To tell DD she can't do it anymore?

[whatawickedgame]

I genuinely don't know what to do about this, I feel terrible for even considering it.

DD (8) is a very good dancer and was invited onto her dance companies competitive team. She was thrilled and I was thrilled for her, she tries her very best. She is a competitive person by nature so she really likes doing it. She has classes 4 days a week. However, some of the classes start at 3:45pm (twice a week) and it's occurred to me that now I'm considering going back to work since DC has started school, I can't find a job that is flexible enough for my schedule for DD, even part time ones. I live in a relatively small town and jobs are really hard to get here, particularly part time ones. DD is theoretically tied into this team and these classes until she's 17. The classes don't get later as she gets older. She's only been doing all of these classes for a few weeks before the summer (and currently on break for the summer holidays) and loves it and I feel terrible for considering taking her out of it since I said she can do it, but I don't know how feasible it is for me to continue making this commitment. I cannot find a job that finishes before 5pm, which right now isn't an issue as I don't need to work this second, but eventually I do want to get back to work and I don't know how I'll be able to do both. There is another dance class in the area that we can get to, but it's one class a week and no competitions which is what DD is really excited for. DD doesn't do other clubs, it's just her dance but I don't know if it's feasible. Does anyone else have this kind of schedule and how do you make it work if you do? AIBU to think that it's maybe not feasible? I genuinely feel terrible

Unfortunately not true. I don't want to say where we live as it could be outing but it's quite a run-down area that you would not be comfortable with a 9 year old walking about in on their own. We have a happy life and I'm not being rude about where we are but it's just the facts.

I agree with this. My dd started a competitive sport when she was that age and I prioritised getting her to training even though it meant great inconvenience to me. I don’t regret it at all.

Meh. I do a very different job now to the one I originally trained in 30 years ago. Being flexible is an important life skill and work life balance is vital.

I have a similar situation this year, and have found a friend of a friend on a gap year who is willing to take my daughter to dance for me. I pay her an hourly rate which works out almost the same as having my two in school wraparound. I haven't quite thought about how I will deal with it when she is no longer available, but I'm sure I'll find something.

You could get a regular contract with a willing taxi driver and get them to take her. When I was a TA I knew a few children, whose parents couldn't get to school, get a taxi home with the same driver each day. You could arrange something like that?

I like the idea of an older girl from the squad escorting her too, though.

I’d be looking into getting a nanny, there are plenty of after school-only round here. Nanny who can drive and feed them too. Much more fun and interesting than after school club too. Then neither you nor DH would need to do any ferrying probably. I looked into it but only work 2 days a week so wasn’t really feasible but if you’re working all week etc then probably great value. Takes so many logistics out of your brains.

Sounds like a perfect job for one of the 16/17 year olds who go to dance, or even someone at college/sixth form who's interested in a career in childcare or teaching. All they'd need to do (presumably) is walk her there or take her on the bus.
Or see if another parent could do a pick-up/drop off (obviously for a fee).

I was going to say this. I had a similar scenario when my DD was the same age: I ended up managing to share with another mum, but this was my option B.

No need to be a martyr either. This commitment is a huge obligation impacting every other member of the family. The other kids would need to mooch around the shops every day waiting for the dd, dh has to blockout every single afternoon and mooch around with the other kids, and this will slowly creep into weekends as well. Oh and bugger off if the other dc are ill/ have something on at school, that adds a whole other level of faffing and running around.

I don't believe in every other family member having to be unfairly impacted so that one gets to do what they want. That's some martyrdom right there. This is a 4x a week commitment. If it was once or even 2x at a push then I would say the others can possibly make it work but this is something else. You could delay getting a job to see how this works out, but then that would be foolish.

If the dance school thinks the child is that great, then they can help come up with some solutions surely?

No, it's only 2 days that the classes are an issue. I thought it was 4 as well but if you read the op again it's 2 classes at 3.45 that are the reason her dd has to stop going. Op could still do the other parts of the commitment.

• find a part time job that ends at 3 for the 3y of primary, after that she can co on her own and you can move to ft
• find a wfh job where hou can take a late lunch break from 3 to 4pm
• find an adult you can trust and who would be interested in earning some money to do the 3-4pm slot (neighbour, sahm from school parents, family, friend… )

It is only for 3y until she can go on her own, you can make it work!

@smallchange but even if it's 3:45, that doesn't seem much different from 3pm. Work wise it seems like either time would be restrictive for op.

I imagine that it would be a struggle to get from sixth form to the school in time to collect her though especially if the high school finishes at 3:30 and primary school at 3

No, op can't do it and work on those days but it's less of an impossible task to find another person who could help out. I dunno, maybe the person who's having to be at the school at 3pm anyway.

Anyway if op says it's impossible then it's impossible. Her dd will get over it but I think it would be a shame to pull her out now when there isn't even a job on the horizon.

My dd’s life was dancing and competing, and she would have been devastated if she couldn’t.
She had a similar schedule to yours, plus competing on weekends. It opened up many opportunities for her including a fully paid university degree.

It will only be a few years until your dd is in secondary school and she will be able to travel there by herself and you collect her. All of the dance schools my dd attended had the secondary school age classes later because children of that age have school commitments. Plus we did have to move dance schools/competition teams, this was due to personality clashes within the team, but the new team had more convenient class times.

you might be able to find someone who can collect her from school and take her to the class, ask on local fb pages or childcare.co.uk.

my dd is now in performing arts college and it is still her life. Over the years a lot of the girls have out grown it and left, I don’t regret all of the times I went out of my way to facilitate her dance, but I think I might if she had chosen to stop.

Working to bring in an income to house/feed/clothe her etc is also important.

It doesn’t matter what he said or what you promised. He is being a shitty parent. Sit down and talk to him. This would be marriage ending for me. A parent who will only parent as long as it’s convenient is a shitty parent.

It’s one thing if it’s unaffordable; it’s another to stop because he doesn’t want to do the drop off once or twice a week.

You make it sounds easy but I don’t think that the case.

She’s only 8, between school and such a full on dance schedule, when does she get to just be a kid?

It is during his work hours. We have no idea what job he does but you can’t just regularly take time out during your working hours and presumably his job is pretty important for the family. That does not make him a shitty husband/father.
presumably it’s only affordable due to the money he brings in from his job

I’d be very hesitant to put DD8 in a cab with just a stranger

No, that's not what she said. She said he would finish work early in order to do the school pick up. He'll then be looking after two children, not working.

But I don't think it's fair to call him names - I don't think op has even asked him.

Get a part-time job, mornings or one of the 10-2 ones aimed at parents of younger children. 4 days a week is a lot but if you were happy with that, it seems cruel to stop DD doing it now.

My dd is also 8 and a competitive dancer since she was 5. Twice a week classes start at 4pm which is a bit of a nightmare, there is no way I can get her there. One day a week my mum does it, dh does the other, but goes back to work once he’s dropped her off. Near comps extra classes are added and in-laws help, my mum does extra and I share drop off/pick ups with other mums. It can be quite stressful, but dd loves it. I asked the teacher for her private slot to be 6-7 on one of the days so that I’m home to help.

The OP didn’t say his work hours prohibited it. If that were the issue then that’s what she would have said, because then it’s not an option and simply impossible. She said he won’t do it because he doesn’t want to. I’ll base my replies on what the OP actually says.