Not a good wife

[Catdogmouse1]

If your husband said the words you are a great mother, but not a good wife how would u feel?
For context 2 kids under 5 husband works away 7am to 7pm.... gets to fit in gym time in the evening
I do all child related stuff, sort the finances, house admin, medical stuff, cooking and cleaning, oh and work full time as well. He hardly lifts a finger round the house... but apparently i am not a good wife.
Then he has the nerve 2 ask me what i do 4 him and that he doesnt care about washing or cooking... he can do that himself.
Am i missing something?

He sounds like a shit husband

Probably definately means sex... My husband and I have had a similar conversation. Absoloute joke and I find it more laughable than upsetting...

ask him what he meant by it? I find that my husband just never thinks about how what he says comes across and I often interpret the words he says as not how he meant them. Does that make sense?! I’ve learnt to call him out on things that sound off at the time so I don’t spend ages stewing over it when it’s not what he meant.
Ask him!

Yeah basically what he means is, you're not having enough sex.
Tell him that after engaging the services of a housekeeper, nanny and handyman/gardener you'll be an amazing wife. Then tell him to fuck off.

Stop enabling him to walk all over you. If he's calling you a shit wife, then act like one and do nothing for him.

Don't carry on doing anything for him, because if you do then you'll remain his door mat.

Kick that bastard to the gutters where he belongs.

Sounds like a dick and you don't need him in your life. Being a single parent is daunting but imagine the time you'd have to yourself if you didn't have to do everything for him. Also imagine him having the kids overnight and weekends, your life could be so much more fulfilled

So he is going to spend 2 days taking care of the children. Is he going to do any of the life administration you do as well?

This

You would not be unreasonable to divorce him, but if you do want to try and make it work, I would sit down and explain to him the fucking obvious that if he helps more with housework and childcare (including the night wakings), and/or you chip in jointly for a cleaner, then you are likely to have more time and energy for sex and intimacy.

This. Except I'd replace 'any' with ALL

Love this 😂 made me laugh so much the dog dived all over me 😅 and I agree wholeheartedly

My husband said exactly this to me!!
Im a wonderful mother but not a good wife… we are now separated and my life is so much easier!!
I was upset at his remark.. our daughter was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and I was getting up throughout the night to check her sugar levels, I had an alarm set for every 2 hours.. I would check her and if she was slightly high I’d change the alarm for 3 hour, if she was a bit on the low side I would change alarm for an hours time…. If she was low (below what is expectable) I’d give her an orange juice in her sleep and then have to stay with her for 15 minutes to check her levels were rising…. It was bloody hard work and once awake I found it hard to go back to sleep…. He’d moan about being disturbed !!!! … never once got up … thought he was wonderful because he’d check her if he was later going to bed than me so I could have a bit longer than 2 hours initially (but this was rare) and he’d check her when he got up for work at 5 so I could just set alarm for 7…. So for example I’d check her at 9 before my bed… he’d do the 11pm, I’d then do 1am, 3am, he’d then do 5am and I’d do 7am…. But any lows in that time I’d the one sat up with her ….. and if he wasn’t working the next day he wouldn’t get up at all till about 11am…. So even when he was home I’d be up all through the night and still be up at 5 then 7 and stay up to do school runs etc…. I couldn’t even nap during the day because he’d make me feel guilty / lazy!!

The sheer tiredness meant my body then craved junk food so that I could get a quick fix of energy (sugar) so I gained weight, felt terrible because I’d always been quite slim and pretty and now felt fat and unattractive… on top of that had health problems meaning I was bleeding daily (have now had hysterectomy)…. He had the ordasity to tell me I wasn’t a good wife… oh and on top of that when I walked up to get DD from school (about a 50 minute round trip) he would cook and eat while I was gone FOR HIMSELF!! … so we’d walk in to a house that smelt like dinner but no actual trace of food!…. I’d then cook later for myself and DD!!

He then TEXT ME from work saying our marriage was depressing and we hadn’t done anything for ages (keeping in mind this was 2021 / after lockdown) and that we hadn’t even had sex for a year… keeping in mind I was up every night more often than I’d have been to a newborn…. Plus was bleeding daily… and not just a bit but heavy! (Sorry if TMI)
I was too upset to respond and he wouldn’t actually elaborate anyway…. But I think he was pissed because of the time I have to DD, I’d run her to clubs and go out with her friend and her mum to places (places DH wouldn’t have wanted to go to!)… and as she got older declined going to town to just walk around and only go in shops HE wanted to browse! He always wanted to go in shops like curry’s ‘just look’ and mens clothing stores, camping shops and a visit to a shop selling ‘almost out of date’ food…. If I wanted to go the card shop he’d huff and stand outside…. Even if the card I was buying for once of his bloody family!! If I wanted to go into town for myself I’d have to go a different day without him!!…. DD got to the age where she’d moan it was boring, or she’d want a subway and a bubble tea .. he’d moan about the cost…. I’d get her one just as a way of blackmailing her to even go to town without a fuss…. It became such a pain with him being in a mood whatever we did that I stopped going… telling him we’d only go to town if his days off fell on a week day because DD didn’t want to be dragged round town!
I think men expect us to do everything… my DH never lifted a finger with DD, never bathed her as a baby, would only look after her if I was at work … but would make it known he didn’t want to because ‘it was HIS day off to RELAX!!’ We’ve been separated 2 years now…. In all that time he’s seen her ONCE!! Can’t afford the train fare (he says) but attends a gym, has been on holiday abroad with a female ‘friend’… and refuses to coach down for £30 round trip as it would take all night (he could sleep on it as can sleep anywhere!)….

I think you need to take a long look at your life and consider what’s in this for you!!…. It sounds like he’s happy for you to be a nanny, cook, cleaner and taxi to his kids but also wants you to carry out your wifey duties and fit in ‘pleasing him’….. no room in his life for you to be worn out!!

My attitude now is that while I was apparently a great mother and shit wife.. at least I performed well in one of my roles…. He on the other hand would fail at both being a husband and father …. But I think they see their only role as ‘providing’ financially….. your husband needs a kick up the arse and reminding you also provide financially and maybe you need to tell him on his days off you’re off to the gym and he can take his turn at being a good parent!!…. Maybe if I’m his two days off he actually pulled his weight you could relax and then you’d actually want sex / have the energy for it!!!! (Maybe just not with him 😂) jokes aside I didn’t find my husband at all attractive towards the end…. To me he was awful for not helping…. And unsupportive…. The him doing the night checks didn’t last very long either… he ended up saying he was tired and went to bed before me!…. So I’d then be checking her at 11pm too… so I just didn’t bother going to sleep till after 11 pm check…. Then he stopped checking her before work so I’d also be up at 5am…..
I was so bloody grateful when we were allowed technology which monitored her and alarmed on my phone … I can now check her sugars without getting out of bed, and actually do sometimes get a whole nights sleep!! Lol
and because he’s gone I also don’t get woken by his constant wee stops in the night, snoring or his by his alarm or slamming the front door every morning…. BLISS !

The days you work, don't leave him a list. Dont fucking help him. Dont have a single meal prepped. Dont come home afterwards.

BE him entirely for those two days. Right down to fucking off in the morning leaving wet towels on the floor or whatever chaos he leaves in his wake. Take more days if you can.

Do what he does. Come in tipsy at a time he normally would after work and some gym time and moan about the state of the place, the dried up dinner, and don't lift a finger to even move a toy. Moan about how hard your day was, and tell him he's a shit wife too.

Petty and childish I know. But sometimes reflecting their own misogyny back to them can be very effective.

On point ☝️
That's the language they understand.
Otherwise all they hear is blah blah blah, moan moan moan moan .... Which confirms their belief Ur a bad wife.

PS why is it petty and childish? Just behaving exactly the way he.does? Seems reasonable more than petty.

Let him do the cooking and washing then, including the meal planning and food shop, putting it all away and keeping tabs on what has run out etc. He can sort, wash, fold and iron if needed, put it all away and change the towels and bedding when they need washing as well. Not as simple as he thinks, I'm sure!

Gym? I'd be wanting proof of that I'm afraid.

So i thought i had a good chat with my husband. Think he just misses us from before we had kids, but with little outside support and me doing the lions share i cant split myself in a thousand directions.
I suggested we have a nice take away tonight and try and reconnect a bit... but he now wants 2 have a drink along with it. Problem with that is he needs the car 2moro so will have 2 drive me early to work and i wouldnt feel happy him drinking 2night, then driving 2moro and in charge of the kids by himself.
It has all turned sour again and im thinking why on earth am i even trying when it seems his priorities are so different to mine.
We used to be on the same page, but i became a mum... matured i guess and put my kids and family first, whereas he just seems 2 want his own space etc

For those questioning the gym... theres no doubt, it is a home gym

What's wrong with having a drink with a takeaway?!? I love a couple of beers with a curry!

That sounds really controlling on your behalf so I'm not surprised he didn't like you saying that.

Or are you saying he's an alcoholic and can't just have a couple of drinks and will drink until drunk?

how late and how much are you likely to be drinking, we’d share a bottle of wine with a takeaway and are fine the following morning

Sharing a bottle of wine with a take away wouldn’t cause any problems for tomorrow, surely? Unless you were drinking until the early hours.

He wants to have 4 of the larger bottles of beer, which is about 10 units i believe? He can be a div with alcohol in him, it changes his personality to either sullen and grumpy or wired and then he will keep me up with his bumbling around, and b4 work i cant be arsed with it.
And b4 he watches the 2 kids all day on his own foe the first.time i think hr needs his wits around him... he has never had them both all day alone because as i said i do the lions share

Get a divorce problem solved.

Has anybody got any clue how hard a divorce is to actually get? Having watched a relative go through it, the devastation it has caused the children, the financial ruin on everybody, the length of time it actually takes to go through the court system.... im trying everything not 2 put my wee family through it... thats y i have been reaching out for advice here, to see others perspectives, and to see if i need to change myself a bit as well.

I don’t think it would hurt to unclench a bit and have a beer to be honest.