To tell DD she can't do it anymore?

[whatawickedgame]

I genuinely don't know what to do about this, I feel terrible for even considering it.

DD (8) is a very good dancer and was invited onto her dance companies competitive team. She was thrilled and I was thrilled for her, she tries her very best. She is a competitive person by nature so she really likes doing it. She has classes 4 days a week. However, some of the classes start at 3:45pm (twice a week) and it's occurred to me that now I'm considering going back to work since DC has started school, I can't find a job that is flexible enough for my schedule for DD, even part time ones. I live in a relatively small town and jobs are really hard to get here, particularly part time ones. DD is theoretically tied into this team and these classes until she's 17. The classes don't get later as she gets older. She's only been doing all of these classes for a few weeks before the summer (and currently on break for the summer holidays) and loves it and I feel terrible for considering taking her out of it since I said she can do it, but I don't know how feasible it is for me to continue making this commitment. I cannot find a job that finishes before 5pm, which right now isn't an issue as I don't need to work this second, but eventually I do want to get back to work and I don't know how I'll be able to do both. There is another dance class in the area that we can get to, but it's one class a week and no competitions which is what DD is really excited for. DD doesn't do other clubs, it's just her dance but I don't know if it's feasible. Does anyone else have this kind of schedule and how do you make it work if you do? AIBU to think that it's maybe not feasible? I genuinely feel terrible

I've never heard of a dance school in the UK which has a comp team that doesn't also ensure that every dancer does RAD/ISTD or equivalent graded exams in their main technique classes alongside the comp team rehearsals. It's just how most dance schools operate as a standard.

The actual qualifications to become a dance teacher or "qualified" dancer aren't usually an option until at least 16, if not 18 in most cases. And there's actually no pre-requisite for having taken exams previously with some colleges...you'd be advised to be "at least Grade 8 or Advanced 2 standard" but not asked to provide certificates. The evidence would be the dancer's technique and potential, assessed at audition. Sometimes exceptionally talented dancers (usually boys!) get in to the Post 16 vocational
schools with little training or grades...rare but not impossible. More common in Contemporary, Street etc. And you don't actually need a qualification at all to become a professional dancer in many genres...again rare, but it happens for lucky few.

But bottom line - I'd be bowled over if OPs child's dance school will not be putting her dd through her grades and training her for comps. They go hand in hand. And the discipline of competing, the regular exposure to an audience, the provision of regular constructive, professional criticism from judges, constantly having to learn new choreography at speed and the opportunities to travel and dance in many different venues, will actually help to prepare OPs DD for a professional dance career rather than harm her chances.

If you cannot take her, you cannot take her. A bit 🤔🙄 at the Au pair suggestions. This is classic mumsnet. Don't give it a second thought. It's part of live. simple.

You have to decide if you want to commit to this. I did, and accordingly we had to budget for it and allocate a lot of time, mostly mine, but I WFH so it was mostly doable. Few days I had to ask other parents to help. This was from 8 to 14 (DD had to give up at 14). We were at the commercial agency stage when DD gave up, so the commitments were getting more, auditions etc., and she was due to go to stage school at 16 (as I say didn't work out.) But I wanted to give her that chance - that's the thing OP, you have to make it work for her.

If you are married to your DH, even though he's her step dad, he would have to take it all on too, same as a bio dad. Do you have children together or are all the kids just yours?

Does your dh not drive either?

He might have thought it was too much before she started but if she's clearly loving the classes and thriving when this actually becomes an issue down the line, surely he'll want to support her?

These are tiny distances so absolutely doable, particularly as she'll be able to get herself to class as she gets older so it's a finite commitment from you both. Or she may get fed up with it.

Anyway, don't go borrowing problems from tomorrow.

Have you discussed it with the dance teacher?
They may be able to help with a solution

As a parent of adult kids: I can not tell you how important it is that your child has an activity they are passionate about! You must exhaust all options!

I don't know how I can say DH does his fair share any more than I can and that he loves and treats them like his own. A lot of people, mothers or fathers, wouldn't have considered letting their DC do this due to time or financial constraints. I am trying. DH said that it was too much and I decided to try and make it work. I know that I don't have a job yet but I could potentially soon if I find something that is part time. It will certainly be before DD can get there by herself.

Also taxis wouldn't work because they require a parent/caregiver to be pick them up for any child 10 and under. DD has just turned 8 so it's another 3 years before she can even be allowed to get there and back by herself.

Could you learn to drive to make life generally a bit easier?

I don't think professional dancers really do these competitions? I could be wrong!

Entering for the enjoyment is one thing, and obviously it's great practice for auditions but it's not a path to a professional career. If that's the goal, focus on getting the best tuition until they're of an age to audition for dance school.

And if I hadn't intended on making it work as best as I could, I wouldn't have paid what I have so far for DD's fees and outfit and shoes that are non refundable. Sometimes you don't realise how demanding something is until you actually do it. I don't mean to get defensive but I just don't know how I could make it work. DH and taxis are not possible as I've explained, we couldn't have an au pair for lots of reasons.

OP...no matter how often you repeat yourself when MN's read the words 'DH can't' nine times out of ten the hate starts so you'll get a good few messages telling you what a shit DH/DF he is.

Oh gosh, I’d personally sacrifice to ensure my daughter could continue the dance classes. Her life is just beginning and these early years are so precious in terms of creative pursuits.

Have you even asked him what he thinks about it if you were to go back to work?

What do you do for work?

A lot of jobs now can be done remotely, from home, and with more flexible hours.

I technically don't finish until 4/430 depending on what time I logon, but I sometimes work in the evenings too, to catch up when I've had to take DD to the docs or the dog to the vets, etc. The plan when she's at school is to log off, do the school run, settle her in with a snack and an activity and finish up my work before dinner / after if needs be.

If she had a club important to her I'd take her there and work longer other days or later on in the evening.

Working life has changed a lot the last few years for many places, so it may be easier than you think.

Ironically, I can't afford both driving lessons and DC's clubs. DC's clubs in total come in at £140 a month and that's when DD doesn't have competition entrance fees, costume purchases and travel there and back.

Some of these suggestions! A nanny, taxis, ironing job 😆😆😆

What kind of jobs are you applying for? Are you very you won't be able to get one that finishes in time for school run?
Cleaning or home care are good options as someone else suggested. Or something you can do from home flexibly?
Another good option would be asking other parents if they can take your DD some days and you take theirs another, there's probably others in the same position as you.
Also can't your DH even agree to doing this one day a week even? It's just what we have to do for our kids sometimes.

Yes, pay an older child to escort her. By 9 or so she should be able to walk 15 minutes by herself (mine was at 7 but I know UK children are generally a bit behind other European children with independent mobility).

Stop thinking about taxis and lifts, she's really on the cusp of being able to get herself about, assuming it's not a horrible route involving crossing a dual carriageway without crossing lights or something.

she'll be able to get herself to class as she gets older so it's a finite commitment from you both.

What about the commitment to travelling to weekend competitions that people have mentioned, which is likely to become greater in time and expense?

Have you spoken to the dance school about reducing her weeknight rehearsals?

I'd look for a job first and see what you can make work from there. You could ask DH to do one dance-run a week. Maybe ask a friend at dance/from school to take her once a week. You do once a week. It can probably be cobbled together.

@smallchange yes. DH is supportive if it's something I would like to do but is more than happy for me to not work. Before DH, I worked full time from when DC was a few months old which I don't want to go into, but it wasn't a choice, it was necessary. DH has enabled me to have 1.5 years off as a SAHM as I never got that when they were younger. He knows I've enjoyed it very much and has financed everything and is happy to continue doing so.

Op can do that, it's the 2 classes a week that start at 3.45 that she's saying are impossible because she can't ask her dh to do them.

I'd better let mine know that she's extinct then!

Ask the dance school.
If another parent can help, you could take their child st the w/e ?
If not, you pay someone to walk her there & your H can collect.