To think you should compliment someone’s home?

[freeabdhappy]

If they are your friend and it’s their first time visiting?

I always tell my friends how nice I think their homes are when I visit - even if it’s not to my taste in the slightest.

Yes, or ‘I love what you’ve done with the cupboard under the stairs!’

Is the house tour partly a UK cultural thing? I’ve lived in several other countries and it didn’t seem to be de rigeur in the same way. At least people didn’t offer with an air of doing something expected. (Nor in London, come to think of it, but ‘Here is my tiny 1-bed. You can see pretty much all of it from where you’re standing’ is probably not that exciting.)

We’re midway through a lengthy renovation of a Victorian wreck, but it wouldn’t occur to me to offer a ‘tour’. It’s a pretty standard house, and the only thing to say would be ‘Here’s the bit that’s not still a building site’. My actual friends would probably say ‘Shut up, we’ve already heard too much about the mysterious leak/rodent infestation.’

I don’t think it’s middle class thing at all. If anything I think popping round for a cuppa and seeing a friend’s house is quite a working class thing to do. It’s good old fashioned manners. It’s being nice. It’s not lying is it? Whether you’re working class or aristocratic it’s the done thing to walk in someone’s house and say ‘Jane, good to see you, ohh new sofa? That’s lovely’ or ‘this house gets such a lot of light this time of day’

No one is talking about waltzing in to a rancid squat all Hyacynth Bucket and saying ‘Good grief this architecture is exquisite darling. Have you thought about contacting Country Living and asking them to run a feature?’

It’s just being nice and finding something to compliment them on.

I wouldn't expect anyone to say anything nice or nasty about my house. If they don't say anything why should I care? As long as I like it, not too worried about what other people think.

We started renovations on this house in mid-2021 and it’s nowhere near finished, we’ve just taken a pause to scrape money together for the kitchen part, as we’ve gone over-budget, and I’ve had to take on extra work. We’ve had court proceedings with our first builder, endless stress with two demanding FT jobs and a primary school-aged child, have had two gas rings and a microwave to cook on, and a fridge-freezer that lives in the living room (along with the dining table), and spent a full winter wearing coats indoors because of knocking down the back of the house, meaning two formerly internal doors were now external.

We still have people round, though mostly in summer so we can eat in the garden, but none of this means I expect house-related compliments from visitors, sincere or otherwise. The most you could honestly say is ‘I’m sure it’ll be worth it when it’s done!’

I can generally always think of something nice to say about a house. It doesn't have to be to my personal taste for me to compliment it. I went to a colleague's house recently and it is not to my taste at all - completely the opposite to what I'd choose - but I could still appreciate the fact that it was all beautifully and thoughtfully done. It wasn't my kind of decor (and she knows that we have very different taste) but it was very well-executed and the moment I walked into her living room I said 'Oh, what an amazing room, you've done an incredible job'.

Our present house is very unique and lovely and my DP is looking forward to the lack of compliments when we leave. I would not comment every time unless something new but if visiting for the first time then I would probably try to compliment though I am super awkward and find if I am thinking I must compliment something it comes across really insincere even I genuinely mean it

Yes I agree - thats what the majority of posters who are talking about complimenting are saying: that they can find something positive to say.

in responses posters weirdos are saying you shouldn’t “poke around people’s house looking for something to say” or “I don’t want friends who lie” or implying that is abnormal to comment on things that matter to friends and family. Batshit

It's accepting that not everything needs a compliment.

I don't need telling I look good every time I venture out the house. If I'm wearing a new dress and made a special effort, then it might be nice to get a compliment, but I already feel good in myself, so I don't need one.

On days like today, when my hair really needed washing but I didn't have time, so it's just pulled back in a pony tail, and I've put on clothes that are clean but nothing out of the ordinary, it's not particularly nice to have someone tell me I look good. I know I look perfectly adequate, but not that good. If they told me my top was a lovely colour, I would think they were being fake or were desperately trying to find something to say. I'd rather they just asked about what I did at the weekend tbh.

Same as with my house. My house is perfectly nice; I like it, but it doesn't need complimenting by people who come in the door. It's not that special.

If we start complimenting everything "just because" how can we tell the difference between something that is really worthy of note and the fake white politeness lie?

WTF is this comment??

it is not 'pick me' to not subscribe to this fake platitude way of interacting with so called 'friends'

but besides that, this poster has said she suspects that her not feeling the need for compliments, may be an aspect of her neuro-divergence ffs.

Thing is no one is “desperately” looking for something to compliment. It’s really not that big.no one is walking into a shit tip and saying wow love the decor. Nor do you do it repeatedly. None of the many extremes people are posting applies. It’s just not that deep.

There is always something to compliment, unless it’s really very bad shit tip state, It doesn’t take a lot of thought, or any really.

personally in my experience people love a compliment, be it wow great house, or lovely space, to that’s a really nice top. Or great hair style, if said with feeling and in a genuine manner it makes people feel good. So I will carry on complimenting when the occasion calls for it. First time visit, work done, new hairstyle, dressed up, meal provided. Whatever. It’s never done me wrong. And always been a positive.

Did you read the OP? I said if it’s your first time visiting … but classic MN re-writing a narrative to suit themselves and you’ve practically wet yourself with glee running with it, giving two weird examples that were nothing to do with visiting a house for the first time.

Only exceptions would be if there was a big change/renovation. But no sure let’s pretend I said you need to compliment every single thing in someone’s house every single time.

I think I’m coming to the same conclusion as the PP who suggested that a lot of people on this thread don’t actually interact with other people irl, and I can also see why not.

Well, I think that on quite a few Mn threads, but in fairness, on this one I’m also wondering whether the visiting friends get subjected to the House Tour where everything is narrated in mind-numbing detail, down to the Big Decisions about the en suite floortile grout colour or whether the rug in the living room sufficiently picks up the ‘pops’ of teal from the curtains. In which case I admire them for staying conscious.

I also think that having visitors is clearly a huge deal for a disproportionate percentage of Mners, who don’t answer the doorbell, get straight into their pyjamas at 6 pm, and say the reason they dislike unexpected visitors is because their house isn’t ’visitor-ready’. So presumably when they actually invite people, it’s a rare event, they’ve spent forever tidying, they’re not necessarily at ease with people in their space, hence needing compliments and reassurance, and finding it upsetting not to get them.

Whereas for people who are more casual about visitors in their homes, who take a more relaxed approach to tidiness etc, it’s not necessarily clear that it’s such a big deal.

Goodness that’s over the top in terms of your first paragraph. All we are talking about is complimenting someone’s home.

This, to be honest I've never not been able to find something positive, easy location, nice location, nice setting, views, garden etc etc you don't need to even comment on the interior design but even then I've never found something I couldn't honestly compliment.

I don't believe the test for a compliment should be would I choose it, I can appreciate things I would choose myself.

I’m not four and I am neurodiverse. But if putting down people who are not like you is your thing then go ahead.

Why be so rude? People are allowed different views than you. Why is it weird or batshit not to value a compliment that is given as part of protocol rather than because the giver is particularly keen on something? Two different approaches.

You could well be right here.

What's wrong with just saying: "Thanks for having me round, it's lovely to see you." I don't get the pressure to compliment the house itself.

This. I suspect there is a cross over between people who want visitors to compliment their house, and the posters who don't like people popping in because they haven't had time to make their home into a showroom. Whereas I visit people to see the people not their house, and I feel the same about people visiting me. I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with people who judged me on that.

No. I'm abundantly aware I'm not like the other girls, unfortunately - people like you are always making me aware. How many times do I have to explain I'm neurodiverse? Does it make you feel better to mock someone because they can't pick up on the unwritten psychic rules of neurotypical conversations and social norms. I'm not a "cool girl", "pick me" girl or any of that nonsense.

What I am is honest. So no. I don't need platitudes or compliments or reassurance about my house or me. Genuinely. It makes no odds.

And I don't think that makes me better or worse than anyone else. Just different from some. And less rude than you based on your awful comments to any one who doesn't share your opinion on this thread.

That's an extraordinarily rude comment, and frankly says so much more about you than the poster it's aimed at.
How embarrassing for you to make a virtue out of being so shallow 😬
Mortified for you.

I’m with you. From my own personal experience and that of my ND friends, I don’t care what people think of my things. If I like them that’s what’s important. I don’t care if someone doesn’t like my clothes or furniture etc. it’s completely irrelevant to me. In turn in wouldn’t occur to me to compliment a house because I don’t need mine complimenting.
it’s not about being ‘cool’. As I’ve already said, the ableism on MN is very apparent.

Actually I genuinely believe there is a strong correlation between those who don’t wish to compliment and those who don’t like visitors and don’t like their own homes.

That's my quote in this text, so I'm guessing it's at least somewhat directed at me.

You're generalisation is bizarre. I usually do compliment people's homes - as it happens. But there is nothing whatsoever what taking a different approach, notably the one I mentioned.

What a strange thread.

Well good job I’m not mortified you wrote such a load of drizzle. Imagine actually allowing a stranger posting on a forum to make you feel any type of emotion 😂