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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

438 replies

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 17:48

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 17/08/2024 20:28

Just be thankful they eloped! This holiday nonsense is delayed bridezillaness.

autienotnaughty · 17/08/2024 20:30

I'd apologise for the childcare remark but I'd definitely go out again. And ignore the arsey attitude

ChildlessCatLadiesRuleOK · 17/08/2024 20:33

Your sister should have told you she wanted you along as unpaid nanny, thereby giving you the option to say 'ok but for a maximum of two days' or 'when hell freezes over'.

Onelifeonly · 17/08/2024 20:33

They should have made their expectations clear. It's pretty mean to keep leaving their children too, from the kids' point of view. You could all have organised it properly with different groups taking it in turns to go out, or all going together.

As for missing paid for meals....that's no skin off her nose, you have to pay for them if it's all inclusive. It won't cost her more because you paid for a meal out. Complaining about that shows she wants to control you, otherwise it's completely illogical.

Sorry it sounds pretty awful. Personally I think I'd start going out more.

TheNuthatch · 17/08/2024 20:36

Manlon · 17/08/2024 20:20

Ah I see, fair enough.

To be honest, sounds like you and your family are pretty close.

I don't think you're in the wrong at all but it's their honeymoon and the risk is - no matter how unreasonable it would be - you don't want the lasting narrative being 'you ruined our honeymoon'. Be the bigger person, pull your sister aside when she's on her own - and say 'hey what's this all about? You really this upset we went out for the day?'.

Then just explain your perspective about your nephew like you have done here and make up.

Probably away from the husband and the rest of the family and a heart to heart sister chat and hug and make up will be enough to squash it.

Don't let it fester - it'll just ruin everyone's holiday.

I don't think you're in the wrong but bigger picture and all that.

This!
Your dsis is being horrendous to you all, but the right approach will make all the difference here.

If you can get through to her sister-to-sister, and drag her off her high horse, you've got a chance of actually improving things for everybody on the holiday.
You don't want to be the bad guy on her honeymoon!

Ponderingwindow · 17/08/2024 20:37

It was unfair of them not to be explicit that the trip came with strings attached. You were perfectly reasonable to take a day to explore.

given the situation, I do think you should all have set up a rota so that MIL was not unfairly burdened. Possibly even been explicit with your hosts about how much childcare they will be getting. Pregnant and older people traveling to warm destinations often need rest and aren’t up to chasing children all day, every day.

DandyClocks · 17/08/2024 20:40

I feel really sorry for your mum. There she was looking forward to a proper holiday at last, and your sister has basically taken the piss and used her for cheap childcare. I’m guessing she does this at home too? What a prize bitch!

I’m really surprised that you’re all still speaking to be honest. 😆

ahjeez · 17/08/2024 20:40

Can I ask, have the kids been able to have days out at all? Or have they just been at the hotel while their parents go out?

2chocolateoranges · 17/08/2024 20:45

If she wanted a honeymoon just the two of them she should have either arrange proper childcare or got married before she had children!

she’s a cheeky fucker!

MumblesParty · 17/08/2024 20:50

DogsDinner · 17/08/2024 18:45

@MumblesParty

I don’t think it was unreasonable to go sightseeing for the day, but it might have been tactful to be back for dinner.

A big family holiday like this is not really a do entirely what you want deal, especially if you’re not paying!

I wasn’t worried about the Granny babysitting. I’m late fifties, and would much prefer babysitting after dinner than staying up drinking.

But if she was unhappy, why on earth didn’t you all take a turn? It would have been one evening each.

The kids are your nephews/nieces/grandchildren. Surely you would want to spend some time with them? You make them sound like nothing but a nuisance.

@DogsDinner but the sister and her husband are going out every day, so they’re not really embracing the family holiday thing, are they? And they’re not a pair of blushing young newly weds away together for the first time. They’ve been together over 10 years. Longer than OP and her DH I expect.

And the poor parents - it sounds like they’ve never been abroad, but they’re not allowed to see a new country either. They’re expected to stay at the hotel babysitting.

Mischance · 17/08/2024 20:53

Woah - that's a cheeky way to get a peaceful honeymoon when you've got children! Neat idea though - got to hand it to them!

You did nothing wrong.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/08/2024 20:58

Your sister is being a Honeymoon zilla. She's got three couples working for her as childminders and is a massive CF and her new DH making those stupid quips would have really annoyed me.
Your dad needs to stop chipping in with his silly comments and stirring. Its none of his business if you and DH go out for the day.

Unfortunately, putting everything you say and do in a bad light has become the new holiday entertainment.
I agree with @Manlon that you may have to bite your tongue as there's not much time left and any reasonable discussion will be willfully misconstrued as "ruining" the honeymoon. The nonsense about taking your poor 9 year old DN was very unfair.

You can say something when you get back and they are in the land of reality again.!

I hope you can still enjoy the rest of your time despite this nonsense.
Maybe take your lovely mum away for a nice weekend with no childcare afterwards. It sounds like you all deserve it.

Dymaxion · 17/08/2024 20:58

A big family holiday like this is not really a do entirely what you want deal, especially if you’re not paying!

But it isn't a big family holiday is it ? It's one couples honeymoon and everyone else has been brought along to babysit, without being aware of this when it was pitched to them.

MSLRT · 17/08/2024 20:59

I wouldn’t hide up in your room. You are not in the wrong. Your sister has a bloody cheek.

BettyBardMacDonald · 17/08/2024 21:01

JabbaTheBeachHut · 17/08/2024 17:58

Your sister and BIL should've been upfront.

You shouldn't have dragged your mum into it and made the dig about childcare.

I disagree. Past time for them to be pulled up on taking advantage of everyone.

Clearly that was their plan.

elessar · 17/08/2024 21:03

Your sister and her husband are total piss takers!

The fact that she has the nerve to call you cheeky for leaving the hotel when she and her husband have been out every single day leaving her kids with you and your parents. It's breathtakingly tone deaf and selfish of both of them, they're treating you like second class citizens on this "holiday".

BettyBardMacDonald · 17/08/2024 21:06

I'd be rethinking all the free babysitting once you return home, too.

Clearly they don't respect you.

It's a pity that your mother who seldom travels is letting herself be treated like dirt on this holiday.

MummyJ36 · 17/08/2024 21:06

They’d have been better asking if you could take the kids for a few days so they could go on a holiday alone. I’d be really disappointed in your position. It’s normal for family to rally around when there are more adults than kids on holiday but this is ridiculous. Ultimately the primary childcare lies with the parents and they seem to have really hoodwinked everyone (particularly your poor mum) into being 24/7 childminders.

WhereDoWeGoFromHereBill · 17/08/2024 21:10

Well it's a silver lining for you then if it is still frosty and they aren't talking to you!!

Wayhaay - off you go and have fun on your own.

Let them cut off their noses to spite their faces

DeadpoolvsBlackswan · 17/08/2024 21:11

no logical reason at all as I regularly babysit her kids or take them on days out.

She sees you as free childcare. The reason why your DSis if that's what you want to call her doesn't use nurseries or childminders it's not that she doesn't trust them it's because they are too expensive. You have fallen for it. That's why she treats you and talks to you the way she does she thinks you're easy to manipulate. I am guessing you are normally more reliable to her needs in the UK. It's up to you if you want to carry on being used as free childcare if it was me I would have second thoughts.

diddl · 17/08/2024 21:15

You should all go out for a day & leave them to it.

Better still-all go home!

Momtotwokids · 17/08/2024 21:20

Everyday on here I read of people that do things I would never have thought of. I would take everyone but the two losers and go out everyday. They can watch their own kids and no more babysitting at home.

DefyingGravitas · 17/08/2024 21:23

Floppyelf · 17/08/2024 20:16

Back in the UK does your sister also look after your kids?

I’m assuming she doesn’t have any? She does say she babysits for sister’s kids in the UK too though.

JabbaTheBeachHut · 17/08/2024 21:23

BettyBardMacDonald · 17/08/2024 21:01

I disagree. Past time for them to be pulled up on taking advantage of everyone.

Clearly that was their plan.

Her mum can speak for herself.

Furrydogmum · 17/08/2024 21:25

Your sister should have got married and had her honeymoon before having kids if this is the honeymoon she wants! She should, at least, have asked your parents to look after the children at home while they honeymooned, and paid for your parents to have a nice holiday afterwards.. You're not the CF.