To tell DD she can't do it anymore?

[whatawickedgame]

I genuinely don't know what to do about this, I feel terrible for even considering it.

DD (8) is a very good dancer and was invited onto her dance companies competitive team. She was thrilled and I was thrilled for her, she tries her very best. She is a competitive person by nature so she really likes doing it. She has classes 4 days a week. However, some of the classes start at 3:45pm (twice a week) and it's occurred to me that now I'm considering going back to work since DC has started school, I can't find a job that is flexible enough for my schedule for DD, even part time ones. I live in a relatively small town and jobs are really hard to get here, particularly part time ones. DD is theoretically tied into this team and these classes until she's 17. The classes don't get later as she gets older. She's only been doing all of these classes for a few weeks before the summer (and currently on break for the summer holidays) and loves it and I feel terrible for considering taking her out of it since I said she can do it, but I don't know how feasible it is for me to continue making this commitment. I cannot find a job that finishes before 5pm, which right now isn't an issue as I don't need to work this second, but eventually I do want to get back to work and I don't know how I'll be able to do both. There is another dance class in the area that we can get to, but it's one class a week and no competitions which is what DD is really excited for. DD doesn't do other clubs, it's just her dance but I don't know if it's feasible. Does anyone else have this kind of schedule and how do you make it work if you do? AIBU to think that it's maybe not feasible? I genuinely feel terrible

OP there's been lots of helpful suggestions here. If your daughter really is commited to it and wants to do it then I'm sure you can find a way.

My 6YO goes dancing and I'm already realising that it's not an especially nice environment at times. Cliquey, kids being treated less affectionately and being cast aside after being told they can have a special part in a dance etc in favour of a more liked student for no good reasons. The reality is though that if you want to do this professionally then you do have to put a lot of hours in and toughen up to a very cutthroat environment.

You also have to learn from a young age that literally nothing else matters to the teachers than how well you can dance and perform. It's their job to help you dance and perform to a professional level if that's what you're striving for. It's a parent's job to ensure that you're staying kind, well grounded and happy. It can be a tough call to make but it's ultimately your job to help your child figure out what she wants. It totally depends on the child. I've already realised that my dd probably isn't cut out for competitive/professional dancing but will support her in whatever she wants. You've got to make that call for your dd but I'd make it based on what's right for her not a practical blip. Where there's a will there's a way.

Would you consider working in a school as a Teaching Assistant@whatawickedgame ? Then you could finish early and also have the school holidays free.

Though I do feel that if this doesn’t appeal, your husband should do it on the days you can’t. In your shoes I would be looking for a part time not full time job so you will be able to cope with still doing the majority of the childcare.

My daughter was heavily into gymnastics, she became good enough to join a team. The requirements were 4-5 days training, with competitions over some weekends. My husband and I felt that it was very restrictive, to us as a family. So we turned it down, after a few years she no longer wanted to go to these lessons. I wouldn't let this rule your lives, because it's just a hobby. Look for something that runs over the weekend, instead of being in a competitive team.

What about DDs father? Is he on the scene? Extended family?

I think it’s ridiculous to limit working because of a child’s hobby. There are loads of ways around this.

Well… this is a phenomenon which seems contained within mumsnet. Never in real life have I ever met a woman afraid to get in a taxi. Just like not answering the door, not going for walk through woodland. So I’ll stick with a real world approach rather than the mumsnet trope approach.

What about the commitment to travelling to weekend competitions that people have mentioned, which is likely to become greater in time and expense?
Op can do that

OP has at least one other child. It will impact the whole family if she and dd are spending multiple Saturdays attending dance competitions.

It doesn’t matter what he said or what you promised. He is being a shitty parent. Sit down and talk to him. This would be marriage ending for me. A parent who will only parent as long as it’s convenient is a shitty parent.

So a father's role is solely to put up the money and the time on demand; he is not to be permitted any say in how they are spent?

What happens if op's other child/ren want to take up something equally money and time consuming?

I think all the films/tv shows/books where parent attending child's play/football match/sports day is used as a symbol for how much they care about their child have a lot to answer for... (See eg despicable me, the A word) Back in the real world the vast majority of us muddle along juggling work/siblings and kids are fine if they can't do everything or a parent misses some things as long as overall parents are interested and engaged.

How competitive is this really? In our town we have multiple dance schools and many seem to run these competitive squads and ultimately they just seem like they are making the children a cash cow. They 'select' people who are willing to pay.

How many dancers are going onto the royal colleges after being in this squad? How many are going off to the best dance schools or getting spots in London musicals? If it's under 5 then you're being taken for a mug here.

And if they run out of bread, they can always switch to brioche (c).

Would I do this? No way. You have more than one child. Lovely your child enjoys dancing, but dragging your other child along 4 days a week, walking around shops etc might be okay april-september, but feel very sorry for your othee child in the winter months. These "teams" are created for financial reasons. Your child doing 4 days a week means you pay more.

Who can finish school early enough to get to the daughter s school at 3? Not impossible but not super easy.

It sounds like you have made some bad decisions with all the right intentions unfortunately. You should have thought about what this commitment would entail and how it would impact you going back to work. However, that's by the by as it's done now and you clearly have the right intentions. It you need to work you will have to choose to keep searching and waiting for the right job, take her out and work and just that be that. Although you don't want to do that there is the positive that she will learn that not everything happens as she wants. Or don't work..sorry I don't have any other solutions apart from maybe taking a late lunch break to drop off and DH can pick up.

I'm really sorry you're having this situation - I know how hard it is to juggle everything.

When I had this problem, I was able to pay a childminder to walk my daughter to her lessons twice a week.

My friend had a similar problem and she paid a local teenager (a reliable A level student who wanted a bit of extra cash) to collect her child and walk her to class 3 times a week.

Hope you find a solution.

most alevel students are on a timetable that finishes early several days a week.

my daughter finishes at 1pm twice a week and only goes in for 10-11 on another day.

Make friends with the other mums of kids in the class and see if you can come to a lift sharing arrangement

You poor thing, this must feel a rotten decision to have to make.

Are there any other children at your DDs school that do the same class? Our has a FB and Insta page, and a group WhatsApp, so could you share your dilemma and see if anyone could take DD when they take their child, and you could reciprocate on a different day?

I understand that your DH feels that it's too much for the family, but given how much your DD loves it, would he be more open to it, even if he just did one day per week?

Do you have to make the decision now? If you don't have a job lined up ready to go, I'd be tempted to just kick the can further down the road and carry on as you are for now - during that time, DD will make more friends and you can get more friendly with their parents too, which may solve the problem when it arises. Apply for jobs and see if there's any flexibility once you've been offered a role, such as working one much longer day and one much shorter to ensure you can fetch and carry the kids on that day?

If it helps, I have full-time work, two dancing DDs and had a very active footballing DS and there have been countless times it's felt that their commitments have taken over. BUT, to see them perform, to see their confidence and ability grow, for them to form friendships outside of school (critical, in my opinion, as school-relationships as a teenage girl can be intense and all-consuming), and establish resilience and determination alongside their love of an activity - especially one that moves their body and relaxes their minds, and gives off endorphins - is worth the hectic schedule and the cost.

You aren't stuck to your area to find work though. Can you look for a wfh job with some flexibility built in around school pick up time? That's what I've always done.

One more thing - be careful with paying someone to take DD to her class... if it's a teenager or student, this means if they drive, they'll need to have business insurance which they probably won't have.

Omg. Who would care. If they get in an accident then they just say they were taking their parent’s friend’s child to a club. Literally no insurance company is looking into that. I don’t know why babysitter who has business insurance on their car and no one is going to shop them to the insurance company for it. Literally no one cares and an insurance company ain’t going to ask.
You get in an accident… what was the reason for the journey? Oh, I was dropping a friend’s kid at a club. No further questions.

Woah OK. Just thought it was worth mentioning...

@whatawickedgame she will grow out of the current outfit and shoes so why not review then? She may get fed up with it. I think you should be open about things maybe needing to change when you go back to work. By then DH may see it’s not a phase and you may be able to work something out. I’d see how it goes.

Is it difficult to get to? If you do not need to work straight away, perhaps you can manage until she is 10 and then she is old enough to go on her own, if its not too difficult. My dc started using the bus on their own age 10 and 11 for short distances.

Sorry but I think this timetable is too restrictive for the family. A few other posters have said this but I don't think it's a good idea to continue with such an intensive activity. There are other family members to think about, not least yourself, OP!

These lessons impact the whole family.

The current situation seems absolute madness even if the OP were in a position to continue with the current arrangements. The OP has at least one other child and dragging this child out four times per week and hanging around shops etc. while waiting for the lesson to end is far from ideal and unfair on the other child. Travelling to competitions at the weekend will also impact on family life and will be a particular challenge for OP when she doesn't even drive.

Ask how the other working parents do to manage the time of this dance class?

Ask the dance school why it has one of its 'elite' classes at a time which prohibits working parents from dropping their DC off?
Seems ridiculous to hold the 'competitive squad' at a time which is most disruptive to people's lives, particularly as there will be extra cost involved.