To think you should compliment someone’s home?

[freeabdhappy]

If they are your friend and it’s their first time visiting?

I always tell my friends how nice I think their homes are when I visit - even if it’s not to my taste in the slightest.

Perhaps not if it is this one...

Why would you assume she needed “reassurance” about her home from some near stranger?!

Do you say it every time you visit? Even if that's say once a month and nothing's changed? If so, that's weird. I'm rubbish at telling lies so unless I really do like it I say nothing, and I'd only say something if it was clear they'd redecorated and I liked it, or bought a new piece of furniture that I liked.

I’m so glad I don’t know people like you. None of my friends would ever say something so odd.

I personally don't find fake compliments make me feel good about myself.
They make me feel that the person is being false (and either doesn't like the house, or hasn't paid any actual attention to it as they are just coming up with some standard platitude).

I have a manager who finishes every conversation with me by telling me that I am amazing. The first time or twoh he said it, it was great and I felt really buoyed up. Now it just feels like he is saying it because he feels he should. I'd rather he kept his compliments to times when there is actually something specific to compliment.

It’s what you said 🤷🏻‍♀️
Maybe it’s your own brain that needs engaging, as you so rudely advised @ISeriouslyDoubtIt

Which bit specifically is odd?

Well...being ND I find it hard to know exactly what the intention was as I find it hard to read at the best of times. So I'd think she was nice?

I didn't invite her round because I wanted (or needed) her judgement or opinion of my house, I wanted her company.

And the concept that she'd noticed my home was dated and wanted to reassure me makes it 100% worse for me! The autistic fear of being perceived! The only way I can describe it is that it literally makes me want to bleach my insides it makes me feel that uncomfortable.

She is "gushy"...she'll say things like "you really are stunningly beautiful, you know. The most beautiful person I've ever met." I am definitely not, I'm plump, greying and middle aged and pretty average looking. And I know for a fact she says that to all of her friends, privately, and I just think..."Now. I really like you and value this friendship but you've just been really blatantly dishonest there and honesty is really important to me so now I feel deeply uncomfortable." Like...I wasn't thinking about my appearance until she brought it up, and now I feel self conscious.

But maybe, as you suggest I should just try and imagine the intent is good next time we're doing the fake compliment dance.

It's clearly just another in a long line of ND/NT communication issues.

The comments aren't necessarily fake though. Like when I went to my friends house...it wasn't an amazing house but I was able to find positive things about it so I mentioned them.

If someone compliments you on the colour of your walls say, “oh DH chose that colour, I think it’s a bit too dark “
That tests them.
😉😁😁

If I see something nice, I will always mention it- anything from nice granite worktops to a comfy-looking chair or a cool kitchen utensil. But I won't say "oh your house is lovely".

Sometimes it feels like certain Mumsnetters have never actually interacted with a human being in real life before.

Of course you say something nice about someone's home. Even if it's a pigsty. Best case scenario, it gives them a boost. Worse case scenario, they know you're lying but appreciate that you care enough to lie. A friend had new flooring put down last week, not particularly to my taste, but I still told her it looked lovely and made the the room look bigger. Nobody in their right mind would stand there and say nothing, it would be absurd.

Would you not tell a bride she looked beautiful on her wedding day, even if you privately thought her dress was hideous? A child that you like their drawing even though it was terrible?

Actually, I've just realised (and maybe this is another ND thing or just a "me" thing) but I'm not someone who needs compliments or reassurance. I just don't really care. It's nice if you get a genuine compliment but it's a bonus rather than something I depend on and I could quite happily exist without compliments.

So the concept that people feel they need to desperately look for something good to compliment about my house (or me) doesn't sit well with me at all. I take it as being really patronising and superior (although I completely understand that's not the intent).

Just come see me, have a cuppa and a chat. No need to compliment me or my house at all.

But I will start practising some more stock phrases other than "you have a lovely home" for the NTs in my life as they must think I'm rude for nor saying "brilliant taps you chose there!" and so on.

Of course. Always.Or if meeting up and someone’s dressed up say they look lovely. Or if they’ve had their hair done, same.

I'm a pretty well-mannered individual, but I'm not someone who offers compliments just to conform to social/societal expectations. I just find it really fake.

What even if it is lovely?

😂

I go with the time-tested "this mustiness would be great for growing mushrooms!"

Never fails :)

It wouldnt occur to me. In fact its a bit weird as if im scrutinising their home

This is a really sad response: You thought you looked good, your colleague thought you looked good and complimented you accordingly, but because others also looked good - and most people do look lovely when they dress up for an event - and received similar compliments you assume that your colleague was lying.

similarly, saying “you look great in that skirt”; or “that’s a lovely blouse on you” doesn’t mean the person giving the compliment is lying just because they don’t have the same taste.

I do always say something positive when I visit someone's home but it's always genuine. I obviously have my own taste but even if something wouldn't be ideal for me or wouldn't work in my space I can appreciate that it's nice. I think all homes have potential regardless of age or size and I feel the same way about gardens.

I would consider it good manners and absolutely the norm to find something to compliment, even if it's just how lively/ quiet/ friendly/ convenient the neighbourhood is.

It doesn't, but it's nice to acknowledge that their home has a special place in their heart, hence finding something to compliment.

Isn't it a given though that someone's house is important to them?