no plans? He needs a kick up the bum

I think he sees lack of respect, he has tried and tried with him but he sees him as defiant but I think he just doesn't listen or take in any discussion about his behaviour and looks at me to 'make' him but I don't have the power to change his behaviour only to talk to him about it which makes no difference.
He's had enough telling him the same things over and over to be ignored and I don't think he ever sees him moving out and just can't live like this forever, he didn't feel this way when he was growing up and has done so much for him over the years it just seems to have all got too much.

Not all of us live in London, not all of us live in areas affected by London. It's perfectly reasonable to expect a mid-20s year old to at least have a plan for independence.