To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

[HitTheLight]

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

@DogsDinner so you think OP shouldn’t be allowed to leave the resort? Like a prisoner?

Well... sister should have been clear about expectations, but I'd have thought the rest of you could share looking after the kids on a rota basis without too much difficulty, and I do think doing some babysitting would have been predictable given DSis has just got married. There are 3 couples ( all family) other than the bride and groom, I wouldn't have thought this would be a major problem.
In the circumstances, I think everyone needs to be upfront, and as you and DH had a day out, suggest that it's someone else's turn tomorrow. You could even take some or all of the kids somewhere.
As for leaving your Mum babysitting alone in a hotel room every night, that sucks. The rest of you ( including the parents) could do it taking turns in 30 minute bursts.
I think DSis was unreasonable about you eating out, but I think your reaction could have been more light hearted- "sorry sis, you know how stir crazy I get, I needed to get out and about haha, but I do appreciate you paying for the AI. I really recommend you go and see xx, it was great."
You could also say " We've all been chipping in with childcare for you, but we're knackered now and Mum needs some time off and a chance to see this lovely place, so on Monday we're going to take her out for the day and leave you with the kids. "
Don't leave anyone guessing or making assumptions, just be upfront.. and don't let your Mum be a martyr!

I believe they could have married in England without parental permission as they were over 18, so they didn’t need to go to Scotland.

Sounds like the motivation for bringing you all along was for childcare but they ‘forgot’ to tell you. You did nothing wrong. Feel sorry for your mum too, not much of a holiday for her.

Your sister should have been honest with you and left the decision up to you and the rest of your family as to whether you all wanted to help with the children every day while they weren't there .

Your dsis and bil were dishonest when they framed the holiday as a relaxing trip for you all and weren’t upfront about their baby-sitting requirements and the fact they were treating this as a honeymoon.

If they had done that, then your expectations would have been different and you could have formed some sort of rota where everyone had a turn baby-sitting and going out. This situation does seem particularly hard on your mum.

If you are ducking out of dinner in an all inclusive, then it would have been polite to let them know in advance.

And I guess your dsis and bil have paid a large hotel bill overall.

Having said that, for your dsis and bil to leave the resort every day and then criticise you for doing so once, does seem extremely unreasonable indeed!

A more balanced and fair schedule should be instigated for the remainder of the holiday.

Your sister is a controlling crank!

Now, if she’d paid for the whole thing, I’d understand her being disgruntled, but you isid for the flights and she’s USED you all for childcare. She is being unreasonable for that alone. She should have left her dd at home with combined cohort of people to do the childcare instead of dumping on you all abroad.

Your sister is taking the royal piss. I would call her out on it and say you didn't realise you were expected to act as babysitters as this wasn't clear from the outset as the condition for the holiday. Then see what she says.

At the point your sister said "I've paid for you to come on an AI holiday with us" would have been the time I'd have said I've already got something else booked then. Hideous idea to assume everyone wants to go on a joint family holiday.

Why isn't the toddler napping in a buggy like most holiday makers?

So this "gift" of a holiday wasn't actually a gift at all. You are supposed to stay at the hotel all the time and babysitting the children. I feel most sorry for your DM who can't even join you in the evening because she's stuck with all DC. I don't understand why your Dsis is angry though? She had the babysitting covered by your parents and brother so it's not that. Or maybe you were cheeky enough to let DM have your DC one day? Was it the cost of the dinner? Because in that case she hasn't lost anything because you chose to pay for your own dinner.

I think you broke the unwritten rules and considered this as a vacation when clearly it was just about being available 24/7 for your DS and her DC. I would play this very candidly talking to your sister (calmly in front of the others). "We clearly misundrstood because we thought we were all on a holiday together and since you've been out a lot we thought we could have a day out as well since you're not here anyway. I was going to propose to DP to have a day out as well because they have been babysitting a lot especially DM who hasn't been with us for the evenings. Me and DH can take care of the children because I want our DP to relax a bit as well". Just pass the message that you know exactly what's going on and that she's abusing your kindness. If she had been upfront from the start with her expectations it would have been different ; " Can you please come to take care of our DC, we pay the hotel and meals " Instead of "We want to invite you to a holiday with us" things would have been clear. DSIS is out of line and you have every reason to feel miffed.

Your sister and brother in law are beyond pisstakers.

I also think your dads got some front - he's been happy to leave his wife in the room babysitting whilst he drinks with you all!

Tbf actually you could have all relieved your mum - although I don't think you should all do it every night (why can't the kids be down with you?) using your mum doing it alone when none of you offered to help probably wasn't your best argument 😂

the only thing you are being unreasonable for is apologising. this is some weird family dynamic and i wouldn't let other people's expectations of you dictate your holiday.

Reading between the lines …. It was noted that you were a bit “off” at breakfast. Your demeanor was noticed, not viewed positively.

Perhaps it was timing and language used. Might have been more thoughtful to raise the outing at least a day before, and acknowledge the childcare needs and offer a day off to others the next day while you managed more childcare.

Well to be fair to the OP one doesn't assume that coming on a joint holiday is a synonyme to you are hostages at the hotel to take care of our DC... eller hur?:)

Hmmmmmm I think knowing how my own sister might have reacted to this I would not have been "announcing" my plans but been a bit more diplomatic. The trip wasn't suitable for a toddler presumably so offering for anyone to come sounds like a pointless offer. I also see her point about wasting money. I would have asked her if she minded as your host to avoid this sort of bad atmosphere.
Totally agree she has been a CF with the childcare though. And a different kind of sister wouldn't have minded.

@Trox

that sums it up pretty well!

when I was younger I used to go with families on holiday. But it was an agreed 'deal'. They paid for transport & accommodation.meals & id get x number of days/nights 'off'.

I could do what I wanted. Run my own schedule with the kids & had various budgets to do stuff with the kids (from 0 to generous!)

I've also been on holiday with friends with kids & happily had them for some of the time, but this RUDE sister could GTF, pretending she's 'shouting them a holiday' then expecting childminding every day & evening, even more so when they've had to pay their own flights and it wasn't discussed BEFORE the trip!!

I think you shouldn't have dragged your mum into it, but aside from that, you've done nothing wrong.

They're not the OPs children though, it's not her responsibility to sort out the childcare it's the children's parents.

There's only one CF in this scenario and it isn't you

I hate these huge gestures of kindness and goodwill that come with totally unreasonable conditions attached

How long are you away for? ground rules need setting up for the time remaining so your DM gets a break too, and they've had 5 days child free so it's time they spent a bit of time dealing with their own kids now. They've basically scammed you all into going if this wasn't discussed before you left. Perfectly reasonable for you to leave the hotel and see the sights - why are they allowed to and you're not?

Your DSIS was obviously being U getting cross with you for exploring the island.

However you were U by retaliating about your DM being forced to babysit. I agree with the PP who's said there are 6 extra adults plus them to care for 3 DC - why on earth haven't you taken it in turns if they can't stay up later with you in the evenings?

I think DSIS has been a bit U expecting that she can go off exploring every day leaving the kids without actually asking, but you should have said something before it annoyed you and sorted out a plan so everyone got to do some of what they wanted rather than wait for it to get to this point.

How long do you have left? I don't think the idea of you all being there and doing some childcare so they could have a honeymoon was so terrible. They just should have been a bit more upfront about their expectations and so should you.

Along the lines of - you and DH look after the kids in the morning, your brother and his gf in the afternoon and your parents on the evening shift. And switch it up each day, including the newlyweds.

Not only is your DSis a bit of a CF but also rather controlling. She thinks it's fine for her and her DH to go out for the day but you're all supposed to be there in the evening to have dinner with them. If there's still an atmosphere I'd point out that when you were offered a holiday there was nothing said about being the childcare or that you had to eat together every day. Learn a lesson from this Op, your Dsis likes her own way a bit too much, in future if she invites you anywhere find out exactly why.