Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

I entirely agree. It seems that OP’s DS has special needs and so it is unlikely he would cope with, or afford independent living. Does he contribute to household bills?
etc. Presumably DH knew DS had SEND when he moved in with OP and it’s unreasonable for him to suddenly decide he wants DS to leave the family home.

Since it seems that it is the DH who has created this split in the family he either puts up or leaves. He would be obliged to pay maintenance for his children with OP so she will not be left completely high and dry and based on DS’s needs, it may be possible for him to apply for PIP which would also help OP to meet expenses.

Or he could keep his children so they don't have to constantly put up with their brother's behaviour towards them.

Then it would be the OP paying the maintenance and putting up with eldest DSs habits

And what expenses? The 25 year old MAN has a full time job and runs his own car

My son is high functioning, life is difficult but I need to change to accommodate his needs, even when I do not agree.

Your son doesn’t want to leave home as he is probably aware that no one on the outside world will put up with his behaviour. You and the rest of the family have the right to a happy home. Your son also needs to take responsibility for his medical condition and take his medication or make appointment with specialist. You and your family need to make a list of expectations of behaviour that your son must adhere to and if he doesn’t he needs to make alternative living plans. Good luck

Is ADHD so debilitating?
I've known a number of people with it, some are married, some have children, some have very good careers.
But none live at their parents house driving them batty and pushing their parents marriage to breaking point without a single care in the world, mainly because they all know that's not acceptable.

Why are we infantilizing people with ADHD?

He's 25. He is not disabled. He has ADHD. He works. He drives.

This feels like an example of the soft bigotry of low expectations.

As a person with ADHD this whole thread is disappointing.

OP says he has a p/t job

Like where? I've just been through the OPs posts and can't see it. However I did see she posted the following

" He already does his own washing and cooks for himself when he wants to, he is capable of looking after himself in that respect and he drives, chose a car on his own, pays car insurance, tax and phone bills and gym membership okay, and works f/t so he's not incapable.
I don't imagine his life would be much different if he had a bed sit but of course he would prefer to live with his family."

So if you can tell me where he works p/t feel free to correct me

This. It's depressing to read. People have such low expectations of us. It's paternalistic and absolutely ableist. If the behaviour of a grown adult is making others, including other children, in the family uncomfortable and stressed, that needs addressing. What should OP do - let her son go through life in blissful ignorance of any negative impact of his behaviour on others because he has ADHD and therefore can't possibly cope with that, take any responsibility, make any changes? Keep him living at home for as long as he wants no matter what the impact on her life, her other children's lives? He gets to run her life because he has ADHD?

Ridiculous.

He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house

OP’s first post

This thread is truely shocking in terms of how disabling and disempowering people are being about ADHD.

Anyone would think the man is bedbound the way people are carrying on

I think that there are too many expectations in this situation.
Your child is a vulnerable young man with a serious health issue, reason why he's not planning for his future. He's simply not able to..I'm afraid this won't be easily solved and you might end up with an adult son for many years ahead still. I don't think the solution is throwing him out because he's not a lazy selfish guy, he's a troubled young man for which life is very challenging .
Your husband is also a bit intolerant, if he chose you he should accept that the whole package comes with that child . If your marriage is at risk because of your son, then there is something missing I'm afraid. Why don't you plan together, husby is putting too much responsibility on you , he should make his part, again too many expectations.
I still believe in good and bad fate together, no matter what. Patience is the key united with deep compassion for each other.
What if your son was disabled? Would you think he is an annoyance?
I think you might need professional help in order to make the right decision, because your son is not lazy or a drug addicted, he has a serious issue taking a place in society.
Also,as other have said, yiu can't make a living on minimum wage and that's why many children stay at home.times have changed.

This.

You can almost sense the patronising head tilt…..

"Your child is a vulnerable young man with a serious health issue, reason why he's not planning for his future. He's simply not able to..I" can you explain why a grown man who has the mental capacity to drive a car, wake up every morning, get dressed, work a full time job, do his own washing, cook his own food, go to the gym cannot plan for his own future?

I’m not sure the ‘evil step parent’ rhetoric is relevant here. Even if his step father were his biological father, he could still find the living conditions intolerable and believe the son is capable of more independence and want him to utilise that for better family dynamics. He has, after all, been his carer and father figure since he was young.

But it’s MN, so the man is the villain in this story, along with infantilising an adult with ADHD.

My sister’s partner has ADHD, he’s 40 and still lives with his parents. His dad is absolutely sick of his behaviour, and yes it’s wrecked their marriage. He absolutely can control and modify his behaviour when he’s required to – at work, in certain social situations etc. He is infantilised and enabled a lot by his mother.

Could you find something like this locally op? www.irwellvalley.co.uk/find-a-home/supported-housing/our-homes/moup/#:~:text=The Moving On Up (MOUP,hand 24 hours a day.

Of course he'll stay at home all the time he's allowed to, it's the easiest option.
I'd still live at home and freeload if someone would let me.

Would your DH be happy with your DS staying at home if he wasn’t so annoying?
As many people have said don’t ask him to take his meds tell him. Make it a condition of him staying in the parental home.
He seems to be under the impression that he has the right to do just as he pleases. DS doesn’t seem to acknowledge that past 18 years of age parents are not responsible for their offspring .
Adult children can live happily with their parents as long as they realise it is a privilege not a right …
Take the situation in hand as a couple . Set rules and boundaries and have DS read, understand and sign the rules of the house that he must adhere to if he wishes to stay. Tell him if he wants to be treated as an adult he must start behaving like one . If he still gets the strops then he is choosing to be told to find his own accommodation, give him a date ( reasonable) then ask him to leave . You will be enabling his behaviour if you do not.

Why doesn't dh use earplugs if that irritates him. It's not like ds can do something about it.

@PvH He could do it somewhere other than the hall though given that the downstairs is open plan. He must realize that everyone can hear him Why not his room with the door closed?

Your marriage should come first. Your husband has been a good dad and done his part. You are taking your husband for granted by expecting him to continue to put up with this selfish son. It is not fair that you are allowing your adult son to take all that your husband has done for all of you for granted and disrupt the family. Your son will never be ready unless you help make him ready. You are not doing him or anyone any favors by letting him stay. He won't ever mature if you keep babying him too much. Help pay for your son's first month in his own place. But also help him plan his finances to continue paying on his own.

OP, do NOT encourage your son to start a dog walking business.

If he won’t take responsibility for his own life, he should not be responsible for other people’s dogs - especially as he taunts and misbehaves with the family dog.

Yes, as a neurodivergent adult, you can do something about stims that bother others. Children of course are different, but we are talking here about a grown adult.

If you need to pace and click and get rid of excess energy you can pace in the garden, or go for a walk. There are quieter fidgets you can use. You can stim in your own room.

I'm AuDHD, by the way, and I do not expect others to put up with any of my stims that they find intrusive. If I can't sit still to watch a film, for example, when others are trying to concentrate, I go to my own space or go out, rather than disturbing the rest of the family.

Hi OP, are things any better?

I know I'm late but if its a very touching post...You've obviously not been around people children with needs it's not something you just kick out the house so you don't have to deal with them.. His siblings have grown up knowing he has needs and should not be taking it to heart that know it's not intentional and out of his hands.. I must admit I'm angry that OP is suggesting in disowning her son got his so called step'father' have a heart. Just shows deep down that's not his son. I'm also confused too as how he's holding down a job if he paces up n down and annoys his siblings doesn't make sense!!?? He needs to fly the nest not be kicked out.... I think you need to all communicate with each other I wonder how old are his siblings cz by the sounds of it there too young to understand? I don't know but I feel like you know deep down he's your son he needs you it is a hard life but it's our responsibility to take care of them no matter how old especially if they need us! Goodluckkkk don't mean to disheartened you in any way hope your family grow stronger together, prayers are with you!