To think you should compliment someone’s home?

[freeabdhappy]

If they are your friend and it’s their first time visiting?

I always tell my friends how nice I think their homes are when I visit - even if it’s not to my taste in the slightest.

@HoppityBun @PinkCast @redskydarknight you know your right it really isn’t a compliment! This has given me a little pause..maybe I think I’m complimenting but I’m really only commenting. In effort to keep post short I didn’t elaborate but I probably would join it to the house…it looks so nice on your fabulous new cooktop or you look so lovely in the necklace and I’m sure it’s so happy to be out of the jewelry box and living life (I do give “emotion” to objects). I think with friends or in certain social situations I feel more comfortable to compliment or “comment” and I absolutely want it to be genuine. In ob serving people I do think many go to effort on their homes appearance holiday tree or party and it’s my way of saying…I have noticed your hard work and effort and it’s lovely well done you…I do not randomly compliment people say like my patients on their clothes altho I have coworker/employees who do with nearly every patient and it is disingenuous.

Er, never crossed my mind really.

If I genuinely love someone’s house or they had just had it renovated I would mention but I wouldn’t feel obliged to.

I am not overwhelming interested in other people’s homes really and I certainly don’t choose my friends on the basis of where they live.

I don't think anyone's advocating lying. To me there's always something both positive and genuine to say and @redskydarknight @LoneHydrangea's examples are perfectly good ones.

Those aren't compliments though - they're simply statements.

And what if you don't spot anything that belonged to your host's mother?

Why would you not just compliment it? Are you unfamiliar with the concept of white lies? A new kitchen costs a fortune, as well as a lot of headspace. Why not just do the nice thing and tell them you think it's lovely. Or compliment one of the units, flooring or tiles even if you don't think they go together.

Is being honest about something like this really more important than being nice? Do you go to a wedding and tell the bride her dress is white, or do you tell her she looks lovely?

Yes, I think if it's a new home, you'd find something nice and mention it. Not every time you visit but that first time is usually to show you their home so there's an expectation of a comment. Even if they live in a cave you could authentically mention how lovely and cool it is! Find something nice to say! :)

Disagree. I used to say nice things about people’s homes and then I realized most of the time it wasn’t genuine.

If I'm invited to see their new house / new kitchen etc... then yes I'll comment positively on something.
If I'm just visiting then I may or may not, but don't feel compelled one way or another - and I certainly wouldn't think bad of a visitor to my house who doesn't give a compliment.

However, I stand by my previous comment - who decided it was bad manners not to compliment someone's Christmas tree??

What do you think I do, push my friend out the way, fall to my knees and declare this is the most beautiful home I’ve ever seen whilst wiping my eyes on the sofa cushions?

Er, no @freeabdhappy. Nobody thinks that. Don't be silly.

I think there are 2 different scenarios here.

Generally, if I was going to a friend's for some reason (birthday party / BBQ / dinner / to borrow something / to pick them up on the way somewhere), then I wouldn't comment on their house, unless there was something that specifically leapt out at me as being lovely or quirky.

OTOH, if someone had bought a new home / started renting their first place and was clearly excited about it and asked my if I would like to come over and see it, that is a completely different scenario, and I would obviously find some nice things to say about it, to share their exceitement.

I think YABU to say "you should compliment someone's home" just because you are visiting someone though.

The first time I enter someones home then I would compliment something.
Same if I visited someone who had just decorated or bought new furniture.

Remember my MIL and sisterIL visiting after we had knocked walls down and fitted a new kitche,new sofa etc...they never said a word

I don't do this as on one occasion they started buying me bits for my birthday similar to what they had in their house. Of course it was kind to buy me a gift but they were hurt when I didn't use them and also baffled when they realised I like maximalist gothic whereas they are minimalist neutral.

So instead I comment on the changes I notice or pick out an item I actually like, or ask the history of any interesting art or pieces.

I choose not to lie to family and friends. I can't stand fake compliments.
There have been several reasons why it's a bad idea to make them on this thread.

I've never been to a wedding where the bride didn't look lovely. I think brides give out a happy radiance that is more than the sum of dress, makeup, hair etc.

(My father at my wedding told me I looked "very nice". coming from him, that was high praise indeed. If he'd told me I looked lovely, I would have assumed he was lying).

Why would you not just compliment it? Are you unfamiliar with the concept of white lies?
Do you have self esteem issues?
Why on earth do you need compliments on your home so badly that you’re happy to receive them even if you suspect they’re not genuine?
@WickieRoy

Exactly. As a ND person I find it really hard to trust what people are saying having learned that they just say it to be “polite”.

Yes I always try to not necessarily complement the house as a whole but find something to pinpoint and appreciate. There's always something you can find.

If it’s a new home or the first time you’ve visited but not if you’re round there every week.

I made a new friend who lived in a council house...she started apologising as soon as I walked in. Place wasn't exactly plush but the living room was a nice size and let in natural light so I said this.

Yeah I think it's part of polite society to say some kind of compliment, literally just "oh you're house is nice" when you arrive is enough.

I know it's not necessary at all, but it feels the equivalent of saying "how are you?" when you see someone and they reply "good thanks, and you?". It's pointless yes, but it feels very noticeable when it's not there

🤣

I said upthread that I never notice if anyone compliments my home.

I do care about my loved ones' feelings much more than I care about their decor though, and if a friend spent a fortune on a new kitchen I'd compliment it.

Yes definitely. It’s just basic good manners. I would always do this. Even if I’ve been before I would say ‘ooh garden is looking nice’ ‘you get so much light in here’ ‘is that a new picture?’ ‘oh I love these plants.’

Being nice just makes people feel better.

I never comment even if it's an amazing home, I don't want them thinking I'm judging them

I don't care about other people's houses. I'm there to see them not their stuff.

Thirded!

It is very hard as an ND person to know wtf is going on half the time when people lie incessantly to "be polite".

I'm now over analysing a situation from about 6 years ago when a friend who was new at the time invited me to her home for the first time and thinking "did I gush enough? Did I give enough compliments? Did I give any compliments?! OH MY GOD WHAT DID I SAY?"

I'm worried about that particular situation as I found it really odd. She'd lived in her home for a few years (so not like she'd just moved in) and I'd went round for a cup of tea and chat and she gave me a tour of her entire house...a bit like an estate agent. Every single room. The under stairs cupboard. The garage. The insides of wardrobes.The downstairs loo, bathroom and ensuites. Literally everything. I found it really awkward. But being ND I find a lot of things awkward. I just didn't know what the script was.

I didn't do that when she came to mine. But she was walking around the lounge and kitchen looking up at the ceilings and going "WOW you have a BEAUTIFUL home!!! I love the dado rails. And this lamp. What gorgeous floor tiles."

I don't have an especially nice home. It's quite dated and needs a lot of work which we are saving up for and I hated that my home was being scrutinised. So the compliments were definitely fake. I was thinking "fuuuuuck. Was this what I was supposed to do on that excruciating house tour?"

I find it all so bloody hard. These unwritten social rules. And the fake compliments make me like her less not more. Then she probably thinks I'm a terrible person for not coming up with detailed frilly compliments myself. It's so much easier when we can just "be".

But with these fake compliments as you call them...what do you think her intention was when she said them? Because why people say these is to make others feel good about themselves..

You said your home was dated... perhaps she noticed and just wanted to reassure you.