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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

438 replies

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 17:48

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

OP posts:
CeruleanBelt · 17/08/2024 19:19

BeanCountingContinues · 17/08/2024 19:12

Unfortunately that is the situation OP finds herself in. Because if all the adults don't step up and take turns, it will fall to Mum which would be totally unfair.

Yes Dsis and BIL are assholes. But DB's girlfriend (I said DSIL before) is pregnant and needs rest, and DF and DB are being useless men.

OP could try and arrange for DF, DM, DB, and DB'GF to sneak out for the day with her, leaving DSIS with her own children, but I doubt Mum would agree to do this. So the only way to rescue her parent's rare and special holiday abroad is to do a rota, so that at least DM and DF have some semblance of a holiday.

OP has to step in now for her Mum's sake, and never ever forgive DSis or forget this.

Then her mother should say no.

anyolddinosaur · 17/08/2024 19:20

Well what an ungrateful lot. No you shouldnt be confined to the hotel but you could have gone after breakfast and joined everyone for dinner. And make the useless men step up and either you all go out for the day or they do some childcare.

How much longer do you have? Surely 7 adults can tell the parents their children need time with them too.

Scorchio84 · 17/08/2024 19:21

Also is there not a kids club?

BeanCountingContinues · 17/08/2024 19:22

CeruleanBelt · 17/08/2024 19:19

Then her mother should say no.

Ideally yes, Mum should stand up for herself. But she won't - she "feels guilty" and is I expect conditioned to always put her offspring before herself.
So OP has to step up here for Mum's sake.
OP has lots of opportunities for other holidays, but this one is special for her parents.

SunshineDucks · 17/08/2024 19:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:23

I adore all of Dsis’s children and regularly see them in the UK so it’s not a case of me finding them a nuisance, I was gutted when sister fobbed off my offer to take DN out. The younger kids wouldn’t have gotten anything out of it.

The toddler is lovely but is in the “mummy mummy mummy” phase and tantrums whenever Dsis hands him to somebody and walks away.

Dsis and her DH made out we’d spend all holiday together and go out together then it just played out completely differently as they bugger off without inviting anyone, even their own kids.

OP posts:
HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:23

Scorchio84 · 17/08/2024 19:21

Also is there not a kids club?

she doesn’t trust kids clubs

OP posts:
HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I found it odd because I regularly take her kids out in the UK. I expect if I’d have offered to take all 3 out she would’ve been fine.

OP posts:
Scorchio84 · 17/08/2024 19:24

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:23

she doesn’t trust kids clubs

Oh god she just gets worse! How bloody convenient

WiddlinDiddlin · 17/08/2024 19:24

Yeah, the error you've made was in not realising that you're just part of the child-care entourage, and this is not actually a holiday for you at all!

This is a childcare solution for their honeymoon, because your Dsis is well aware her feckless husband is useless at parenting his own kids and shes knackered in the process of baking yet another kid he'll struggle to manage. A fact she well knows, so childcare will be a touchy subject for her.

She's cut off her nose to spite her face not letting the older boy go out with you, and again probably knows that and thats making her feel grumpy too.

They are very much the CF's here, not you.

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:25

Her husband also made a ‘joke‘ about how we’d offer to take the easiest kid out and not the others.

OP posts:
CormorantStrikesBack · 17/08/2024 19:27

There’s two cheeky fuckers here and it’s not you, nor your dh, or your dad or your mum.

CormorantStrikesBack · 17/08/2024 19:28

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:25

Her husband also made a ‘joke‘ about how we’d offer to take the easiest kid out and not the others.

I hoped you joked back that at least that’s one more than they’re bothering with.

whereisthelifethatirecognize · 17/08/2024 19:28

Your sister and her husband are CFers who didn't pay for you all to go on holiday, they paid for you to sit in the hotel and babysit their children for them.

I would be getting up daily, early, and going out to see/do things.

Daleksatemyshed · 17/08/2024 19:29

I do find it weird that your Dsis is insisting it's her honeymoon so you're all the free childcare. A honeymoon was that lovely holiday after marriage when you got to know each other better because you'd lived apart, and possibly never had a full sexual relationship before. How can it be a honeymoon when you live together and have 3 kids- all the mystery and romance has probably long gone

paddlinglikecrazy · 17/08/2024 19:29

How long do you have left of the holiday ?
I’d be asking to speak to my DSis alone about this and spelling out to her that you didn’t realise the holiday came with strings attached, that you were all brought along to babysit and wouldn’t be permitted to leave the resort and had you known you could’ve then decided if you wanted to come along ! Sooo cheeky of them.

Aria999 · 17/08/2024 19:31

'DSIS I have been trying to understand why you are upset with me about doing something extra for fun on this holiday and for offering to take DNephew on a trip he would enjoy rather than offering to look after all your kids.

The only thing I can think of is that you were relying on us for childcare and that is why you paid for us to join you here.

I didn't actually realize this was the arrangement and honestly I might not have accepted the offer of a holiday on this basis.

Or I might have done if you had actually asked me - because I like you and want to help - but next time please can we discuss it beforehand?'

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:32

There was no logical reason for her to fob me off from asking DN to come out to see something which I knew he would enjoy. If he’d have said no, then fair enough but she fobbed us off immediately and did it with an attitude too.

no logical reason at all as I regularly babysit her kids or take them on days out.

OP posts:
PeachRose1986 · 17/08/2024 19:34

I think she’s got some nerve to call you cheeky!

Aria999 · 17/08/2024 19:34

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:32

There was no logical reason for her to fob me off from asking DN to come out to see something which I knew he would enjoy. If he’d have said no, then fair enough but she fobbed us off immediately and did it with an attitude too.

no logical reason at all as I regularly babysit her kids or take them on days out.

It's because she wanted you looking after the other kids too

You are basically the paid nanny (paid through the free holiday in her view) shirking off from your job

(She is a CF)

Choochoo21 · 17/08/2024 19:35

If my sister paid for an all inclusive holiday then I’d be doing childcare all day and night.

She should have been more clear about her childcare expectations so that you and her mum weren’t feeling so much resentment but I would have assumed they expected childcare anyway.

If she had an issue with you leaving the hotel then she should have told you that when you told everyone your plans and not waited until after you got back.

You shouldn’t have brought your mum into the argument as now she is involved and that’s not fair.

Speak with your sister 1-1 and apologise but you didn’t realise you exploring the island would be a big deal.

Tell her you think it would be lovely if your mum and dad went out for the day either on their own or with the stater and her DH and you and your DH can look after all of the kids.

HitTheLight · 17/08/2024 19:37

Aria999 · 17/08/2024 19:34

It's because she wanted you looking after the other kids too

You are basically the paid nanny (paid through the free holiday in her view) shirking off from your job

(She is a CF)

Yes. We thought it was a kind offer. Take our nephew out for a trip he’d love, treat him to a dinner without younger siblings and make a fuss of him. It’s not that we have favouritism but the activity was perfect for his age group and the younger kids would’ve found it a bit frightening. We didn’t book it specifically for DN but we had the idea to ask him.

So what was supposed to be a kind offer was interpreted wrong by Dsister and husband. Thinking we were cheeky asking to take the ‘easy’ 9 year old out and not the younger kids.

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 17/08/2024 19:38

A gift shouldn't come with conditions else it isn't a gift. They gifted you a holiday and didn't mention the terms at the time.

Nightjar33 · 17/08/2024 19:38

Shocked that nobody sees your point of view
or maybe they do
think this was the plan that everyone looks after their kids. They should have been honest and allowed you to make the decision if you wanted to go or not.
Hope you mend thinks with the family, good luck 🤞

savethatkitty · 17/08/2024 19:39

If you really want to (start a war) make a point, send her an itemized bill for the childcare you provided.