Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

But the things that are annoying the entire family may be reduced if he were willing to take medication! The mid twenties son has a responsibility to manage his disability.

Your not doing you DC any favours in preparing him to be a responsible adult. You need to make a plan with him, go through finances, help him budget, help him with basic life skills and get him sorted in his own place. Why would he move out when he has his mum looking after him. Mid twenties, they either need to be saving for a deposit while living at home and being responsible for themselves or have left.

And the subject of children living at home in their 20s is often palatable once you know your child actually has a long term plan to get their own place in the future!

Which is how you end up with adults relying on their parents for everything and unable to cope in the real world

I don't think it is easy for any of us to live alone in the beginning.

It takes a while to find the people you get on with, a while to understand the financial juggle, a while to understand the compromises required when living with others, a while to get to grips with food supply, clean clothes etc.

Very few hit the ground running surely?

He needs to do it - not for the op or the step dad. But for himself.

It builds self esteem, character, and ability to function in the world without dependence on parents. I would suggest it is even more important for someone with disability like his.

She said: 'since he was very young'...

So 20 years probably

Mine will always be welcome at home too.

But I would view it as a personal failure if they did not move out at some point and live independently.

I think he sees lack of respect, he has tried and tried with him but he sees him as defiant but I think he just doesn't listen or take in any discussion about his behaviour and looks at me to 'make' him but I don't have the power to change his behaviour only to talk to him about it which makes no difference.

To be fair when a woman posts about an adult step child who is making life hell she is usually told that she has a DH problem. Your DH is not his father so is going to feel restricted in what he can do, however long he's been in your son's life.

Personally I hope the fact that DH is reaching the end of his rope leads to some changes. The pacing and stimming will be annoying but there's likely to be much more behind that - your DH sees that it's not just about him, but DS does exactly as he wants without any consideration for ANY of the family, including the other children.

Saying that the children come first sounds noble in theory. But in this case - which children? It sounds like his behaviour is makng life in the house difficult for everyone. I'm sorry OP but I think you have some hard choices to make.

Not one person has suggested kicking him out.

A sizable majority have suggested getting him to live independently.

For his own benefit.

@Starlingexpress I was ging to suggest family mediation too, it might be easier for your son to hear how his behaviour is affecting the household from someone "in authority" so to speak, maybe the'd have suggestions on assisted/supported living even if it was part time (if that even exisits?)

I'm so sorry you're stuck right in the middle of it all & that you're facing something as drastic as breaking up your family 💐

She's got other kids , he's an adult.

I was being sarcastic but thanks for the heads up

How about the OP's younger ones?

@username1993 is his father in the picture ? Could you get him houses by the council on medical grounds?

There are things that can work alongside/instead of medication like exercise (especially aerobic exercise like running), counselling, self help strategies, fidget toys etc.

Dh has been my rock though with ds, I also have ADHD and found him very hard work on my own, when I met dh I was burnt out, overstimulated and dh supported me emotionally and helped me bring ds up, he was a lifesaver and gave me so much strength and support.
Ds is hard work and I am exhausted too but dh is at breaking point and it is coming between us now.
It's not that I want to kick Ds out, it's about salvaging our marriage for the sake of our family.
I wish there was an easy way where we can all be happy but it's crumbling and I don't know how to make things work.
Dh is so stressed and unhappy which is making me unhappy because I don't want my family to fall apart.

I would take the view that he is a vulnerable adult with ADHD and potentially, by what you have said, wider executive functioning and social communication difficulties. If your DH's vantage point is that DS is not listening and therefore defiant, I think this is very very problematic notwithstanding the reasonableness of him wanting more space. We don't always get what we want though.

There comes a time when older children should really fly the nest. This doesn't just apply to step children. Sounds like the time has come in your family. It just isn't working.

This. It's not DSs presence that's the issue. It's DSs behaviour. If he wants to be an adult that lives with his parents then he needs to act like an adult.

Its all well and good saying kids come first.

But have these posters actually read what the op is writing

Her ds is an Adult.

She has said she will have to leave the family home if DH splits up.

Also she has two other dc that are getting affected by this situation.

I don't get this he is not ready, what so he can stall until he is 40+

A lot of that is choice based because we have created a culture whereby its not seen as possible for young adults to be independent, or not required or not desirable. We have infantilised an entire generation, this bodes really badly for the future. Theres a view that a young adult cant possibly move into something as low brow as a studio flat or rent a room with someone.

In this case, the son has made a choice, people making appropriate suggestions of mum contacting health workers are missing the point, he is an adult, they wont talk to her due to confidentiality, if he doesnt (as many people with conditions do) see the point of his meds he wont take them. Ideas about sending him off with the husband to resolve it are also nonsense the son sounds like he wont engage with such an idea.

Its time for him to move out, he will likely be like this in a few years in any case so he has to learn how to manage in independent adult life.

He can find something affordable on spareroom.com

would family mediation or counselling be an option? It sounds like you all need help communicating and coming up with solutions.

Your ds needs some help understanding and accepting what the issues are. Perhaps your DH needs help being more understanding and accepting of your ds. Working together to find solutions as a family would be helpful. maybe your ds could be persuaded to take his medication. Maybe your DH could learn some techniques to deal with the noise stress. Or has he considered using loop ear plugs?

Could be eligible for supported housing schemes? Would he engage with that process?

Anyway your son can have a bigger space within your home? Converted garage or one of those annexes in the garden?

Does he have a job, get PIP or UC? If yes, can you apply to the council to have him put on a list for social housing? I think if you were to speak to Social Services and explain that he is an adult and that he needs independent accommodation because his presence is causing the breakdown of your family, putting DH’s Mh at risk, they may be able to help?