To feel judged when I tell people I’m a stay at home mum?

[Staraa]

To the point where I have actually started lying about it to avoid raised eyebrows! The last few times I have been asked what I do and I’ve said I’m a stay at home mum I’ve been met with hostility. I get it’s not the norm anymore and I’m very grateful I’m in a position that allows me to do this and aware circumstances could change that at any time, but I didn’t realise it was so frowned upon! I’ve had jokes made about not paying tax, I’ve had jokes made about claiming benefits which I don’t apart from DLA which is for my son, not me (my son is severwly Autistic). I found working very difficult, even part time because my son doesn’t sleep very well so I’m always shattered as he requires care at night and also doesn’t cope well in school so I often get phone calls to come pick him up and what job can you constantly leave in the middle of a shift because your son is having a meltdown? I cba getting into it with people now so when they ask do I work I just say I still am in the school I worked in when I’m not. Does any other SAHMs experience this?

Plus you are never going to have those years back. Enjoy the time you have with your child. Work when you have to. I was never financially dependant on my husband because we had a joint account - his money was also mine, no questions asked. I spent what I wanted to. Enjoy being a SAHM and ignore those who are probably just jealous that you afford to be one. An occupation is not the measure of your purpose.

This. All of this.

How many options do you think parents of severely autistic children have to 'do something with their life'? There is usually no wrap around childcare, no holiday clubs, many of our children spend extended time out of school due to lack of school places, frequent appointments? We are often up umteen times at night, our children, even when at school age, still need intense support and help with all sorts of aspect of their life, we provide many many hours of unpaid care even when they are in school. How easy do you think it is???

Well, I never was a SAHM but I would simply say, 'My son's needs mean it's hard for me to work right now'. The end.

Trust me, OP. Working mums get a very healthy pile of judgement too. You can’t win.

You don’t have to lie because you can say you are a carer - which you are. Different to being a SAHM.

If the money you were spending was provided by your husband - and you didn't have enough of your own income to sustain your lifestyle without him - then you were dependent on him. The fact you didn't have to ask for the money doesn't mean you weren't dependent on him providing it.

You know some real arse holes!

SAHMs are not that unusual where I have lived.

To make snarky comments to any SAHM is rude. But to do it to the parent of a severely disabled child is utterly revolting and really quite thick Sorry you have met such arseholes OP.

My view is both parents have a better life if one parent is a SAHP. I’m not able to be a SAHM but I’d do it in a heartbeat if I could.

People judge whatever, so do what works for you and your family and don't worry about what others say. I've worked full time since DS was 1 and I get judged a lot- I don't care!

People judge others for all kinds of things.

why do you care?

There are people who can't leave the house without feeling judged

If you are not doing anything wrong why would it matter?

Where are you meeting all these weird judgemental people? I was bored stiff when I was (briefly) a SAHM, but I like it when people who are SAHMs tell me about their lives and what they get up to with the kids. It's a different way of life, and that's always interesting.

I was supported by Home Start when my children (one disabled ) were under five. It was a godsend That is very valuable work.

I think if we feel guilty or embarrassed of our choice it's easy to feel people are judging you, but they probably aren't. I felt awful sending ds to nursery first of all so was sensitive to comments about people not raising their own children anymore etc... But it was really comments I read not actually heard in real life. But I internalised it and assumed people thought that way about me.
In reality though of mum's I've become friends with there was only 1 stay at home mum of maybe around 20 mum's I know. And she has been working a bit since her youngest got his 30 free hours so wasn't a permanent decision. I think sahms are rare now because life is expensive and also dad's are more involved. I know many families where mum and dad both have a day a week at home with their pre-school age children.

I live by the mantra ‘unless you are paying my bills don’t give me your opinion’.

Having a working husband is an income for her but her having a job is an income too. You could lose either at any point it’s true.Being dependant as a team effort has to also include a backup plan that she would have to get a job or I guess benefits if the husbands income stopped for whatever reason.

Agree but in reality if benefits are concerned, people do have an opinion as taxpayers in how it’s being spent. Not talking about op situation here, more about when ppl could work but won’t.

if it is a couple and one works and provides for the family, it’s nobody’s business.

@coldcallerbaiter it's virtually impossible to get benefits to be a SAHM if you are in a relationship with someone who works so you don't have to worry there.

I've been a "stay at home wife" for 8 years no kids so they would probably judge me as well but seriously who cares. I have my own money and its nobodies business how we run our lives.

I do not understand why anyone would judge not handing your child to someone else because that is their job, so you can go and do a job.

If you cannot afford not to work, fine. If you can afford it and want to
then great.

Those saying I was bored stiff, really? Are you so intellectual that you cannot play with, take out and look after your own child? How condescending, I had the best education, a good degree and a management job. I gave it up for a while and I now miss those days but will always have my memories of being with them at every step and dh says he wishes he could have more time but he was working. Honestly part time work for both parents would have been ideal. If we had our time again now, knowing how quick it goes, we would have tried to do that.

This is true and to be honest I was side tracked by others not in the same situation as the op. I know its not as straight forward in that case of just choosing not to work but as being a carer for a dependent.

No one owes anyone their children's medical history.

Also people with shitty attitudes towards SAHMs very often have shitty attitudes to the disabled and carers too.

At my school, the mums that get judged the most seems to be those who work full time, and those who are stay at home. Those who work part time seem to be seen as having got the balance right. I suspect it's because most mums are part time in our school but views might be different in a school where mothers don't work, or work full time.

You must have realised by now that as a woman you are going to be judged. You'll be judged for staying home. You'll be judged for working. You'll be judged for how you do your hair, or how your smile looks. You're a woman, you can't do anything right to everyone. So give up trying or caring now or you'll have a tough time in motherhood and beyond. You may as well do what you want to do, because you'll never please everyone, and who do you want to please anyway?

I end up having to tell people I'm 'medically retired' (since age 37?!) in order to avoid saying I'm a benefits claimant who's on the sick. Most people I know wouldn't dream of making judgement but with strangers you never know sadly!
Some people are just rude and judgemental.
If you don't want to say, just talk about your career before/job you had last.
I think it's probably jealously if you don't need to work. Strangely if you said you were seeking work, but not currently working then that would be deemed less offensive?
My mum was a sahm til I went to secondary school, and it was great to be able have so much time and attention from her.