To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

[HitTheLight]

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

YANBU

Your sister is the CF here.

@HitTheLight I’d be doing less childcare for them when you get home too - they’re taking it way too much for granted.

Going out all day without their toddler is pretty unfair on the toddler. That's a long time to be away from such a young child in a new unfamiliar location. No wonder the toddler wants her Mummy all the time. It's also not fair to expect anyone else to look after her children at all.
Remember that the holiday cost was in lieu of having a wedding which would have cost a lot. You paid for your own flights. It was also compensation for you all not being present when they got married. They probably felt a bit bad about that. You have given up your time to be there doing what they want. Just because they have paid, it doesn't mean that they all own you!

I wouldn't recommend having a drink near the rooms on holiday Remember Madeline Mccann who was kidnapped whilst her parents did this.In the UK this is child neglect.

THIS

Oh for heavens sake, no it isn’t child neglect in the UK or anywhere. Madeleine McCann was a rare and tragic case - kids very very occasionally get snatched from home or on the way to school or whatever, you can’t run your life around such a remote possibility.

I can't believe people are suggesting its OK to leave kids alone at night to go drinking! Yes, not likely to get kidnapped. But 100s of other things can happen, just them waking up upset or ill or scared is enough.

It’s not a prison fgs

God, these are CF's, aren't they?

So, they make out that they're doing this wonderful thing, inviting you all on a "free" AI holiday, but you have to pay for your flights and leaving you all thinking what a wonderful gift you've been given.

Only to get there and realise that far from the holiday you'd been promised-you've all been brought along as childcare so they can swan off and dump their kids on because...well, it's their "honeymoon" don't you know?

I think after 10 years and 3 kids, you can drop the preciousness about honeymoons for a bit.

Essentially, it sounds like they knew they couldn't get away with swanning off on a holiday by themselves and dumping their kids on someone-so, instead, they conjured up the next best trick-dupe you all into thinking you're nabbing a free holiday and then land you with the childcare.

And the best part (from their end) is that their "kindness" (re: cheek) makes everyone feel unable to say no and obligated to provide childcare at all times. Clearly, your Sis feels that she owns you because she paid for the holiday (bar flights) and thus, should be able to dictate what you do, where you do it and when on this time away.

If she'd have been upfront when offering the "holiday" and said that they need childcare whilst going abroad-and you all agreed before accepting the holiday-that would be one thing. Entirely another thing to land you with it after the fact.

And utterly ridiculous that the men are being let off the hook. And for the "useless men" comments-I'm so tired of that. We allow men to play the "oh, I'm useless at this" card so they continue to play it. No, your DF and DB need to step up and help your DM so she gets a break.

Or, ideally, the actual parents (who are solely responsible for these kids) actually whack their heads out of their arses and actually come back to parent their actual children instead of dumping them on everyone else. I hate parents like this-who think their children are everyone else's responsibility to sort and not theirs.

Agree with most posters - YANBU.

I was invited to spend a few days with a friend and his wife and kids in an Airbnb they were staying in another city. They don’t have family over here so I honestly thought a big reason i was coming along to babysit as I assumed they’d want a break.

In the end they didn’t leave me with the children once although I wouldn’t have minded if they did and have told them next time I’m happy to look after the kids so they can go out for dinner or something!

Also the mother is kind of enabling the sisters behaviour by the sounds of it by not backing OP and letting her husband get away with not helping.

So I don’t think OP should need to back down for the sake of giving her mum
a break, considering she’s part of the problem. Maybe this experience will open her eyes a bit.

I think it's dreadful when people use money and gifts as a way of trying to control people. It is no wonder you feel upset OP. I hope you enjoy the rest of your time on holiday with absolutely no guilt in the process.

I wouldn’t be doing any further babysitting once I got home if I were you.

This

OP, I hope you are on your way out with your husband and kids for a nice beach day. Breakfast out of the hotel, phones off, nice long relaxed day with zero interruptions from the outside world. Back to the hotel for a siesta then out again for dinner with the family.

They are being CFs of the highest order, and offensive with their expectations that you are only there for childcare (and only in a way that they approve of) to boot.

Why can't the kids go with their parents?

There is no legal age to leave a child alone however should something happen to them you could be prosecuted for neglect. Children do become unwell, they do get out of bed and do silly things, they could come looking for you, buildings do catch fire etc. it's not just about a child being snatched.

My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day.

Sorry but that's hilarious!

What has it got to do with him?

Maybe he could have helped with his GC for a change?

Is your sister the favourite?

Possibly none of you noticed how much free babysitting you were doing at home and the dsis has totally taken it for granted and thought it would a treat just to be doing it in a nicer setting .

Surely, if you have children before you get married, you must realise that you are not going to be able to have a “bog standard” honeymoon, where you can just devote 24/7 to each other?

Once you have children, holidays have to be worked around them. A pity the bride and groom didn’t understand that,🙄

It's confusing to me how 8 adults are struggling so much to mind 3 kids. Of course you should have a day out, and DSis should ask rather than assume about babysitting... but giving the newly weds 6 hours or so of babysitting each day between 6 of you doesn't sound tricky either; any of the other 3 couples could surely handle all 3 for a day each. You've had your day out, so next day send mum and dad, then your brother and his partner. Loads of people left to stop the kids from drowning. I think everyone has just got a bit silly and you all need a sober conversation to reset expectations.

And if they wanted fair enough but they should’ve just asked their family to look after their kids at home then flew off themselves.

I know plenty of couples who go on holidays without the kids if they want a couples holidays which is clearly what this pair want!

If the couple expected babysitting on tap, this ought to have been made clear in advance and they should've paid for your flights too.

Yes. Except everyone go out and leave DC with own parents, who have had 5 whole free days to explore a lovely island. Now it's everyone else's turn.
DSis should be have been upfront. Many years ago BiL and DW asked my DD to accompany them on holiday, with clear expectation that she be a companion to her DCoz (younger) who she gets on well with. Everyone knew the score and basically it was playing in the pool with DCoz, everything else was equally done e.g. DD did all the trips etc with DU and DA. BiL paid for flight, too, and it was a hol in a private villa with own pool.

They are not having a 4th child. DB and his DP are expecting a baby, not the newlyweds.

Any improvement today @HitTheLight ? Families are weird, aren’t they?!