Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

I would kick ‘D’H out. He sounds very immature.

He paces up and down the hall most of the evening but as it's an open plan downstairs there's the constant sound of pacing, finger clicking.
I don't think he's scared of living on his own as much as happy living with family at the moment.

Leaving DH aside, there are plenty of single parents on here who have posted about difficult older kids in their 20s and been told they should leave if it affects the other children. I'd say not taking medication, ignoring anything you ask them to do/not do, and winding up their siblings counts.

So gave you sat down and agreed that each of you get to speak? Your DP says what they are struggling with and you give your input. The winding up of siblings has to stop, it's a thin line between winding up and bullying. Can your DS start a gym, cycling etc? My DD found trampolining useful. You need space from each other and you need to come up with ways to get it. It isn't popular on here but I think that it is ok to ask an adult child to spend an evening in their bedroom. Has he always stimmed to the level he is now? Is so, it's unreasonable that your DP suddenly can't cope.

I didn't so much mean what his plans were - I meant in your opinion, do you think he could be coached/supported into living independently? Or do you think realistically he'll need to live with you/supported for life?

Because without knowing what is within his capabilities its hard to know what is appropriate. If you don't think he'll ever actually be capable of living alone that's totally different in terms of your DH than the case if he is (with some support or whatever).

He can hold down a job. He's not incapable of living on his own.

Financially a minimum wage job restricts his options but why can't he look for a room in a shared house?

His behaviour at home shows he is not fine without his medication. You need to be firm with boundaries. You have two other children who deserve to be happy in their home too.

Everyone saying DH is the problem, why doesn't DH get to put his children first? Why is it only the adult son, who refuses to take medication for ADHD, the one that comes first when the actual children children don't?

Understandably a difficult situation for you @username1993 but ADHD is not an excuse for disrupting an entire household.

Who’s “she” ….are you the fed up DH ?
Auto correct error I typed dh

As a parent of ND children, I’ve long accepted that at least one if not all will be home until my last day on this earth. But I’m single (and probably forever so due to this) so the impact on a relationship isn’t factored in. It is hard, and whilst I absolutely believe in being there for the children you brought into the world no matter what, it is ‘unnatural’ (for the lack of better words) for grown children to be at home. We raise them with the expectation that they will move out, it’s really primal and can be unhealthy for both parent and adult child to still be living in a familial environment well beyond their maturing years.

Id give him a deadline, say that he may not feel he needs his medication but evidently he’s not seeing it from everyone else’s perspective. He has to decide if refusing his medication or looking into moving out is worth the resentment it’s causing to everyone else in the household. But also tread carefully, the world is a much harder place for ND people to navigate without understanding or support and he may end up in trouble (financial or otherwise). There has to be a balance between having a life for yourself and understanding that your son will always need a greater level of input/support than another adult of his age.

ok, there need to be some boundaries. He needs to take his medication - that becomes part of him staying. Tediously, that will mean you giving it to him and watching him take it. THen once a bit more stable, more serious discussions can be had. Do you have room for a garden officey thing? However your DH knows you came with your son.

I have a special needs adult son in his mid 20s - he still lives with me and probably will for some time.

I'm afraid if dp didn't like it, I would be showing him the door. Your dh has obviously known ds for a while so surely he has some level of understanding? It sounds like the only way he could move out (ds) is with your support (ie you finding him a house share etc).

Financially a minimum wage job restricts his options but why can't he look for a room in a shared house?

If his own family have difficulty living with him, with respect do you/the op believe shared accommodation will go well? Because if it doesn’t and his flatmates kick him out, he’ll have very little options and everyone will end up in a worse position. He needs to recognise he needs to help himself first before putting himself in a situation that may be a setup for failure. I think he needs to talk to a professional first, get to the bottom of why he doesn’t want the medication, what options are available and what can be done to motivate him so he has the best chance at leading an independent life.

If he is neurodiverse to the extent that he wanders around stimming and pacing and making noises, then is he likely to just be able to move out and handle a private tenancy, or should you maybe look at whether he can access supported accommodation and support him with that?

We have sat down and had many conversations but ds will deny he has done anything wrong and feels attacked and gets defensive which usually results in him storming off.
Then nothing changes and he carries on as he was but then with an atmosphere for a while.

@User623 Mid 20 year olds are usually either at university, in a house share or in their own space entirely.

Many university students live at home.

Many people prefer to live at home rather than in a house share, because living at home means your rent is paid to your own family rather than a criminal landlord.

The overwhelming majority of 20 year olds don't live in their own space entirely because very few people earn mumsnet salaries.

He's still your child too and I think you're wrong if you force him to move out for your DH. If he is ND too then this makes things even harder for him. Perhaps you could speak to him about the effect of not taking his medication down to the need to strum and that it is frustrating for others and tell him you are thinking this can't carry on as it is. I personally think it is a stepparent / stepchild issue. 20 isn't that old to live at home. I wouldn't throw my young adult child out just because my partner found him annoying.

Your son is comfortable where he is, he is never going to be "ready" to move out. You really are going to have to give him details of lodging and a deadline for moving out, and tell him the only alternative will be to apply to the council for housing.

Is adult social services involved? If not, they should be, and may be able to help.

Sounds as though it will be very hard for him to move out and he'd find it hard to cope. Usually I'd think a child should be wanting to move out by mid twenties, but this situation sounds more complex. I think I'd have a serious chat and say that if he wants to stay then certain things need working out.

I'm not sure that your son is doing anything wrong here?

He needs an intervention.

he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He only won't take his medication because he doesn't believe there's any need to, he believes he is fine without them.

Everyone in the house needs to sit down with him and calmly tell him how his behaviour makes them feel. He needs to agree to take his medication and stick to some basic house rules or he needs to move out.

Is it possible that the problem isn’t so much that he is living at home today, but that there is no realistic plan for him to move out in the future?

if he is in his mid-20’s, living at home should be a stepping stone to independence. There are obvious exceptions for people whose needs are so profound they will never live independently, but you don’t mention anything like that.

Being ND is not an excuse for not making a life plan. I have ASD. So does my teenager. She is only 15 and we are already working on expectations with her. She knows she has to take her education seriously, find a career, and become financially independent. we will give her all the support possible, but she has to make the effort.

how much has your son saved? Even on minimum wage, he should be able to save since he is living at home? What is his plan to earn more in the future? If he doesn’t have a plan, as a parent who is still housing him, you need to sit down and make one with him. He may be an adult, but he hasn’t launched like an adult. He needs active parenting from you.

your husband will probably relax if he knows that something is being done instead of just letting this young man languish. Sometime soon you should even be able to establish a timetable for him to move out. That may be defined in years, but there should be a schedule. Use his planned savings and any education courses he decides to take to help create the timetable.

Could you put a stud wall in so that the hall becomes a separate area and the pacing etc is much quieter in the living area?

Significant info! Thank you

Mumsnetters claim they struggle to make ends meet on whopping salaries in excess of £100,000, but somehow expect 20-30 year olds to move out on a quarter of that.

Sounds tough and neurodiversity makes things hard for everyone, but I would just point out to everyone that the medication isn't like your usual take this and it fixes things, ADHD medication isn't effective for everyone and can cause a lot of other problems. It's a personal thing whether to take them and in what quantity, and a lot of people with ADHD would not want to take them at all due to other effects on their life and motivation etc.

I feel really sorry for DS.
has something happened for your DH that has made him less tolerant? Stress at work or not sleeping?
sounds like they both need to make compromises here.