Not a good wife

[Catdogmouse1]

If your husband said the words you are a great mother, but not a good wife how would u feel?
For context 2 kids under 5 husband works away 7am to 7pm.... gets to fit in gym time in the evening
I do all child related stuff, sort the finances, house admin, medical stuff, cooking and cleaning, oh and work full time as well. He hardly lifts a finger round the house... but apparently i am not a good wife.
Then he has the nerve 2 ask me what i do 4 him and that he doesnt care about washing or cooking... he can do that himself.
Am i missing something?

Nobody can be a good wife to an absolutely selfish shitty husband. I hope you’ve told him he’s a shit dad and a shit husband so at least you’re ticking one box and it’s a huge one.

I'm sorry op but it's very unlikely that you love him like you've said in your last post.

We love people who are kind to us.

So this isn't love, it's something else.

I expect you want to be in love so much, that you've picked a person who you probably fancied at the beginning, probably even liked elements of his personality, and then squeezed him in to the fantasy of who you want him to be. Every time he treats you like shit, proving its not love, you need to create something in your mind ti dismiss it - like how you've decided that him being nasty here is your fault 'a dent in me'.

You need to talk to him Op, let him go first and tell you what he really means. I'd bet it's sex, he thinks all your time goes elsewhere than him. Too many men still think they work so that's them done, meanwhile you also work, keep house, look after the DC so your work load goes up and up, your sleeps broken and all he's doing is complaining.
He needs to wake up and see if he wants more sex he needs to be a better DH

He sounds delightful! I'd be showing him the door. He is expecting you to do EVERYTHING and also be at his every sexual demand.

This thread has gone the way they always do, almost unanimous 'see how your life without him would look' with a tiny few 'its normal'. Always go with the majority op. The 'it's normal' posters are likely in the similar horrible situations themselves and aren't ready to consider that.

Oh I don't disagree that he sounds incredibly difficult to be a good wife for and still be a person in your own right.

I was just responding to a PP who said you can't take someone seriously if they're saying "you're not a good wife". You can take them seriously, because that's their view, you're not what they think a good wife is. And that's your cue to think very carefully about what the next thing you need to do is. Have you, as a couple, dropped the ball? Are you actually not compatible? What needs to happen to make sure you're both getting what you need?

Well I’d not be doing a damn thing for them if I intended to stay with him out it that way.

If you’re a doormat that puts up with shit like this that’s on you but it doesn’t fly in my house.

If you are happy to have low standards in your marriage then that’s fine, but I expect (and get) better from mine.

He. Is. Selfish.

Time for the useless twat to start doing his own washing and cooking I think!

Yes, he works long shifts but he gets to the gym! He sounds like a thoughtless arse.

What do you get? Other than chores and FTW I mean.

What do you love about him, though? He sounds like a complete arsehole. Selfish, lazy, disrespectful, engaging in wilful incompetence, and with so little self-awareness that he is saying you are the problem. It doesn't sound very endearing. I'm astonished you manage to find him attractive at all when he treats you and your children in this manner.

I think the veneer often vanishes once people have children. You see now who he really is, and it's pretty obvious the answer is to divorce him asap.

Why would it be a good idea to stay married to somebody who behaves like this?

What low standards you must have.

Well the 4 years I spent living with my husband before marriage indicated that he wasn’t one of these kind of men, as he always did his share happily, and thankfully he didn’t become a different person upon marriage.

Lots of men do, though, even when all reasonable precautions like cohabiting for years before marriage have been taken. So, what is your point exactly? That you think good luck demonstrates some kind of superior judgement?

I lived with my DH for 6 years before we married and we'd been married 7 when DD came along. I had an idea of what he'd be like as first a husband and then a father.

But also, I made sure that he knew what I wouldn't accept from him as either. He knows that if he treats me poorly, I won't still be here for it to continue. He respects me for that and I respect him for being "man enough" to have an equal partner in life rather than a skivvy.

I do think there's an element of luck to it, but there is also an element of choosing wisely.

No. PP said what’s the point in getting married as you might end up married to a wanker. I said I tried to make sure he wasn’t a wanker before I married him. So you can use whatever mental gymnastics you desire to make out I’m being superior, but I was actually just answering the question.

Gosh OP, you sound like an amazing woman, juggling so many balls. Your husband sounds selfish, inconsiderate and chauvinistic! You deserve love, praise, support and recognition for all that you are doing. Looking after very young children is exhausting in itself, let alone working and household duties.
What worries me is that if your husband has no insight into the enormity of the responsibilities and exhaustion associated with young children, there is limited hope for change and recognition. You don't need to explain the lack of sexual desire! I really hope that you can communicate with each other and that he can come to appreciate the need for him to share the workload. This may make you feel more appreciated and less stressed. Wishing you lots of luck but PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. YOU ARE AMAZING

Lucky that it has worked out for you (element of luck) but please don't imply that someone hasn't chosen wisely so has ended up with the situation they are in.
If only it was as easy as saying 'I wouldn't tolerate that'; that displays complete lack of understanding into the complexities of getting out of difficult relationships.

Pop to the gym, meet a mate on the way home....how does he get to have a beer night if you don't? Expect dinner and all you do and say your not a good wife to him.

Is that what they taught in Stepford?

Agree it’s absolutely nauseating.

It doesn't, because before DH I was in an abusive relationship, and then one with a very insecure man who absolutely wouldn't have handled me forging a career. I walked away from both of those. And they're the reason I have put my boundaries in place and make them clear.

They're the reason I was in no rush to take the next steps with DH. They're the reason I had to be sure there were no signs that once we moved to the next step he'd change. And the reason I know there's an element of choice.

I'd tell him... too bad. I'm the wife you've got and I'm doing the best I can with the life we have. If it's not good enough for you, and you think you can get better, then off you go. Because this is all I have to give (and is a lot more than I get in return.)

Thank you, am I right to assume that there were no children in the previous relationships you walked away from?
Not quite so easy or straightforward to walk away when you have young children.
If it was, there would be alot more separated/ divorced women