Not a good wife

[Catdogmouse1]

If your husband said the words you are a great mother, but not a good wife how would u feel?
For context 2 kids under 5 husband works away 7am to 7pm.... gets to fit in gym time in the evening
I do all child related stuff, sort the finances, house admin, medical stuff, cooking and cleaning, oh and work full time as well. He hardly lifts a finger round the house... but apparently i am not a good wife.
Then he has the nerve 2 ask me what i do 4 him and that he doesnt care about washing or cooking... he can do that himself.
Am i missing something?

Thing is, most men don’t want a second mother. The laundry, cooking, cleaning—those things often fly under their radar. They don't value them the way we do. The hard truth is, men really thrive on feeling respected and admired. It might seem frustrating, but stroking his ego a bit can work wonders. Compliment him, even if it’s for something small, and thank him for any contribution he makes, even if you’re doing it through gritted teeth or don't really mean it.

When a man feels capable and respected, his confidence gets a boost, which in turn motivates him to step up and do more. The best part? He’s not doing it out of a sense of duty, but because it genuinely makes him feel good about himself and the relationship. Then, you can start suggesting things he can do to help you out. It's even better if you can make it seem like it was his idea.

Catdogmouse1 · Today 22:23
Im going to have 2 leave him a list for next week.when he has 2 watch the kids... my normal childminders r off so he has had 2 take holidays 2 look after them... im back to work next week after time off 2 watch the kids. Think he may be frazzled by the time i get home and i wont even b away as long a day as him.

Firstly, no list, unless it's a deliberately long one listing all that you normally do (i.e. laundry, food shop, cleaning etc. but don't be helpful. Also, why the hell would you consider coming back at the usual time, rather than working late, going to the gym and out for drinks with friends. You don't need to do any of these things if you feel too tired. You could just go to the cinema and have a nap or sleep in your car if you have one.

I would stop doing everything for him. If he asks why just say “oh I can’t I’m no good at it”.

No, don't do this.

I know it’s not the point of the thread but what’s with all the 2’s instead of ‘to’.

For what it’s worth, he sounds like a ‘bad’ husband. Perhaps you should go out drinking for the evening and come home and tell him that.. Am sure he’ll really appreciate it (twat!).

Well, you're one up on him. He is neither a good father, not a good husband.

Hugs, Id guess he’s thinking back to the days before marriage when you had sex, brought him back eg a bar from the shop, had dates, did surprises for each other. As others said do men not know if there was an equal house in terms of housework and kids we’d be less tired and so have enthusiasm for being spontaneous having fun etc. someone has to adult!!!

On the contrary, leave him a bloody long list. Make sure that everything you would usually do is on the list right down to cleaning the toilet. Rule in a column for him to tick it all off as he does it.

You beat me to it ! Rewarding him for being a twat.

Your husband's a fucking prick. Divorce him. You'll soon get your self-esteem and self-worth back after getting rid of this disrespectful shitty man.

Tell him you don't have time to be a "good wife" as you are too busy pulling his share of being a parent and provider (which is more than earning money)! The solution is that he steps up and then you'll cuddle up!

When he has to look after the kids when he is off, and you come home earlier than he would normally, make sure he makes the tea and cleans up etc for a few days and on the last night, when he is shattered (after just a few days) ...wake him up at farrow fart and jump on him and see how he reacts!

He’s not your partner really is he. I cannot believe you do all that AND work full time. Whilst he does nothing for the home/family workload. I do all the jobs you list but I’m not working (in paid employment I mean!!) and DH does some things at home. He’s just a passenger in your family basically.
Agree he probably means he’s not getting as much sex as he wants. Would give me the ick even more than him being such a lazy useless person tbh!!! I dread to ask how your finances are organised.. if they’re shared I’d start getting paid help to do the housework. If he won’t help you out then he can pay for his share of it.

Tell his dad on him - or worse tell your mum!

Time to go away for a few days (or even a week) on your own so he can see exactly how much easier you make his life.

I’m aware of the boiling frog analogy.

Imagine you are that frog. And then, one day, you actually realise that you are being boiled alive.

What would you do?

Would you say ‘oh well, it’s probably cold outside, I’ll just stay here until I boil to death even though that is a really slow and painful and agonising death’.

Or would you post on MumsNet to confirm the temperature of the water is the problem, not a menopausal hot flush, and then figure out how to jump out of the boiling water?

Doesn’t sound like he’s being much of a husband come to that. Leaves all the parenting to you during the week. Why isn’t he sharing the load? He sounds like a selfish prick.

@Catdogmouse1 - please don’t do the horrible surrendered wife bullshit which is being suggested up thread. He doesn’t need his ego massaged. He doesn’t need to be made to feel like a hero for behaving like a proper adult and doing some parenting. He just needs to step up.

Doesn't he bore you to death with the inane shit coming from his mouth.

I honestly don't know how you have the energy to listen to his crap let alone repeat it and ask for clarity.

The man is worthless.

Find a grown up.

@Catdogmouse1 OP my partner works 65 hour weeks and I work part time, he does his share of the housework, cooking and bathes our son every night and shares putting him to bed - because he loves his child and wants to spend time with him more than just at the weekend and he knows we are a team. Your husband has NO excuse for treating you like this and you need to have serious words with him so he wakes tf up. Don’t waste your life with someone who doesn’t appreciate you - I learnt this from my mum who did everything for my dad only for him to have an affair and leave her in her 50s. (Not saying this will happen to you, but wake him up that you guys are a team, and you will be happier and you guys will have happier times together if he picks up his fair share of the load) All the best, you got this gal x

Why does he get to fit in gym time in the evening instead of doing childcare and housework at least half of the time while you get to do something for yourself in the evening? He's a twat who doesn't pull his weight.

@Catdogmouse1 i think some men really struggle after kids not having your u devoted attention and seeing you give most of your energy to the kids. It’s totally natural but some clearly weren’t prepared for it and so give their wives hassle for not doting on them

@babyproblems Your comment struck a cord with me, when my father cheated on my mother (after tens of years of her running his life for him), she went to a neighbours house heartbroken and upset, and over a wine the neighbour said to her “he was only ever a passenger in your life” and she said it changed her whole perspective and gave her a defiance to know she would be okay with out him. Hopefully those who have sent supportive messages to OP help her see she is defiant and she is more than capable to know she can push back and challenge this toxic behaviour he has displayed ❤️

Your husband thinks that when you gained the title of wife that he also gained and skivvy typical man

I would make time to do whatever you want after work and come home reeeeeeally late, so that he has to do the children ‘s sorting himself

”Am I missing something?”

Yeah. A decent husband and partner.