To think you should compliment someone’s home?

[freeabdhappy]

If they are your friend and it’s their first time visiting?

I always tell my friends how nice I think their homes are when I visit - even if it’s not to my taste in the slightest.

If they love their new home and it's the first time I've been, I would certainly find something positive and enthusiastic today.

'What a bright room'
'This is such a lovely size'
'I wish our garden was as a big'
'I'm so happy for you, it's lovely'

It would feel been strange to me not to be positive about something so important.

Yes because what harm is there in making someone uou love or care about feel good about themselves. If you’re so so focused on you must never tell a little white lie. Ever. Like you’re 4. Then phrase it in a way that’s true. The length is great, the colour is great. The shape is fantastic , whatever.

My house is not gorgeous. It is perfectly nice, but it's also very cluttered and some areas are badly in need of decoration.

If a friend came round and told me it was gorgeous because they felt it was a nice thing to say, I would make a mental note not to trust that friend's opinion on anything in the future. And, as I would know they were lying, it wouldn't make me feel good - it would make me wonder why my friend thought I needed buoying up.

I value my friends' honesty more than their fake compliments. If they've come round to see me, I hope they enjoy the time they spend with me, and maybe they could make a remark about that instead?

And if the haircut looks awful but they've had it done to (say) impress an ex at an event they are going to, or because they will be in the spotlight (e.g. bridesmaid at a wedding) is telling them it looks great really the best thing to do?

Yes, as it can’t be easily changed. Sometimes a little white lie to make a friend or loved one feel good about themselves is a good thing to do. Why make someone feel shit by pointedly ignoring something.

I have thought about this way too much. I think the 2 camps just engage in different types of friendships, like the rules of engaging is different. 'being polite' isn't something I expect or want from my friends. thats for the hundreds of aquaintences and strangers that people interact with. I value honesty, integrity, authenticity, humour blah blah blah. but being polite does not feature. I don't want a friend to tell me that my hair is nice, when it isnt I want to be able to trust that a friend will tell me the truth

What's wrong with just saying: "Thanks for having me round, it's lovely to see you." I don't get the pressure to compliment the house itself.

this absolutely

But I wouldn't want you mentally poking around for something or say. My home isn't to everyone's taste. It's to mine, with a lot of aspects I have chosen because I find them beautiful. That's fine.

Why do you imagine your positive opinion holds so much weight? Save compliments for when they're genuine and spontaneous.

I mean, there are occasions when they're expected such as a new baby, or the bride"s appearance, a new home, ok,, but someone's home you've not been to before really doesn't make that list.

Those comments could really quite patronising and like faint praise to me. Why bother? Just be good company and enthusiastic about seeing your friend. Especially 'i wish our garden...' why would you be comparing your house? It's a bit materialistic.and intrusive to be looking so closely just for the sake of paying a compliment. Focus on the company and how they're doing

Imagine a friend has spent 6mths renovating a house that they saved hard for, they’ve had no hot water or kitchen and have lived on microwave meals from a “kitchen” set up in their hall. They’ve used every last penny to get the house completed and spent the last three days off work so they could clean and tidy. You hate the colour of the units.

mumsnetters: (walking though house into kitchen, studiously ignoring transformation) “so how was work this week”

also mumsnetters; “I don’t know why people don’t like me, I’m friendly I ask polite questions….”

Or, I would say something like "wow it must be great not living in a building site anymore" I don't need to give fake compliments to engage with people. I also have lots of friends.

You say "Oh wow, the kitchen is finished - you've worked so hard to do it all; it must have been a real labour of love. Are you pleased with it? Was it worth all the sacrifices"

Showing an interest and acknowledging their work and effort without mentioning the colour of the units. And giving them an opening to tell you all about how difficult the renovation was (which is something they probably are wanting to tell you about).

No but that's different to just complimenting a house you've never been to. The OP didn't say a new place, or if they'd renovated or decorated. Of course you'd recognise the effort made even if not to your taste.

I only compliment if I mean it, regarding anything

Or, I would say something like "wow it must be great not living in a building site anymore" I don't need to give fake compliments to engage with people. I also have lots of friends.

This.

You say "Oh wow, the kitchen is finished - you've worked so hard to do it all; it must have been a real labour of love. Are you pleased with it? Was it worth all the sacrifices"

Showing an interest and acknowledging their work and effort without mentioning the colour of the units. And giving them an opening to tell you all about how difficult the renovation was (which is something they probably are wanting to tell you about).

And also very much this.

You can be kind, empathetic and positive without being fake, lying or patronising as many previous examples have been.

Yes, it’s gorgeous. There are various paints (like F and B’s Setting Plaster) that try to emulate it, but it never quite works. A friend of mine just decided not to paint over the plaster.

The thing that intrigues me about this stuff is (based on Mn and some of my own experiences as a non-UK person living in a village in the midlands) is people giving visitors ‘house tours’. (1) While this might be fine if you’ve renovated a derelict 17th c gate lodge or lighthouse, there’s generally not a lot to say about the usual open-plan kitchen with Quooker tap, and someone’s airing cupboard and (2) it does seem to be inviting compliments.

Absolutely. 😂

my friend did exactly that, full blown renovation . Wasn’t what I’d have done. But I still walked in, told her how lovely it was and did the tour admiring it. Anything else would have been shitty.

But in that case you don’t say it’s gorgeous, you say great space,or fabulous location, great size garden, great light in here . It’s still a compliment, likely a lie, but again you’re not to know that,

Oh lord save us all from the house tour. I used to live somewhere interesting (as in examples), so did my brother (not a brag, we were both renting small places at the time, just happened on old quirky houses). People used to always want to see the full place. I was happy to show them but felt such a tit. I would never now in our much more ordinary place. What are.people supposed to say?! Oh great, I now know where the box room is!

what IS this notion, that you won't know that your friend is lying to you, when they make some inane and unbidden comment about your house??

I don't want or need compliments about my house. It's unremarkable and there is not much to say about it.
(and no it's not in a fabulous location, it's a modern house with small rooms and the light is awful).

I certainly don't want visiting friends to feel they have to think of something to say about it out of some sort of politeness. I'd much rather they showed they were happy to see me, then the house.

Goodness folks are really sensitive about their houses. This doesn’t seem to be about you shouldn’t compliment someone’s home. It’s mine isn’t great so let’s not mention it.

Your first two sentences are so refreshing!

what?

The OP asked if a friend who is visiting for the first time should compliment the house. She clearly feels hard done by because she always compliments someone's house even if she doesn't like it. And a friend she hosted didn't, presumably. No mention of the extensive house renovations as far as I can see.
Essentially, what OP is implying that she would rather her friend lied to her out of politeness than not commented anything at all. It's a completely different issue from what you are describing.