To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

[HitTheLight]

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

This

Not in 1966. You had to be over 21.
But they did elope - not just get married without anyone knowing. An elopment takes place where there is parental/familial opposition.

So you have paid for flights and paid with a week of your precious annual leave, to have the honour of being a prisoner in an AI with unlimited babysitting duties.

Thats one costly holiday.

I feel quite upset for your poor mum, who you said has never had the money for a holiday abroad. And here she has spent her own money on plane tickets to this holiday, only to find she was only invited to be a week of free childcare, and not even allowed to go see the island let alone enjoy any of the vacation herself. It's almost worse than not ever having gone at all, because now she has spent the money, and she's ON the island, she just can't do anything fun with that time and she's supposed to pretend she's so grateful to your sister.

This was a terrible bait-and-switch by your sister, and a cruel way to treat her own mother. I would be highly tempted to have words with your sister here.

So sorry this has tainted your holiday. I've been on a similar receiving end, with a DSis with a wealthier husband, with lots more things in range for them than for DH and I. The dynamic and sense of entitlement can get really odd. Similar occasion happened when DSis offered to organise a long WE away for her family (DSis, DBIL, 3 DNs), mine (me, DH, DS) and our DPs. We all paid towards it having agreed affordability, but when we got there it was a gigantic manor house and I think DBIL had upgraded and paid the extra. We had agreed to divvy up the meals and all contribute a course to the main meal on the special occasion day. We turned up with a case of wine for the household and a big bootful of shopping. DSis swished around in elegant clothes, had the master suite (fair enough, they organised it), did no catering at all and lounged around with a book while DM and I entertained all 4 kids for the entire time. It somehow wasn't possible to get the balance back because she clearly felt entitled to be the lady of the manor and us the staff. Naming the dynamic then makes you the awkward one. On the way home she'd clearly had enough family times and dumped DPs on us at a service station (they were supposed to be staying with her and flying to where they live from the airport near DSis' house the next day). They were more than welcome with us, but so hurt and confused and DSis acknowledged no part in the whole thing.

I don't know that I have any advice which would help your holiday, but havibg tried honesty, open talks, ignoring it and every other tactic, I now just leave DSis to be herself and me do me according to my own values. So no tit for tat or withdrawing from my DNs, accepting her generosity if she's inclined to extend it, and not expecting any more empathy or grace than she can provide. In your shoes, I'd probably do that.

I wouldn't consider minding someone else's 3 young children full time 'a holiday', no matter where I was.

So overall, I think that your sister and her husband wanted a child free holiday, but they perhaps felt guilty about doing this. I think that naively they thought that, as it is their honeymoon, you and everyone else wouldn't feel bad looking after the wee ones, but I think it is absolutely understandable that you all feel that you've been used! If they had been upfront about it, it would have been quite different, but instead it has built up resentment.
Essentially, I think they have been cheeky to do this, but I think there was a certain degree of not expecting it to be confronted. If it was to be a family holiday, it could have worked out that they had a couple of days to themselves as could everyone else.
I think the best move is to try and settle things with your sister. I think as well if it's possible, try and take your mum for a trip somewhere so she can have a holiday, although that is quite a big demand!
You haven't done anything wrong, I'd try and smooth things over with your sister as best you can. I hope it all goes OK.

The OP has the choice of not being a doormat, and telling her father - the grandfather of these children - to put his wife first. You forgot that one.

@HitTheLight

It’s a weird situation, and reminds me of family holidays with my DP and his family. I don’t pay and feel like I have no voice for the duration, and my main role is childcare.

No, you’ve done nothing wrong. And I know if I announced a view/choice etc during the family holidays I endure, it would just stir things up. So I don’t bother and just count down the days/hours/seconds…

No such thing as a free holiday. 😵‍💫

I agree they are total CFs and have behaved appallingly to all of you (apart from your Dad, who’s doing nothing but stirring - is your DSis his favourite by any chance?).

Turning down your offer to take your 9yo nephew for the day and then snarking about not taking the others really shows them up for what they are.

Agree with others who recommend setting firmer boundaries with them once you’re home, too.

This this this.
Your sis and big are being incredibly manipulative and controlling!

Surely when she balled you out for going off you pointed out that she has give out every day

Honestly you are being taken advantage of, they should look at the holiday as a thank you for all the unpaid babysitting you have done at home. I had a similar issue with my bro and his (now ex) wife thought they never paid for anything for me and I would say never again. Funnily the level of help you give is never reciprocated when you have kids of your own!

L’enfer c’est les autres.

How old is the grandfather? I think the OP mentioned her mother was 55 (?) - which is at least 20 years away from being an old granny who doesn't mind sitting in the children's bedroom all evening while her husband drinks and enjoys himself downstairs. They're my generation, and men of that generation were darned well expected to be involved with child-rearing. I feel very sorry of the OP's mother. Her husband clearly doesn't care whether she's happy. Poor woman.

Well she can look after her own kids then, can't she?

If there are six extra adults to look after the kids, why is it a problem if two of them (the OP and her husband) aren’t around for one day? And what ‘plans’ are there for them to fit in with? The OP’s sister didn’t make ‘plans’ - she didn’t discuss any of this with the OP in advance. She just invited them on holiday and then fucked off for couple time every day without asking anyone in advance if that would be OK.

By deciding to go out for one day, the OP didn’t leave her sister in the lurch in any way. There were four other adults who chose to stay in the resort. The OP wasn’t preventing her sister from going anywhere.

Expecting all six adults to stay round the pool for a entire week eating at a buffet and looking after her kids every day is fucking awful behaviour from the OP’s sister.

OP- this SHOULDNT be relevant and in no way is it relevant to me BUT has your sister (how do I say this without sounding …) has she ‘married UP’??

Something in your post stood out to me and it stood out (and i’m not ‘judging’ you ..I just pressed the vote that ‘you are NOT being unreasonable’
but you worded something that rarely hear or see people say (or type) you said - ‘paraphrasing here’ -
Mmu parents have always been poor so a free holiday abroad is a luxury for them ‘
(DISCLAIMER- no glasses/ very poorly / tired so I am simply paraphrasing
BUT you definitely said ‘my parents have always been poor’

My mum and her second H are relatively and comfortably comfortable- off / well off even whereas my workaholic menial paid father is not comfortable in fact FAR from it
but i can’t call anyone ‘poor’ maybe im being ‘weird’ ..

Could (and please don’t come at me anyone reading ..) but ‘could’ your sister think of you and your parents as easily bought and will just shut up types? because she looks at you as the ‘poor relations’ ? only i’ve seen this a million times .. the family members who are multi millionaires- when they have a birthday coming up everyone (and of those - mostly not in a financial good place at all) rally around and try to impress the rich ones

If your parents have always been ‘poor’ (i hate writing that :(
then chances are that nothing really is going to change dramatically in their financial part of their lives in their twilight years …

Could (and i say a very big ‘could’ cause i think your sister is a CF) could sis think ‘well they’re all so poor .. we are getting and paying for a holiday that cost thousands so why the hell SHOULDNT they give us free childcare .. after all not like they’re stuck in a high rise flat and we’ve gone galloping off to a bed island?!

You yourself have said you ADORE the nephews and your own parents do too

could S think she’s killing two birds with one stone …

family get together

children (cousins all play make memories)

in your sisters eyes had she not paid for you then you wouldn’t have been able to have such a beUday out in the first place ,?

Yes if she is how it’s been said on here she’s a p taker!

but what if you all fall out over lack of communication, expectations and boundaries?

apart from your (hopefully LOVELY) day and your brat of a sisters response
has there been plus points ? cousins bonding?

does your mum as she’s older than you all could she actually WANT to maybe be up in an air con room with sleepy / sleeping grandbabies etc .. if everyone makes sure she’s got some crisps / bar shack and bring up some nice cold drinks .. children all bushes and whacked out .. maybe it’s nice for her ?!

be a bigger person

wipe the slate clean but DO NOT apologise for having a day out

learn from this

mixing ANYONE + holidays = DISASTER imvho

EVERYONE has different expectations , some want days out , kids get short with everyone , tantrums , heat stroke, sun stroke , different tastes of cuisines snd what restaurants can end in ww3!
a ‘simple’ choice between
‘beach day or pool day ‘ can also be a war! some hate getting sand everywhere and no shade hence they will happily be by the clean pool others love jumping into the cold but exhilarating ocean

anyone reading OPs thread - please do t ever accept a ‘free holiday’ unless gifted you ! but no ‘freebies’ that involves everyone going it’s just a nightmare waiting to happen and as my late grandmother said ‘no such thing dear as a FREE SCHOOL LUNCH’…

It sounds like your sister sprung this on you all so you didn't have a chance to ask the questions that would have revealed you were simply being taken along to babysit for them, and then possibly turn it down (as I think most people would).

Fuck no!!!

I think it’s fucking disgusting that your poor mother who is quite poor who doesn’t get a holiday abroad is having to babysit every fucking night.

it’s grim. I’d never have anything to do with them again.

Thanks - I read it wrong. I thought they were taking OP's family to where the husband's family were but all inclusives in Oz aren't so much of a thing 😂

Really? She offered to pay for the hotel and food for a family holiday and then no-one is allowed to leave the hotel. I would not expect to babysit my DSis children on a regular basis whilst she went out all day without them if we were on a family holiday - I'd expect us all to go out together. If everyone else minding her children was what OP's DSis expected she should have explained - and then no-one (or pos only DPs) would have gone.

What’s the plan for tomorrow?

In your DS & BIL minds, you were all there to take care of their DC, not to have any personal time.

Don't go in holiday with family & friends.

FFS! Why are people STILL quoting the entire op to make a post!?