To feel judged when I tell people I’m a stay at home mum?

[Staraa]

To the point where I have actually started lying about it to avoid raised eyebrows! The last few times I have been asked what I do and I’ve said I’m a stay at home mum I’ve been met with hostility. I get it’s not the norm anymore and I’m very grateful I’m in a position that allows me to do this and aware circumstances could change that at any time, but I didn’t realise it was so frowned upon! I’ve had jokes made about not paying tax, I’ve had jokes made about claiming benefits which I don’t apart from DLA which is for my son, not me (my son is severwly Autistic). I found working very difficult, even part time because my son doesn’t sleep very well so I’m always shattered as he requires care at night and also doesn’t cope well in school so I often get phone calls to come pick him up and what job can you constantly leave in the middle of a shift because your son is having a meltdown? I cba getting into it with people now so when they ask do I work I just say I still am in the school I worked in when I’m not. Does any other SAHMs experience this?

People are arseholes. Especially to women with children.

I got accused of child cruelty for going back to work by one of my dad's friends. Not kidding, he actually said the words "it's child cruelty for a mother to go back to work and abandon a child and leave him in an institution" i.e. a lovely run of the mill nursery lol.

Appreciate it's not what you asked but thought I'd share this to let you know there is just so much judgment no matter what you do, keep your head high. You sound lovely and your son is lucky to have you.

To quote Abraham Lincoln - “all that I am I owe to my angel mother”

Now I understand in this economy not every can be a SAHM - but one of the biggest factors in our broken society is that we don’t have as many as we used to.

You are doing a more important job than the CEO of Microsoft - and don’t let anybody tell you any different.

No, I was a SAHM for over 15 years and never felt judged.

Probably because I have a firm 'fuck off' look in my eyes 😁

Looking after a child under school age is a job. if the child is over school age but causes you not to sleep then I can appreciate how work would be difficult.

You cannot be in 2 places at once and nurseries, nannies and childminders are paid to do it. If you became a nanny to someone else’s child then they would say you had a job.

People will judge women for everything! Have kids, don’t have kids, sahm, works long hours. I remember a sahm being really sniffy about a another mum we knew who worked in a very male dominated industry, I admire her greatly but this other mum was acting like she was neglecting her child.

People tend to assume I’m stupid when they find out I’m a SAHM. Equally a lot of women get judged for continuing to work at the same pace as they did pre-kids.

Don’t let it get to you

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=htGAdlkStv8&pp=ygUSV29tZW4gc2F5IGZ1Y2sgb2Zm

I know mothers with severely autistic children and it’s tough for you, you can’t be all things to all people. Your situation is that you really don’t have much choice as you say, if anyone can’t understand that then fuck them.

Can you say you are in the special education field to get women off your back? People could be incredibly judgmental

A mother's place is in the wrong.

Just have the courage of your convictions. You know you've made the right decision for your family and that's what matters.

(Hopefully this isn't just today's Wind 'em up and let 'em go SAHM thread.)

Welcome to Motherhood. Someone, somewhere thinks you're doing it wrong.

Please try to let it wash over you. People are horribly judgemental of mothers and you can't win whatever you do.

Nobody would tell a nanny that he/she doesn't have a proper job. Nobody would tell a paid carer of a disabled child that they do not have a proper job. You are doing both of these jobs, and probably many more besides. Your crime is simply being a mother.

None of their business. You do what's right for you and your family. You can't win in this life; dammed if you do, dammed if you don't! My aunt blames the Tories for forcing women back into work 🤷‍♀️ Says she, who has never properly worked in 67 years of life, but will quite happily claim whatever benefits are on offer!

OP, it's your life, stuff the judgy arseholes!

If you feel so strongly you're telling lies, why not just tell them the truth in a way they're unlikely to criticise. Tell them you're a carer for your son, which you are.

I've never encountered this as a sahm.

Who are you talking to?

People probably do judge me for being a SAHM.

But that's non of my business what other people think of me.

My business is making me and my children happy, and I'm very much succeeding!

Don't ever feel like you have to make up a job. Looking after children is very important and looking after disabled children is the work of angels. Just be proud and happy.

I think people get judged no matter what they do. Im a sahm and have an autistic child too but i was a sahm before he was born so i wanted to be home with them anyway if i could. People dont understand that there's alot of sacrifice involved to put your children first. It can hit a raw nerve on some ppl who are wondering what theyre working for if theyre not left with much after paying for childcare etc. not everyone has free childcare from family. I used to feel defensive but now i just say im doing whats best for the kids. If i wanted to work, i would have to pay for an extra person within the childcare setting to be a 1:1 to my autistic child. There isnt even anything like that available where i live. Luckily im happy being a sahm even though it is hard. Been doing this 8 years. Theres alot of comparison being sahm and working mums but the reality is theres pros and cons to both and neither has it all.

Yes, I've been a sahm for 8 years and people definitely judge, although often not to your face.

I have also gone down the route of fibbing and inventing a wfh role (it's not actually a lie as I had a hobby business which I'm still a director of, but I barely put any hours into it now). It's easier than ever to have a phantom job as so many people wfh or are self-employed, people have no idea based on the way you dress or being at home in the day. No guilt about it as people shouldnt be judging in the first place!

Tell them you’re a carer. Which you are. And avoid judgy arseholes. They’re judgy, and arseholes.

I hear you OP! I'm a SAHM. When I meet a parent at a playgroup and they ask what I do and I say I'm a SAHM they either don't acknowledge it or raise their eyebrows and say 'that's nice.'

Best one yet was a friend of mine went back to work two days a week after her maternity leave and said 'sorry but being a working mum is so much harder than staying home with a baby.'

Btw - I've done both. And both are fucking hard.

But this is motherhood OP! We're all doing it wrong somewhere apparently.

Just do what I do: smile, wave and perfect that resting bitch face

People judge mothers to be in the wrong no matter what they do.

Sometimes it's an insecurity about their own decisions.

I now do a big smile (different situation HE kids of primary & secondary age) & say "it works for our family". I DGAF what other people thing because this was genuinely the best thing for us.

Work on your Paddington hard stare 💐

"People dont understand that there's alot of sacrifice involved to put your children first." [sic]

And right there, in a nutshell, is the reason for 'conflict' between WOHMs and SAHMs....

People are horrible about everything any woman does these days, and the worst for throwing around criticism of women is, sadly, other women.

For being a SAHM I’ve had said to my face that I’m selfish, must have no dignity, lazy, told they could never depend on a man. , Asked what I do all day (when my DC were all under 3 years old) - because apparently some women believe they have the superpower to be both in work all day and at the exact same time be home all day looking after their children 🙄.

I have the double whammy of also having long term health conditions, and other women have had a field day with that too.

Everyone has an opinion on everyone these days, but the only opinion that really matters is your own.

I think it depends who you spend time with. I'm not a SAHM but I've been told I think more about money than my kids and they don't know why I had them.

I mum friend of mine thinks people think she's had her kids too young and judge her. She's early 20s. One of us think anything of the sort. I think it's how she perceives herself.

You just need to have confidence in the decision you have made and ignore them.

I gave up paid work to care for my DD who was severely disabled. I only once experienced a shock reaction from someone who asked what job I did for a living when I replied that I didn't work. It wasn't a situation where I wanted or needed to explain my situation or needed to justify myself. I knew that caring for DD I worked a lot harder and more hours than most people in paid employment and all for the paltry carers allowance. Being a parent to a disabled child is a 24/7 365 days a year job. You are on call all the time even when they are at school, and when they're at school you're wading through mountains of admin that comes with having a child with a disability.
So you're answer is not that you don't work. Your work extremely hard - you just don't get paid for it.

I'd say own your space. You can pick a few phrases to be armed with when people ask what you do. Dont put yourself down or apologise - stand up and look them in the eye. E.g.

I made the decision not to do a paid job for the time being as I'm focussed on prioritising the care/health of my child.

I am a SAHM and haven’t experienced this kind of negativity. People who know me well understand exactly why I don’t work, and it doesn’t really come up in conversation much tbh.

Having said that, I have four under six, so maybe people just assume I’m on permanent maternity leave 😂

Ignore it. They aren’t living your life.