Not a good wife

[Catdogmouse1]

If your husband said the words you are a great mother, but not a good wife how would u feel?
For context 2 kids under 5 husband works away 7am to 7pm.... gets to fit in gym time in the evening
I do all child related stuff, sort the finances, house admin, medical stuff, cooking and cleaning, oh and work full time as well. He hardly lifts a finger round the house... but apparently i am not a good wife.
Then he has the nerve 2 ask me what i do 4 him and that he doesnt care about washing or cooking... he can do that himself.
Am i missing something?

Determined to undermine me? You assumed I had no clue and when I said I did you're now telling me I have no clue for different reasons. No, no kids but it doesn't mean I don't understand. I have one now, and I know it'd be an even bigger reason for me to leave, to protect her.

Abusive relationships are hard to leave regardless. Kids make it logistically harder and are more to consider, but don't you dare try and take away the achievement it is for any person to leave an abusive partner.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos that means you know about what you experienced in an abusive relationship - not what every woman experiences in abusive relationships. I’m really sorry that happened to you and I’m glad you were able to walk away from that situation and have been able to use it to make boundaries that have resulted in you finding a healthy relationship - that is amazing and really inspirational. However, there are so many complexities in people’s lives that can impact how they handle relationships; from mental health issues, their childhood, their partners level of manipulation, learning/social development issues, a huge power imbalance etc etc. And to be honest also all of these things could not be present because someone is never responsible for their partner being abusive and it’s not their fault that they haven’t left. I’m hoping you have just been backed into a corner defending yourself - as I’m a bit worried where this exchange is going if we are bringing in DV (I’m absolutely not saying that is what OP is experiencing, I haven’t read all the exchange, but this thread of the convo has brought DV into the topic around choice and it’s concerning) 😢

Hi,I wasn't attempting to undermine you. Unsure why you seem so angry with my post. I agree that abusive relationships are hard to get out of irrespective of circumstances but there is definitely a difference between leaving a relationship with compared to without. BW

Thank you. Excellent script

I know, right!

It’s like something from a medieval parish court record: “Verily, she failed to perform her wifely duties”.

He doesn't sound to be coping well with fatherhood or being a good husband!

As said above, his statement that you are not being 'a good wife' could be him looking to excuse his behaviour (with other women). I hope not- since you still love him.

However, it could also be a clumsy way of expressing anger and unhappiness at this stage in your lives and relationship. Having young children is tough for both parents!

Perhaps he just misses you and the attention you had for each other? Saying you are a 'good mother' could be a bit of jealousy rather than lack of love? (Not impressive of him to feel like that about his own children...but it does happen.)

Do you also miss the relationship you two used to have... or are you too exhausted to feel that?

If so -you two need to work out some ways to balance parenting better and work out something for the two of you- a marriage life-jacket.

You're missing a divorce!!! Ungrateful git, him not you x

Let him do it himself then! You should go on the program mum’s on strike😂 or stop doing stuff for a few days so he can see what you do! The man’s a dick don’t let him get away with that bs!

Well maybe go out with the girls for dinner after work and return home at the same time he did when he last went out after work!

Then he could share looking after the kids and do his own housework and pull his own chain while you have a break.😜

This with bells on.

oh and LTB. You’re doing all the housework and childcare alongside your own FT job what exactly is he even for?!

I think he’s referring to sex. He’s really going about it the wrong way. Does he not realise that if he offered to help and showed u some kindness that you might feel more inclined? Sorry but I don’t like the sound of him.

Your DH sounds like a complete arse!

I’m going to take a punt this is a lack of sex.

Perhaps you’d feel more willing if he did anything to assist you.

TBH I think a lot of women aspire to be mothers, I don’t think a lot of men aspire to be fathers and that is where a disconnect happens. Men approach it hoping children will change nothing, when, in reality, they change everything. Some men step up and find fatherhood wonderful and anre really invested, others go the other way and then there are those in the middle and there is totally no way to know how it will be until you are knee deep in it. I also doesn’t help if you have the unexpected sh*t sleeper or one then never settles or one that is more high maintenance in some way as a child.

I feel for you OP, what he has said in unjust, unfair and blind. You deserve better. I think you both need to sit down, with the condition you won’t be derogatory towards one another, and hash this out being really honest about where you stand and the struggles and expectations you both have and how you can find a way forward.

i also agree that some time for him to take the reigns might well give him a different perspective!!!!

Yes, you're missing something. You're missing asking him what he meant. How on earth would WE know?

This could be anything from a mis-fired joke to the opening shot in a divorce. Don't ask us, ask HIM!

We are in the season of young kids and I do not relate to this at all. My husband would never say this to me, he never makes me feel less than an equal and we completely support each other. He is not a weekend parent. Not saying this to rub it in but i think you both desperately need a break to talk through what sounds like multiple issues. I hope his phase of being a prick will pass soon. And it never hurts to have a think about an exit strategy. No one needs to know. It can sometimes be comforting to have it there so you never feel trapped. X

Sounds like a narcissist - look it up!

God help you OP.
Thats some piece of selfish shit you married.
He needs to spend solid time with his children.
Can you leave them with him.
Work and gym? He's a fxxking disgrace.

Tell family and friends the truth, you are likely to get sick with the pressure you are under.

What a total loser he is.
God help you.

Oh and it really isn't a normal thing to say.

Only scum behave like your husband, real scum.
Tell your family the truth.

He means you don't give him enough sex

Stop doing his washing and cleaning. Stop doing any admin that involves him.

Tell him,from now on:
he'll be doing 2 morning out of 5 work days with the children
Night wakes will be taking turns
3 children's bed times per week will be his
Weekends you each get a lie in

And if being a good wife means more sex, explain that it's on him. Tell him you also want more of it but if he doesn't do his share, it's not fair or feasible to expect it. If he wants sex, he needs to make sure you're not exhausted all the time and show some love and affection.

And if he didn't do all of those things I'd refuse to ever have sex with him again. I just don't get how (far too many) men equate good wife to taking care of their sexual needs, and not all the other shit most of us do day in day out.

Sounds like he is 'away' a lot. Could he have a bit on the side elsewhere? Not trying to put thoughts in your mind but he sounds like the type to make sure he's getting what he wants and then blame you for making him do it (because Ur not meeting his sexual needs). He sounds absolutely horrific btw.
Definitely have an exit plan.

He wants to hurt you.

He's both a shitty husband and a shitty dad (and, I imagine, a shitty person).

I think my vagina would seal itself shut forever in the face of such a selfish arsehole.

He sounds a big an arsehole as my husband. I do everything also but I’m a crap wife apparently because I don’t have time between my full time job, children with additional needs and paying for everything to look after him too and treat him like royalty.

Blimey! Awful!

Some men really do need to haul themselves into the 21st century. The sense of entitlement is staggering.

I know a couple of men who did v little and then, tragically, their wives died. Then, they had to do absolutely everything. Not shared. No respite, not even when they’re ill. No one to ever see to their needs. And you know what, they managed. So many men act like they’re incapable, wouldn’t know what to do or don’t even notice. But they do when they have no choice. So that means they can do an equal share any time.