Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

I recommend re-reading Hansel and Gretel by the brothers Grimm.

I've read most of the posts. Your son is mid 20s ie not 20 as a pp stated. Others have said "kids come first". I agree, but perhaps not in the way they meant. My kid can be very annoying at times; younger than yours, but still has traits of personality & disability that particularly affect his friendships. So we, he and I, spend a lot of time discussing friendships and how they can be improved. I've explained to my much loved child that if he annoys me doing something, the chances are fairly good that he is also annoying others, and that is why those friendship relationships are suffering.

So yes, kids come first, and you help your child by making sure they understand their interactions with others have consequences. And if those consequences aren't good, then they need to moderate their behaviour no matter what disability they have. This is a family where 3 out of 5 members are no longer able to cope with your son's behaviour. He is being totally selfish by not taking the medication. I did read a pp that said the medication can affect in other ways. Fair enough, but your son has to help himself. So yes, kids come first, but you are not helping him right now. I think your husband is being brave to raise it. He has probably put up with more than most of us would.

If he stays then rules need to be in place - take medication, be out of the house (volunteering or bar work, whatever) or he’s out, and give a date. He’s an adult, and yes may need some support but he won’t be growing and learning adulting skills at home.

Your DHs getting slated here, but just because he could cope with your sons ND for years doesn't mean he expected your DS to be at home forever. All the posters saying they'd never ask their DC to leave are ignoring how very difficult your life would be if your DH left, your younger DC would lose their home,see their DF less and have a poorer quality of life because their older DB won't make any changes. I know having ND makes life more difficult for your son but it doesn't relieve him of all responsibility for his behaviour

Maybe I have an outdated view but adults should not mooch of their parents forever just for an easy ride.

You are not owed everything on a platter FOREVER just for being born. Parents give up so much to their children but deserve respect, space, their own relationships and a life back too once you reach adulthood.

Its frankly bizarre so many have so little respect for their parents and themselves that they think living with parents well into your 30s is just normal and acceptable.

Lets be honest if a woman came on here describing her mid 20s boyfriend as living with his parents and young siblings like this people would be saying hes waving a red flag and watch out for the future cock lodger.

Mid 20s is long past the time to fly the nest and start your own life.

This tells us much more about the big picture. The part about DS not showing respect.

DS is choosing not to medicate, ignoring requests to stop harassing younger siblings and refusing to discuss any of his behaviour.

But everyone has to play a part when living with others. We compromise and adapt. If we’re not paying the bills then we should also expect some rules and boundaries around behaviours. It doesn’t sound like your son is willing to do anything differently. Or even accept he needs to compromise. And there are no consequences for making the whole house unhappy. So nothing will change.

This, combined with the idea that he may never move out, and the lack of respect he shows to everyone else, is what’s depressing your DH. I feel sorry for your DH as he’s probably trying really hard to bite his tongue, keep a lid on his frustration and try to be empathetic. But it must feel like Groundhog Day for him.

Is there another family member DS might listen to? A support group or counsellor?

I’d be interested to know what your DH would do differently if he was your son’s biological dad. And also to know exactly what DH wants you to do. Do you know?

And yet your DS is choosing not to take medication that would help? It’s that that’s the annoying thing. Maybe with your son taking his meds, your DH and your other children wouldn’t be struggling so much?

Are you sure him saying he’s ‘not ready’ to move out isn’t just him choosing the easy option? He’s working so he should be looking to move out. At a minimum, I’d tell him he needs to take his meds if he stays in the family home any longer. He sounds very selfish. ADHD isn’t an excuse to do what you want and ignore other people’s needs.

If he won’t take his meds, I’d ask him to leave because it sounds like he’s making zero effort to be part of the family.

He has ADHD, as a result he’s not very mature and he’s a home bird, he likes to be with his family. My son who is admittedly only a young teenager has ADHD (and other issues) and is the same. No way could I ever kick him out for simply being annoying. Which seems to be your son’s biggest crime here.

I think there has to be some compromise from everyone here. Your son can not help the stimming, your husband must realise that.
Would your son agree to see his doctor and discuss medication with them and trial it for say 3 months and see if it helps him? Frame it as it’s for his own benefit. Frankly, that’s what the meds should be used for. Might help with the stimming, might help him focus his mind into finding new things that interest him outside the home so he can meet new people. You say he’s high energy, does he have a bike, go to the gym? Might help him burn it off, improve his mental health etc.

I honestly think your husband is being harsh. I don’t know how long you’ve been together but I know if my husband (stepdad to my teenage children) behaved this way towards them I’d be very disappointed in him and feel like he’d moved the goal posts. He presumably realised your son had difficulties many years ago and chose to accept those then.

You're being unreasonable. You can't function without support and you expect your son who is barely out of his teens to move out because your DH has decided he can't live with him?

I'm autistic with autistic /ADHD children and I expect them to live with us well into their 20s. My DD also paces, and my son has a lot of physical and verbal stims.

I think your DH is being out of order and you need to support your son more, help him learn the life skills he will need to live independently or look into supported living for him. But don't throw him out!

So many replies on here are ignorant of neurodivergence and are really harsh.

Certainly isn't the norm that most twenty somethings have their own housing. I know many 20/40 plus still at home. All single.
Times are much more different now.

OP the truth is there is no easy solution here as you know yourself. You either continue to let DS live with you and there is a good chance your marriage will break down. Or you tell DH he has to rent a room elsewhere, and deal with the fall out from DS including him potentially not coping well.

If I was you I think I would start by being honest with myself. Do you think DH will ever live independently? I do not mean will he want to, but will he be capable of it. Because if the answer is yes, I would try working with him to develop those skills he will need to live independently. If the answer is no, then it may be sadly your marriage is over.

Do those who are suggesting the OPs son could be all but cured if he would just take his meds realise that ADHD medication is only 'active' for a period of time each day? If the DS did decide - as an adult with autonomy - that medication was a good option for him, chances are he would take it so it was active during his working hours.

So what then?

As a parent of two ND children, I couldn't be with someone that had an issue with my child stimming.

All of this is why I'd strongly recommend some kind of supported housing - not just for yours and DH's sake but for DS too

As others have said, at some point you won't be able to house him whether you want to or not, and isn't it better to foster as much independence as DS can manage while you're still in a position to influence things?

Doubtless DS would argue or "storm off", but he isn't the only one with needs to be considered and it hardly helps anyone for the whole family to be torn apart

Both ds and I have ADHD and we both take our medication for it.

Her ds takes no responsibility for his behavior and refuses to medicate.

Why the hell should the rest of the family put up with someone who won't put in any effort?

Coddling him isn't helping.

My grandson with AdHD and ASD is impossible to live with without medication.Does he claim Pip and see a doctor in the mental health team.If not this is the way I would go down.He needs help to manage his disabilities as a house share will not work as he is.Can you pay privately ? Who prescribed the medication get in touch with whoever that is.You need to treat him as a much younger adult he is vulnerable and wouldn’t cope alone.Good luck.

@Puzzledandpissedoff is there family supported housing for people with ADHD? I ask because I have never heard of this.

I'd guess with ds your running slap bang into rejection sensitivity dysphoria when you try to have a conversation with him. Perhaps have a family meeting with house rules, then afterwards I'd try with dc that he takes his meds or you will help him find somewhere else to live. I ha e 3 adders who are incredibly hard to handle without meds. If he doesn't like stimulant medication get him to discuss with Dr about none stimulant regime

www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/amp/

Contact the housing authority and tell them you DS is vulnerable and you will be making him homeless as DH can't manage his needs. They have a duty to assist him and may look at a supported tenancy for him which wouldn't be such a huge jump to independance for him. He will have to accept whatever they offer though, which could include a bedsit in a very rough area.

@Meadowwild nailed it I think. There have to be some rules

This is great. And the first rule is the most important.

Your ds is living under your roof and whilst he is, you have a say on his behaviour, which in this case involves managing symptoms by taking his meds.

Adult or not, his age is totally irrelevant and your ds can’t have it both ways. Either he’s an independent adult, old enough to stand on his own two feet or he needs to be kept in the family fold for the time being.

I would further add that you not insisting that he takes responsibility for his behaviour is impinging him from reaching his potential by allowing him to live a quasi childlike existence.

I think supported housing is the best way forward. He needs to leave and find some independence now. It is selfish of him not to discuss medication and other issues with you like an adult.

If he doesn’t move out (and from what you have said here) ultimately it will cost you your marriage and affect your other dc.

He seems to be holding down a job ok without meds so perhaps the structure of work helps and he can take the meds half way through the day or whenever is most beneficial. It depends on what he takes to how long they last.

It feels like him living at home, on a minimum wage job to jumping to moving out and living entirely independently is too big of a leap. It isn't achievable.

There's no way a young adult with ADHD can make that leap without support.

Wouldn't it be easier to break it down into smaller, achievable goals?

E.G (and I write this because I don't know your situation) DS cooks and cleans up dinner for the family once a week, DS does his own washing, DS does something kind with his siblings once a week etc. Then build it up to make him more independent.

What's been your plan as he was growing up to get him ready for leaving home? Could you revisit that and put other things into place?

E.G sit down with him and actively teach him what things he has to do as an adult to live independently...how to pay rent, council tax, take the bins out. Break it all down into small, manageable chunks.

It sounds like your husband wants you to wave a magic wand, and make everything better in one swoop...but that reality is that this isn't going to happen if your son has ADHD. Your husband needs to get out of this negative spiral, and accept that he lives with someone who is ND.

I have a 28 year old with ASD and ADHD. He really functions at a much lower level, probably about 15/16. He's actually quite clever intellectually but emotionally, no he's much younger.
Can you get his meds reviewed? It might be that he would get on better with another type of medication. And does he have any therapy? I would suggest trying those 2 actions and see if it makes any difference.
I don't know where you live but some local authorities can help access accommodation specifically for people with high functioning learning disabilities. I realize that there aren't many but if possible to access, they do help prepare the person for more independent living. Sadly they are few and far between.