Not a good wife

[Catdogmouse1]

If your husband said the words you are a great mother, but not a good wife how would u feel?
For context 2 kids under 5 husband works away 7am to 7pm.... gets to fit in gym time in the evening
I do all child related stuff, sort the finances, house admin, medical stuff, cooking and cleaning, oh and work full time as well. He hardly lifts a finger round the house... but apparently i am not a good wife.
Then he has the nerve 2 ask me what i do 4 him and that he doesnt care about washing or cooking... he can do that himself.
Am i missing something?

awful situation and opinion from him.

how often is he at the gym Mon to Fri? Why isn’t he doing a fair share of parenting (including weekdays and at night) and domestic work?

agree with an immediate stop to all cooking, laundry etc for him, as a start while you think about your options.

You're not a good wife because he's not a team player.... jeez what does he bring to the table?

@QuotetheRaven yes lots of mumsnetters showing their true colours: supporting another mum to know her self worth and not let a man take advantage of her - great isn’t it?

He sounds like a shit husband AND a shit father. If my husband told I was a bad wife I’m not sure I could forgive him.

Very good.
Couldn't say that better.

What a bastard

So r leave him a list tell him to write his own one and you'll give feedback if needed

Make sure you go to the gym after work. Or just out for a coffee.

And arrange a night out with your friends instead of dinner one evening.

Been there OP, my blood is boiling on your behalf. Definitely down tools on his domestic responsibilities and let him crack on. Also make sure you do something for yourself half the nights of the week. Knob that he is. I'm so glad I don't have a nasty ungrateful prick in my home any more.

👍 couldn't have said it better straight to divorce don't bother to try sort it.

If he can do that himself, let him do it. What does he do for you? When you're doing all the grunt work woth the kids leaving him free to work 7 to 7 and go to the gym, THAT'S what you're doing. This is so common it's infuriating where dads who work more hours or earn more money in their jobs than their wife, who do these dad's think will have their kids so they are enabled to this in the first place?? Ask him, if you disappeared 50% of the time how would that impact him? So frustrating.

And the patronising way he asked you ehat you do for him too, I woukd have refused to answer and just said look you've got something in mind I can do for you that I don't, let's cut the crap and tell me. And I bet whatever it is he doesnt reciprocate with you.

I can't imagine being with someone who would say 'you're not a good wife' and expect to be taken seriously.

What does he think being a wife is and how are the expectations different to being a good husband?

You're in a relationship, it's about mutual respect and companionship. Not about fulfilling a gender stereotype.

He's shown contempt in multiple ways. People are recognising that this means the relationship is done - there's no coming back from contempt.

I would also be unsurprised if this is the start of The Script - blaming you for the affair he considering or has already begun. It's of course not a given, but wouldn't be unusual.

I guess the answer is if he’s a good husband, you’ll be a good wife; although if, as I suspect, his idea of a good wife is a blow-up doll with working hands, he knows where the door is.

Sums it up.

I’m gobsmacked at his entitlement, his arrogance, his blindness at what are doing for him and the family. You are facilitating a much easier life for him, at your expense, by taking in all the domestic and childcare related work.

If he doesn’t care about those things, just stop doing them for him.

I thought he was a selfish ungrateful bastard when I assumed you were a SAHM. Now I know you work FT too I’m even more outraged.

He’s an absolute bastard OP.

I'm 100% not defending him, but the idea of someone being a "good wife" or indeed "good husband" is personal. What I think a good partner is, isn't what someone else needs.

OP may well not be a good wife to this man because what he believes that looks like isn't compatible to what she believes and can give. He may be better suited to a wife who wants to "serve" him and she may be better suited to an equal partner in life.

My personal opinion based on what OP has said is that he's a twat and doesn't deserve her. I certainly wouldn't allow my partner in life to treat me the way he has her and then tell me I'm bad at being a partner. But that doesn't stop them actually not being good wife/husband material for each other.

Life really doesn’t have to be like this Op, you deserve so much better. I happily did what you do while being a SAHM but when working full time it absolutely shouldn’t be like that. He should come home to be a parent and husband, not rush off to gym/pub while you are left to it. He’s definitely not a good husband so don’t feel bad about his idiotic comment. Take care - you more than deserve a break.

I see so many posts on this forum about vile men who care only about one thing and expect women to do everything with regards childcare and life admin/housework. It begs the question why anyone would want to get married for fear of ending up with one of these losers?

I'd be letting him do his own cooking and washing. In fact when I was a SAHM I did make my DH do those things. I had that time to look after the children, although I did more in the house than he did, he still pulled his weight 🤷‍♀️ you don't have a good husband. 💐

(Just to add that reads like now I work DH doesn't do washing/cooking anymore but he does!)

My reading of it is that he has an idea of a wife being an uncomplaining mother, domestic worker and sexual partner who never gets tired of asks for anything in return. He's not seeing her as a full person in need of fulfillment.

I agree that relationships work different ways, if they're not based on respect then they're always bad ones.

Well the 4 years I spent living with my husband before marriage indicated that he wasn’t one of these kind of men, as he always did his share happily, and thankfully he didn’t become a different person upon marriage.

Stop doing all the extra stuff while he is out
make a list of what needs doing each week and divide it up between you in the hours he is home.
dont make a list for him next week. Let him figure it out.
and come up with a plan on how to leave him

he sounds throughly vile

I agree, @RhaenysRocks. Blaming someone for making a poor choice shows a staggering lack of understanding about people and relationships.
But I don’t know the boiling frog analogy 😊 I’ll have to Google that one!

And you’re a selfish lazy prick of a husband comes to mind as my response…