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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

438 replies

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 17:48

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

OP posts:
HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 18:41

We invited everyone out with us but we particularly made a point of inviting DParents but they said they needed to be with at the hotel to support with the children.

After all the adults said they didn’t fancy it, we then mentioned that maybe Dsis’s 9 year old son would like to come. We were going to visit some old dungeon’s in the local town (it was suitable for kids with staff dressed up to interact with, and lots of interactive elements) and knowing his interests I think it would’ve been right up his street. He was playing on the park during this conversation so I thought Dsis would tell us to go and ask him but she fobbed us off immediately. I expected maybe she was annoyed we offered to take the 9 year old but not the 4 year old or toddler. From her perspective maybe she found it cheeky we offered to take the laidback 9 year old and not the younger kids.

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 17/08/2024 18:44

DogsDinner · 17/08/2024 18:18

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable. There's 6 extra adults to look after their kids for 6 hours a day.

Surely you could have managed this between you and still had plenty of free time?

It is their honeymoon, they've paid for an expensive holiday for everyone. I don't think it's unreasonable to fit in with their plans somewhat.

That is ok if that was the proposal and everyone agreed upfront. It is entirely unreasonable to act as the benificent when actually you have an ulterior motive.

BreadInCaptivity · 17/08/2024 18:45

Whilst your sis and her DH win the CF prize, I think the fact that all you seem to think it's ok for Grandma to do ALL the evening babysitting means the rest of you are verging on CF territory....

DogsDinner · 17/08/2024 18:45

@MumblesParty

I don’t think it was unreasonable to go sightseeing for the day, but it might have been tactful to be back for dinner.

A big family holiday like this is not really a do entirely what you want deal, especially if you’re not paying!

I wasn’t worried about the Granny babysitting. I’m late fifties, and would much prefer babysitting after dinner than staying up drinking.

But if she was unhappy, why on earth didn’t you all take a turn? It would have been one evening each.

The kids are your nephews/nieces/grandchildren. Surely you would want to spend some time with them? You make them sound like nothing but a nuisance.

Iwantascone · 17/08/2024 18:45

They are being ridiculously precious about needing 'private time' because they got married a few months ago. They've been together 10 years and have 3 children!

Most people who stay at all inclusive hotels don't sit in them all week. We still travel about and eat out a fair bit. Why are they allowed out but the rest of the family are trapped there?

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 18:47

DB and his girlfriend have been doing their bit with the children but she is pregnant with their first and has exhaustion so often she will take herself to their room for a lie down, which is understandable. DB can handle the kids in small doses on his own but not for the whole day. Sister has made lots of comments about how he needs the practice.

OP posts:
llamajohn · 17/08/2024 18:48

Why are you letting mil do all the evening sitting?

BleedinghellNora · 17/08/2024 18:49

So you’ve been tricked into using up a week of your annual leave to provide free childcare?

I’d be fuming with her tbh.

To answer the question in your title, YANBU to go home early.

serenavanderwoodsenn · 17/08/2024 18:50

It’s not a game of sims where she can control everyone bloody hell

DarkForces · 17/08/2024 18:50

I'd be super pissed off if someone expected me use my precious annual leave to babysit without asking me free holiday or not.
I'd never held a baby before dd. We managed fine. She's taking the piss

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 18:50

llamajohn · 17/08/2024 18:48

Why are you letting mil do all the evening sitting?

Mum doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers. She’s made comments to me about how she isn’t a fan of it but when we have offered she feels guilty and she won’t say anything to Dsis. My dad isn’t the best with it either, he’s a bit old fashioned in that he automatically assumes the women will rally around the kids.

OP posts:
ApplesOrangesBananas · 17/08/2024 18:51

So basically they just wanted free childcare?

Whats her side of the story…

Danglers · 17/08/2024 18:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DowngradedToATropicalStorm · 17/08/2024 18:53

If you can't leave the resort, you might as well be at Butlins.

llamajohn · 17/08/2024 18:54

DogsDinner · 17/08/2024 18:45

@MumblesParty

I don’t think it was unreasonable to go sightseeing for the day, but it might have been tactful to be back for dinner.

A big family holiday like this is not really a do entirely what you want deal, especially if you’re not paying!

I wasn’t worried about the Granny babysitting. I’m late fifties, and would much prefer babysitting after dinner than staying up drinking.

But if she was unhappy, why on earth didn’t you all take a turn? It would have been one evening each.

The kids are your nephews/nieces/grandchildren. Surely you would want to spend some time with them? You make them sound like nothing but a nuisance.

Kids dropped on you all day without notice or asking are a fucking nuisance. A toddler and. 5 year old, and then an older semi-independent 9yo?
You have to keep the peace, make sure they've got sunscreen, read to them, make sure they've not drowning in the pool, sort out snacks, make sure they'vre drinking enough, herd them into the canteen, getting the little ones food and making sure they don't go AWOL, checking they're where they're supposed to be, keeping them in shade where needed etc. all while their parents have fucked off and left them for the day.

IDontHateRainbows · 17/08/2024 18:54

Someone had to say it ( that they really just wanted free childcare)

I commend you for being that someone!

StaunchMomma · 17/08/2024 18:55

Why aren't DS's husbands family pitching in with the childcare?

From the sounds of it, this isn't a great holiday at all. It's highly controlled babysitting and lounging about in a hotel.

llamajohn · 17/08/2024 18:55

Id just go out each day and tell them you'll give them the money they paid for the AI for the days you went out...

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 17/08/2024 18:56

StaunchMomma · 17/08/2024 18:55

Why aren't DS's husbands family pitching in with the childcare?

From the sounds of it, this isn't a great holiday at all. It's highly controlled babysitting and lounging about in a hotel.

If you read the OP, it explains why...

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 18:57

The reason we offered to take the 9 year old specifically is because we had included some medieval dungeons on our itinerary (as I said, we wanted to have a bit of a ‘culture’ day) and he has been learning about stuff like that in school and is absolutely fascinated. He’s a bright kid and loves history. I think he’d have bitten our hands off and later on when we got back he was asking questions about what it was like. We would’ve taken him for dinner afterwards too and paid. We had already researched and knew it was age appropriate for the 9 year old. It didn’t occur to us to offer to take the younger children and I think that pissed Dsis off.

OP posts:
lubl · 17/08/2024 18:58

the most I would hope for (not expect) is that relatives might do the odd evening or two of babysitting for us, in this situation. What she's expecting is just cheeky as fuck and well done you for calling her out!

Greytulips · 17/08/2024 18:59

I would honestly have grabbed a few drinks and gone and sat with DM whilst the children were asleep.

It should’ve been fair, each of you taking a turn to sit with the kids.

DP, you, their parents and DB - could all have offered a night or two - or even 2 nights early shift with DPs doing the later shift.

There certainly shouldn’t be an expectation of full childcare!!!

I hope you have found something really interesting to do tomorrow!!

BetterThings · 17/08/2024 19:00

Did you know before the holiday, you were expected to provide childcare?

Your Dsis and her DH are CF. So is your dad for leaving it all to your mum. I cannot believe the honeymooners and other grown ups have left her in every night. Your dad is doubly unreasonable for being mad at you for not helping with the DC and doing feck all himself.

One day and one overnight babysitting would have been more than generous. Your Dsis and her DH decided to get married after having DC. They have DC on holiday and need to look after them

Ohnobackagain · 17/08/2024 19:02

@HitTheLight “dear Sis and BIL, it was very generous of you to fund our holiday, however, had you explained up front how we’re not allowed to leave because Mum and Dad are stuck babysitting all day/evening while you do what you want, we would probably have said no, as might they have”

BeanCountingContinues · 17/08/2024 19:02

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 18:50

Mum doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers. She’s made comments to me about how she isn’t a fan of it but when we have offered she feels guilty and she won’t say anything to Dsis. My dad isn’t the best with it either, he’s a bit old fashioned in that he automatically assumes the women will rally around the kids.

Your DM has 'made comments' to you because she wants you to do the evening babysitting.
Pregnant DSIL can't do it, and the menfolk won't, so that only leaves you. She may put up a show of objection and 'feel guilty' but really she wants you just to insist harder that you will do it and make her go downstairs for an adult dinner.
DSis has no say in this - and I expect she won't even care whether it is you or DM doing the evening babysitting.
For the rest of the holiday work out a rota for the daytimes - there are three couples and your DF and DB will just have to do their share.

Never ever go on holiday with DSis again.

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