To not spend the whole week in the All-Inclusive that my sister paid for? She called me a CF

[HitTheLight]

I’ve ruffled a few feathers in the family but I personally don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong. My sister eloped with her lovely DH in March, they’ve been together over a decade and have 3 children already so they didn’t see the point in a big white wedding. They invited us all to lunch the day after to tell us the news then surprised us saying they wanted to take us all on holiday to a lovely all-inclusive. Invited on the holiday (other than them and their DC, obviously) was me, my DP, our brother and his girlfriend, and my parents. Her DH is Australian and his family are over there hence why his side of the family weren’t included.

They were very generous. We were only expected to pay for flights but that was fine given it’s a destination covered by dirt
cheap RyanAir flights. My parents have always been quite poor so the idea of a holiday abroad was a real novelty for them. We were all incredibly grateful, lots of hugs and tears over the dinner table.

We’re on the holiday now, 5 days in and it has been quite stressful. Sister and her DH have left the resort every day together so far for “couple time” leaving us with the DC for 6+ plus. They said it’s a wedding celebration combined with their honeymoon hence why they want time alone during the day but to then come and drink with us on the evenings (though my poor DM is usually stuck in the hotel room with sleeping children). One child is a toddler so it’s been hard work. My parents, me and my brother have been splitting childcare mostly. Nobody feels as though they can say anything because Dsis and her DH paid for the holiday.

Me and my DP have been getting a bit bored, and yesterday at breakfast we announced we were going out for the day. We’re on a gorgeous island in the Mediterranean with so much history and culture and we wanted to explore. We announced we were going to look at some buildings and then eat out for the evening and that we’d see everyone later. Nothing was said. We said anyone was welcome to come but nobody fancied where we were going.

When we got back we headed to our usual spot where we tend to congregate for evening drinks. We noticed a vibe from everyone so I asked what was up. Dsis then said she found it “fucking cheeky” for us to leave the resort for dinner when she has already “paid for all of your meals” and that she felt I was ungrateful. My dad said me and DH seemed off at breakfast and he also felt it was a bit cheeky of us to announce we wanted to get out of the hotel for the day. I tried to apologise and state that it’s been lovely and we adore the hotel but that we just want to see the island, but a few drinks had been had and it got heated (I did end up feeling quite hurt so made a comment about how they have used mum for childcare, which didn’t go down well) so everyone went to bed. I tried to reconcile at breakfast this morning but there was still a lot of tension, so we’ve mainly been in our rooms.

Were we cheeky?

Your family all sound faintly ridiculous op. Make a vow not to do anything like it again!

This is unbelievable CFery on the newlyweds' part!

I feel so sorry for your mum. She would have been better off if she'd had the 3 kids back home in the UK while your sis and her h went abroad, at least she'd be able to please herself more in her own home.

I also feel sorry for the kids, who are being fought over for who gets to NOT look after them in this way.

I don't think you've done anything wrong in calling a spade a spade here!

Can you take your mum out for cocktails and tell everyone else to fuck right off?

I’d pull back on the babysitting at home a bit.

Why are they having a 4th child if they can’t seem to manage the three they already have?! You even offered to help with one and they say no out of spite. Your mum needs to also say she needs a break. You can’t expect people to babysit every day on holiday for you! When my parents have come we’ve maybe asked for a couple of hours or something!

Your sister is being pretty horrible! Yanbu. Just because they paid for the holiday ( which is a very generous and lovely gesture) doesn’t mean they get to dictate that you stay in the resort like you are their prisoner/childcare? even paid holiday Nannies get to leave and have “off duty” time. She’s taking advantage of all of you.
if it was truly a gift she should be happy for all of you to go out and enjoy the island.
when I read your post title I assumed you meant you left the paid for holiday early ( ie went back home) . That would be cf as you would be wasting someone else’s money, but in this case she is very much the CF

Can you call them on it and just say there seems to have been a misunderstanding. That you thought it was a family holiday, where normal family holiday stuff occurs - but were they actually intending for you all to look after the kids? That if that had been the case, you would have liked that discussion to happen before you accepted to join them?

No.

Not explaining she wants constant daytime childcare is cheeky. It doesn’t matter if she paid for you to come, she needed to explain the terms.

If you want to be generous, suggest to your mum and dad they take a day out and you two take the childcare.

Or if they won’t and everyone is huffy, then crack on with some more excursions

All you can do is chalk it up to experience

The reason your DSis and her DH are unreasonably and irrationally annoyed with you is because they’ve deluded themselves that paying to trap you in a hotel in a Mediterranean country is good enough for what they’re expecting from you and your family. You and your DP going out for the day threatens to shatter that illusion and make them confront the reality that they’ve actually been deceptive and controlling, and quite unkind and inconsiderate actually. Even to their own kids. Everyone would have been happier if they left the 3 kids in the UK with their doting grandparents and aunt and uncle, even the kids. How confusing for the toddler to have mummy and daddy be there every morning and disappear. Toddler would have forgotten about them completely if not on holiday nd doing days out with granny and auntie.

When people have these delusions of themselves they act aggressively towards any one who brings them that reality. They probably had your behaviour on their mind all day and couldn’t forget about their kids, or feel smug and pat themselves on the back about bringing their impoverished parents or in-laws on such a nice holiday. So you really have ruined their day!

If they’re not usually like this, they’ve probably really mistook how this would all play out. They would have used the money completely differently.

Theres not much you can do, don’t rise or act on your feelings of hurt. Keep planning days out and offering to take the kids. You should try to give your family and their kids a lovely time. Did they even bring anything child holiday friendly like a travel buggy or a car seat? Just organise it and get out and about. You won’t escape their ire so don’t bother trying to minimise yourself to avoid it.

… it also sounds to me that they are used to taking advantage of you and your mother, so I’d pull back on the babysitting at home.

It sounds like you and your DH like to get out and experience things, while your family just like to sit by the pool, the men leaving the women to do the work.. I would give yourself some space from the lot of them, it all sounds very dull and dated, though I feel sorry for your mum.

She should have been honest with you from the start …. BUT it is way cheaper for her to hire a nanny for week to come with them on holiday and look after the kids than invite you all and hear you complain and snap at her.

I would definitely help my sister out with her kids if I were in your place as it’s a one off and it’s a very special occasion- but that’s me.

Actually it depends on how expensive the resort is- holiday Nannies can cost a lot, people ask for the standard hourly rate plus 100 for overnight and all costs and sometimes more than the standard hourly rate because they are away ( and 20/hr on weekends)
and it’s easier to have your kids with people you already know than to have to find a new nanny you don’t know. Also Nannies charge more when you have 3 kids ( or you might need 2 Nannies, not just one)

Are you the sister?

Your sister and husbands are some CF's.
What a horrible way to trick your family.
Your poor parents.
I would be so pissed off to have used annual leave to be free childcare for someone.
Your partner has every right to be pissed off.
I would be a lot less generous going forward and I would be firmly putting her in her place.
She basically lied to you all for free childcare.
I would rather stay at home than do childcare for someone in this situation.
She clearly believes she owns the lot of ye.
Shabby was to treat anyone, not least their own children.

Why can't the rest of you go out and explore with the kids when the CF couple do their disappearing act ?

So your sister and her husband are allowed to leave the compound every day but the rest of you are under house arrest? You are definitely NBU!

Free holidays always come at a high price, I have come to realise.

This would have been the perfect time to say “How about you look after your own kids tomorrow so mum and dad can go out or get a break?”.

They have been duplicitous to invite you making out that you would all enjoy being together and that they wanted to treat you, when actually they want you beholden to them and babysitting their kids every day. Not nice at all.

Bonus points for "free" holidays where flights, airport parking etc cost a fortune but you still have to be nice about everything that misses you off.

Wow this is one of the most CF things I've read and I don't mean you @HitTheLight

Imagine not telling you all in advance than this was the plan, and just letting you all look forward to a nice holiday, without knowing you'd all be the childcare!

Your sister and her husband are the joke. This isn’t a holiday for you guys, you’re all just childcare for them.

Her reaction is insane.

That’s unbelievable CFery on the part of your Sister and BIL. Expecting the rest of the family
to do all the childcare.

And when your break it down, they’re really expecting your Mum and you (and possibly your DH to do it all - what with the Dad who is “traditional“, even at the expense of his own wife getting a holiday, the SIL with exhaustion (understandable) and the Brother who can only take the kids “ in small doses”.

Your sister and BIL should really have explained them selves at the start. No one should be sulking with you!

This^

Your DSis and her DH are CF and taking the piss. Of what they wanted was babysitters then they should have made that clear BEFORE you accepted the holiday, as you didn’t know there were strings attached. However, with your update that you look after her kids a lot at home, clearly they are entitled CF there too and just expect to all to fall in line.

You all not to all

Why the children are not ops responsibility.Also why cannot the children go out with the family to eat in the evenings like most kids do .The toddler can sleep in a pushchair.

as a former people pleaser, I would have tolerated such a situation, just to keep the peace.

you have my full sympathy

Well I'm an old grump but I'd be getting up early and going out every day before they had the chance to drop the kids off with me - ideally taking mum with me but I'm sure she'd refuse to come, being too afraid to upset sister. So in that case I'd try and get an earlier flight home.

This is not a free holiday - some costs are covered but you've had to cover some yourself. You're not getting to do the things you want to do. You're being stuck with childcare you didn't discuss or agree to. For me the big insult would be the waste of my precious annual leave. I wouldn't be doing any babysitting after getting home either - happy to see the children at family events but no more favours. If sister fell out with me, frankly that's no loss, she's shown her true colours and really you must have had some awareness of this before? People don't suddenly change usually.