To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

[HitTheLight]

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

I would be livid. I assume you had to take annual leave for this 'holiday' and now they're telling you how to spend it. I would tell your sister how upset you are and highlight all the childcare you have done for her over the years and how dare she have attitude if you wanted a day to yourself. Don't let her make you feel guilty as you've done nothing wrong.

GF doesn’t help. The brother’s girlfriend is pregnant and not feeling great. If OP and her husband go off that leaves 2.

We paid for AI this year, it’s so samey, we ate out at least 6 times 😂

Tbh I’m not sure that OP’s brother is a sexist arsehole. He probably was annoyed by the CFery ( I would be too) or could be just not good with children yet, not all people are Mary Poppins by birth - I wasn’t before DD (and probably still far from it).

Your sister and her husband sound like a rotten pair. Sounds like your mum is scared of your sister, too, so I take it she has form.

They're, to put it mildly, the cheeky fuckers here.

they should have been up front about the childcare - but given that they weren't. there are three couples other than honeymoon pair; could have divided up the days between you, and each done your own thing around the childcare - even if that was days in the hotel with another couple looking after the children.
I don't really understand what their problem is.

Isn't all the other side of the family there too? I thought they lived in the country, are they all bound to the resort also?

I think the issue is that they should have said “we want a honeymoon but can’t leave the kids behind. If we pay for all of you, maybe you can provide round the clock on demand childcare for 3 dc of differing ages and needs and not expect much outside of that from your hol. That sound ok?”. Instead they made out like they’re doing you a big favour. Not on at all. They’re just pissed off that the paid childcare has done a bunk and they are thinking of overall childcare burden not their 9 yo when they chose not to send him on the trip with you. Really not fair. Your poor mum babysitting every night. Why can’t you all drink near to the rooms so you can all listen out for the dc?

We’re quite stunned to be honest by the whole thing. They are usually really attentive parents in the UK. I babysit often but that’s because of their shift patterns and because I adore the kids. I’ve never felt taken advantage of at home, I’m the godmother of one of the children. But they just weren’t honest about their intentions for the holiday, they spoke about all the great things in the area we’d be going and implied we’d all go together. But they just sod off out and leave us at the hotel with their kids. The fact that they have paid for this holiday seems to have bought out another side to them.

his family are in Australia we are in a Mediterranean island. They aren’t really relevant here but I mentioned them as I knew somebody may ask why they weren’t invited on the holiday

OK, to tone down my language a bit, DB is not yet a father and has no experience of looking after three children of different ages whilst his GF rests. DF is of a different generation where men simply weren't expected to step up.

That still leaves just OP and her Mum.

You have absolutely every right to go and explore the island without being accountable to anyone.
It would have been helpful if your sister and her husband wanted babysitting as part of the set up, that should have been discussed beforehand. IMO, you are under no obligation to provide childcare, irrespective of whether the holiday was paid for. If it had been discussed previously, an arrangement to to care for the children for an afternoon/evening could have been sorted.
Enjoy the rest of your holiday

Or the children's parents.
Or a holiday club.

I feel so sorry for the kids. You sound absolutely lovely and it’s nice for kids to have time with relatives but their mum and dad can’t be arsed with them and the older one will definitely know he’s been ditched while the toddler sounds like he’s probably been pretty unsettled.

They wanted a child free holiday. It's not a family holiday. They wasn't upfront about their childcare expectations. I think pitching it as a family holiday was very dishonest. You are basically the help and they are pissed off that you made them actually parent their own children. Why does it matter if you chose to eat out and spend you ownoney on a meal? Haven't they been spending money outside in their excursions? Honestly, fuck them I'd go out every day and take you poor mother with you.

Back in the UK does your sister also look after your kids?

You should all go out tomorrow and leave them with their own children. They've had plenty of free time. I would think its time for a small revolt. They are being extremely inconsiderate . Paying for part of your holiday ( not your flights) does not give them the right to dictate what you do.

I think you've been more than generous with looking after the kids and offering to take your DN out.
They've made out that they want to come away to celebrate with you all when actually it's because they can't get a babysitter for three kids otherwise.

Ah I see, fair enough.

To be honest, sounds like you and your family are pretty close.

I don't think you're in the wrong at all but it's their honeymoon and the risk is - no matter how unreasonable it would be - you don't want the lasting narrative being 'you ruined our honeymoon'. Be the bigger person, pull your sister aside when she's on her own - and say 'hey what's this all about? You really this upset we went out for the day?'.

Then just explain your perspective about your nephew like you have done here and make up.

Probably away from the husband and the rest of the family and a heart to heart sister chat and hug and make up will be enough to squash it.

Don't let it fester - it'll just ruin everyone's holiday.

I don't think you're in the wrong but bigger picture and all that.

Wow they think they bought you. No shit that (as someone not in their employ) you wanted to take one child rather than a gaggle of toddlers, who could probably make it to one park before needing to go home. It would have been really special for the elder child to be treated like an individual with a day away for the little ones - they are no thinking of anyone but themselves.

Your sister sounds like the kind of cheeky cunt that made you a godparent expecting free childcare or financial rewards/ presents from you to their kids. I had friends like this. I politely turned down their offer stating that I personally don’t believe myself to be the kind of spiritual guide in that way.

Wow that's quite the jump. Sounds like that hasn't been the case until now.

Your sister and her husband have been devious users. If she continues trying to guilt you it might be no harm telling her if she wants you to continue minding her children or taking them out back in the UK she better wind her neck in.

They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive.

I wonder if they had pitched the 'holiday' more truthfully as 'we want you to come on our Honeymoon so you can look after the children for the duration' whether everyone being offered the opportunity would have been as keen to take them up on their offer ?

Your DSIS should have been upfront about the childcare then you could have drawn up a rota between you so that you all did an equal share of the childcare and got equal time off to enjoy yourselves.

How much of the holiday is left? Can you draw up a rota for the remaining days? It doesn't take all of you to look after the DC at the same time.

Your DM shouldn't be sat in a hotel room every evening watching a sleeping toddler, put them in pushchair in the recliner position with a blanket and they'll be fine. It doesn't hurt them to be out of routine on holiday and once home they usually go back to the usual routine very quickly. Alternatively someone needs to join your DM out on the balcony with drinks, snacks and a deck of playing cards. Don't leave the poor woman on her own.