To tell DD she can't do it anymore?

[whatawickedgame]

I genuinely don't know what to do about this, I feel terrible for even considering it.

DD (8) is a very good dancer and was invited onto her dance companies competitive team. She was thrilled and I was thrilled for her, she tries her very best. She is a competitive person by nature so she really likes doing it. She has classes 4 days a week. However, some of the classes start at 3:45pm (twice a week) and it's occurred to me that now I'm considering going back to work since DC has started school, I can't find a job that is flexible enough for my schedule for DD, even part time ones. I live in a relatively small town and jobs are really hard to get here, particularly part time ones. DD is theoretically tied into this team and these classes until she's 17. The classes don't get later as she gets older. She's only been doing all of these classes for a few weeks before the summer (and currently on break for the summer holidays) and loves it and I feel terrible for considering taking her out of it since I said she can do it, but I don't know how feasible it is for me to continue making this commitment. I cannot find a job that finishes before 5pm, which right now isn't an issue as I don't need to work this second, but eventually I do want to get back to work and I don't know how I'll be able to do both. There is another dance class in the area that we can get to, but it's one class a week and no competitions which is what DD is really excited for. DD doesn't do other clubs, it's just her dance but I don't know if it's feasible. Does anyone else have this kind of schedule and how do you make it work if you do? AIBU to think that it's maybe not feasible? I genuinely feel terrible

Look at KoruKids @whatawickedgame you can have a look at what Nannie’s are available in your area. Its a reasonable price and you can use tax free childcare with it to reduce the cost.

I completely agree.

@whatawickedgame Please be very careful. You say your DD is potentially doing this until she's17. What will she get out of it? What sort of competitions will she be doing? Who will she be competing against? How much will the competitions cost you? If you haven't asked at least those questions, please do.

If your DD is serious about dance and has the talent, then I'd be inclined to look at this class as a stepping stone rather than a long-term plan. If she wants a career in the field, then she needs to be looking at the organisations that feed in to it, rather than staying with a local class that doesn't have a track record of getting people into career pathways.

Are the teachers at this class prepared to put in effort and encourage students to progress, including on to other dance classes and organisations?

What does he think he 'signed up for', when he had a child? You've done it all up until now, and he's able to do it when you go back to work - sorted!

OP, it's great your daughter is involved in dance. 4 days a week might sound a lot at 8 but you'll be grateful when she's a tween / teen and her pairs are "hanging" after school and not employing their time productively.

If you work, you could hopefully afford to find someone to take her.

@Bumblebeestiltskin OP has made it clear in her other posts that he is a DSF not a DF, also is currently the only one working outside the home and also made it clear before the DD started this activity that he wasn't going to facilitate her attending it because it was inconvenient and frequent.

I should definitely have RTFT 😂

@Commonsense22 I just don't understand why you think going to a dance class 4 times a week is the answer (unless she is genuinely gifted)?

My soon to be teen does rugby, scouts, maths club and football. He meets different people at all of them. 3 of them are free, all of them useful.

Also, let's be clear, any activity that starts at 15:45 is essentially an after-school club, not an elite sport.

There's a lot to be said for having a hobby taken seriously, developing a skill to a real standard (even if not professional).

It provides you with a community, a purpose and helps forge your identity. A close friend whose child is now headed off to uni told me the best thing she's ever done was sign her daughter up to dance at 3. She's not a professional but she's learnt independence and organisation through trips with the team, built the confidence to overcome anxiety and face stressful situations, and become responsible.
But she says most importantly she's stayed out of trouble by not having the time to get into it.

It's not the only way, but I grew up with a big dominant hobby and it has been massively positive. And does give you self-discipline, focus and pride in your achievements that having 3 small ones doesn't. You get a "tribe" that is similarly hard-working and driven.

If OP lives in an area that's not the best to walk around in, it's all the more important.

@Commonsense22
We are both saying the same thing, except I don't think a DC needs to attend any activity 4 times a week unless they are seriously amazing at it

My friend's DD who got intoTring Park / RBS goes to dance class twice a week (she also plays football and has a swimming lesson). My school mate who was an olympic swimmer went swimming 5 mornings a week (4 of them before school).

OP is being sold a story that her DD is in an 'elite squad' that trains at 15:45 (😬) and will be a real ball ache for her to attend as OP would like to get a job plus it will cost more due to extra sessions and competitions - it sounds like a con. Her DD can still participate in dance, she doesn't need to go 4 times a week.

It's more about the child's personality I think. If her dd is competitive, she will never derive the same satisfaction doing things casually as she will doing one intensely. It's just not the same going to a casual class with children who attend once a week.

Edit: I also don't think you need to be amazing at something to make it worthwhile. Take music - a grade 8 is still a very long way off being professional but takes a lot of focus to achieve. You don't get to grade 8 by attending a class twice a week. It's a daily commitment over 6-10 years.
Same with a karate black belt. It's just the beginning of serious karate but it's also a worthy achievement in itself.

Dh and I work from home dh 9- 3 and if needed i can use "lunch time' to do a school run (largely don't take lunches and this is seen as acceptable.by my employer) so we would be able to flex around this schedule- a wfh or hybrid role with the right wfh days might offer the flexibility you need

And in a few years she will be able to get there herself.

If your DH can drop her at school then collect dd from school and take her dancing could you not ask him to do that and in return you take all other DC to their hobbies later in the evening. If your DH has a meeting or something one day you could just take a day holiday. If that's the only hobby your DD has and she worked hard to be invited to join competition classes don't take that away from her. Make it work. You could use a taxi in an emergency.

@Commonsense22
This is where we disagree.
For me it's the '4 times a week' and by signing up to this, it may put off OP reigniting her career, prohibit finances and curtail the activities of other siblings.

I really don't care if it's dance, golf, running, tennis, playing an instrument..........

The commitment of extra time and expense into something that ultimately they may just be mediocre at and denying them from trying other activities at more sensible times is ridiculous.

If dance is the be all and end all for her, she can wait a few years and walk herself to the elite class. In the meantime OP has got a job, her and her siblings have tried other activities at sensible times and she really knows she wants to concentrate on that. If she's amazing at it, her teacher will tell her and OP before then and they can pivot on what they do.

Great she loves dance, let her keep going to the classes that her family can get her to.

I think you are making a problem of something that can be easily managed.

You have several options:

• Do you need to work full time? you could aim to find a part-time job that allows an earlier finish
• You can check with the dance school if there is another mum who could also drop your daughter to the lesson and back
• you can hire a baby sitter to take over
• why is the burden of getting. her to dance class all on you? can't your partner also step up and help?

I think it is great that she is doing something she loves.

Physical activity is good for physical and mental health and I assume she has made friends there as well.

I think you should try everything before removing this from her life.

Don't feel bad. It is okay to tell her it's not feasible and not feel guilty.

I took my daughter out of dance because she wasn’t committed enough for competitions. If she had been I’d have definitely kept her in.
I would pull out all the stops to make this work tbh. I had lots of extra curricular activities as a child and it was the making of me, especially when I was having a bad time/being bullied at school. I think it’s really healthy to have another community outside of school and family.
Also, there’s a lot of ‘what ifs’ - you might find a job flexible enough to work around this.
Also try asking the staff at the dance school, they might know other parents who can help.
You never where this might lead, if it’s financially difficult then maybe ask her if she’s committed enough to forgo other things to continue.

Could you not employ a child minder to take her to the classes and you collect her afterwards?

Do a work from home job, there are lots of them and location isn't important. You can take your lunch break to coincide with pick up times, or tell them what hours you need to work.

There’s definitely childminders who do school pick ups and after school care for older children. That seems like your best bet until she’s old enough to get there by herself.

Don’t agree with this at all, children learn so much from life experiences like this.

ive always bent over backwards to help my kids follow their hobbies and so has my DH. They’re teens now and they’ve had amazing opportunities through their various hobbies and sports and both are now coaching in their sports. They’ve got so much out of competitive sports as well.

I would find a way OP. Also really important for girls as they get older as so many teen girls give up on sports. Great outlet for them to make friends outside of school too.

I never considered being exceptionally good to signed up my DC to competitive sports/ activities. I have 3 DC, and the two older ones train for a (diffrent) sport at competitive level. This means 4 times for training a week each.
I never considered for them to get to x level (ie. National, European etc)...but what they get out of the experience. DD(15) and DS (13) both work hard at school. They have learned that to get good at something you need to work hard, practice etc. Also they learned that some days they don't feel like going to training but they have committed to it. They learned to be happy for others to get that gold medal, because the main thing is to be as best as you can be. As I said in my last post the best thing is that they are teens interested in sport rather than alcohol, vaping and getting into trouble. I think it pays off.
It's not about be an olympian/ best world dancer. It's about becoming the best version of yourself. It's just my view.