Not a good wife

[Catdogmouse1]

If your husband said the words you are a great mother, but not a good wife how would u feel?
For context 2 kids under 5 husband works away 7am to 7pm.... gets to fit in gym time in the evening
I do all child related stuff, sort the finances, house admin, medical stuff, cooking and cleaning, oh and work full time as well. He hardly lifts a finger round the house... but apparently i am not a good wife.
Then he has the nerve 2 ask me what i do 4 him and that he doesnt care about washing or cooking... he can do that himself.
Am i missing something?

He’s feeling entitled to sex because “ it’s your duty”

If you’re a “bad wife” say that you could divorce him then he’d be free of you.

He is playing away. Ditch him asap

This. You deserve better than this kind of crap, OP.

Yes. He is a dickhead knob. Who is playing away.
Ditch him.
And next week - no lists. Unless it is of all the things he needs to sort or attend like school shoes, dentists, play dates. Parties etc.
don't arrange food.
Don't arrange gifts
Don't remind him of anything.

And come home late every night. Having had some fun. And then tell him he is a terrible father & partner......

First ask him to define in detail what he thinks a good wife should be doing. Don't let up until he spits it out.
Then I'd tell him he's not rich enough or good looking enough for you to lie on your back for him and do bedroom gymnastics every night.

So he's a shit husband AND a shit father. I suggest this performance review process should work both ways.

He sounds like a prick.
The truth is anyone who says that isn't a good husband. Especially seeing as you run the home and work.
What exactly does he do?
I'd be telling him to utilise the door and not to look backwards.

The last thing this dickhead needs is more confidence and ego stroking! He already seems to think he's in a position to critique the OP based on his own contribution of fuck all to the running of the household and their relationship.

I'd rather do everything myself forever than creep around the kind of cunt that won't just pull their weight because they are an adult and instead are happy to watch someone they are supposed to love run themselves ragged while they piss around at the gym and the pub. Fuck that sexist regressive bullshit for a game of soldiers.

"Am i missing something?"

Umm, yes, you seem to be missing a loving man who should know that if it wasn't for you, he'd have nothing.

I’d be staying somewhere else for the whole of the time he’s got off. Let him get a real taste of your life. Even then he won’t be working full time on top.

@Catdogmouse1 I think that if you wanted validation that what your husband says is unwarranted, you have it from so many of us. You clearly love him though so maybe worth getting a babysitter, going out and having a sit down chat and talk it all through. But leave it until after he has had sole care of the kids for a few days when he will may be have a better perspective.

What an entitled, nasty pig.
Fuck that "bad wife" noise. He's a terrible husband and father.

This.

How would I feel? Like kicking him up the arse to be honest.

This is some weird tradwife bullshit. It's 2024 FFS. You can't change entitled, verbally abusive men, and if you pander to their narcissism it only gets worse.
Absolutely terrible advice.

Exactly. That shit was like something straight from a marital guide for women circa 1952.

Yep. Just this. My first thought too.

"I am glad you brought this up, because I have been thinking for a while that you are not a good husband. I work full time, I do everything with the kids and I run the house. What do you do?"

He could be the biggest idiot in the world or he could be fed up with right I have my children you are now surplus to requirements' so it would depends

I don't think humans' feelings are a tap where you turn off the bits you shouldn't feel

Unappreciative fuckwit of the highest order.
You're running yourself ragged and instead of pitching in to help.
He's sulking because he's not shooting his load enough for his liking.
What a prick.

My ex was like that. He demanded sex, even though I was completely shattered with three under five. His demands killed our marriage.

Simple response “maybe if you were a better husband I would have the time, energy and desire to be a better wife”.

he sounds awful. Sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds like it’s time to rethink the relationship, what you want to put into it and what you want to get out of it.

Thing is, most men don’t want a second mother.

Yeah they do.

Men want a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen, and a whore in the bedroom.

That is the saying.

And, yeah, I think a lot also want a mother running everything else.

It doesn't seem fair that you do everything. He works 7 am to 7pm and manages to fit in sessions at the gym. Meanwhile you do all child related stuff, sort the finances, house admin, medical stuff, cooking and cleaning, and work full time as well. He hardly does anything round the house. He had told you he doesn't value or care about washing or cooking because he can do that himself although from what you say he doesn't actually do any of it.

I don't mean to be hurtful but I'd be suspicious that he was scrabbling for an excuse for leaving and/or having an affair. You know with somebody who can coo over him because she is not exhausted raising his children single-handedly. People go about men abandoning their beautiful little children and they are missing out etc but some men just don't appreciate or like the mess and general lack of glamour that young children bring and can't wait to get out once they realise the reality of life for a considerable time. I am not saying this is acceptable or excusable but just the reality of the situation for some people.

Can you get a cleaner in? Is there anything you can stop doing especially if it's something for him. Easier meals? Any mod cons that you could get to to make life easier like a waste disposal unit, dishwasher, clothes dryer if you don't already have those things. I'd be remembering that statement and in due course I'd be acting on it by getting a divorce.

I feel that no trad wife compliments and thanking him for any tiny contribution he makes will inspire him to share the load. I assume if you say, "What big muscles you have, you are such a manly man" his response will not be to tell you to sit down and he'll deal with the laundry while showing you how he can heft laundry with ease.