To feel judged when I tell people I’m a stay at home mum?

[Staraa]

To the point where I have actually started lying about it to avoid raised eyebrows! The last few times I have been asked what I do and I’ve said I’m a stay at home mum I’ve been met with hostility. I get it’s not the norm anymore and I’m very grateful I’m in a position that allows me to do this and aware circumstances could change that at any time, but I didn’t realise it was so frowned upon! I’ve had jokes made about not paying tax, I’ve had jokes made about claiming benefits which I don’t apart from DLA which is for my son, not me (my son is severwly Autistic). I found working very difficult, even part time because my son doesn’t sleep very well so I’m always shattered as he requires care at night and also doesn’t cope well in school so I often get phone calls to come pick him up and what job can you constantly leave in the middle of a shift because your son is having a meltdown? I cba getting into it with people now so when they ask do I work I just say I still am in the school I worked in when I’m not. Does any other SAHMs experience this?

Not really. My ex boss makes the odd moan about me not paying tax whilst having 2 tax payer funded degrees and would quite like a policy to drag me back to work...failing that he'd settle for conscription or making me pay my fees back.

I've had the odd faux concern about my gilded cage along with "I can't imagine what you do all day" but given I started studying for another degree when dc1 was 8 months old and I do a variety of charity work including chairing a board of Trustees and volunteering with Home Start, I find that easy enough to ignore whilst thinking "well you lack imagination then".

For me, it wasn't so much a choice rather than a consequence of being very ill postnatally but ultimately other people's opinions are just that...opinions. They only have the power to hurt if you let them.

I tell people I'm still a nursery nurse because I don't want to explain to someone I have barely met about my DS severe needs. Nor do I want to be judged. I already feel judged by my extended family, I don't need it from people in the street.
YANBU to feel it's easier to lie but it's not fair that SAHPs feel so undervalued.

I have no idea how to quote something in bold but that first sentence sums up motherhood - damned if you do, damned if you don’t, so just do whatever makes your life easier.!

I'm really surprised people still have these attitudes.

In my support group of parents of children with disabilities and high needs autism I would say only a quarter of the mums work. It's incredibly difficult when you are a carer.

How lovely 🥺

I think it’s because in those circumstances you’re a carer as well as a SAHM which is even less conducive to paid work, if that makes sense? Most mums I know work, but none of the mums I know who also care for disabled children have “paid” work.

Seems odd that you’re encountering repeated ‘hostility’ about the choices you’ve made for your family.

Who on earth are you having these sorts of hostile conversations with on a regular basis?

@Nottodaythankyou123
Yes agree, but doesn't the OP say her son has severe autism? That's why I was so surprised.

Yeah I don’t understand the judgment - I wouldn’t actually say OP is just a SAHM, she’s a carer, not that it would be ok to judge without the caring element either but just I guess that usually once kids are school age it’s not really necessary to stay off, it’s a luxury (one I’m quite jealous of) so maybe that’s why people feel they can make shitty comments without realising she’s also a carer.

I never expect women to work and I used to hate men asking what I do for work. If they ask just say no or I don't work it shouldn't need an explanation

👏👏👏

Judgemental & wrong - two of the biggest factors in our broken society

Just say you're SAHM as your child needs you at home right now. In the end it's your choice and no one else's business. Although, I've had a couple of self righteous SAHM's dig me about working, and the age I had my children!!! So it goes both ways.

I was SAHM for 8 years for two SEN DC. I'm now working PT & the difference in attitude when asked what I do is massive. I'm earning min wage but apparently that has more worth than my children getting the support they need to be independent adults. We're struggling with getting everything done, therapies, etc. so I find it sad caring is now so unacceptable. We need the money so no choice!!

I found working very difficult, even part time because my son doesn’t sleep very well so I’m always shattered as he requires care at night and also doesn’t cope well in school so I often get phone calls to come pick him up and what job can you constantly leave in the middle of a shift because your son is having a meltdown

@Staraa - sounds like being a SAHM is a necessity rather than a luxury or privilege.
You just need to do what works best for your DC, you and your family as a whole - what that looks like often changes with time.

I remember feeling like this when I was a SAHM. People used to treat me as if I was bit thick or like a sub-human. I've been back at work for a number of years now in a senior role and to be honest I still get treated as if I'm stupid. I think it's what we pay for being women... society is still very misogynistic and women generally can't win. I get raised eyebrows now because I work and am not solely focused on the children!

I think its depends on your appearances . I’m a sAHM and never feel judged. People always says how lucky i am that i can stay at home and DH provide enough. We dont want to sound snob but i dont know how to put it without sound snobby. Basically i look like i got money, i drive range rover and i always looks nice. Maybe people who judge you think that you are doing nothing at home and only claiming benefits. Because to be honest i am judging people who doing nothing, not disabled or anything and being a sahm but claiming benefits.

I’ll be talking to someone (a mum or a dad) and be saying something about my job. To show interest in them (and not talk about myself) I’ll ask what sometimes ask what they do. When they say SAHM or SAHD, my response can be delayed as I think of how to relate. No offence meant, of course!

Sorry that you’re feeling judged. No advice, but wanted you to know that I sympathise. I normally get told that they could never be dependent on a man and have to ask for money (I’m actually in charge of all finances and don’t have to ask for anything) or they say now bored they’d be if they were a SAHM, implying that I must be brain dead to find the role fulfilling.

I just shrug it off now. I have the upmost respect for working mums, I don’t know how they do everything that I do and have a career as well - incredible.

Sadly some of the people I come across can be thoughtless and judgemental.

Wow 🙄.

I was going to say something similar.

I work and almost every parent I know does too. When someone says they are a SAHM, it just takes me by surprise, it's not common in London any more at all.

Of all of my friends from school and uni, cousins, acquaintances and work colleagues, only two became SAHMs. I have a wide family circle. I have lots of close friends, and work colleagues. My sister worked pt for a while. She was the only one I knew who did.

When you get to pension age, as I am close to, you will be glad you worked FT, and your children won't suffer one jot!

Bully for you.

We're all different OP.

In my world, a SAHM is someone with preschoolers. Beyond that, you're a housewife, homemaker or unemployed.

People judge working mum's for not spending enough time with their children.

Mother's never escape judgement.

Only on MN. In real life people are in awe that I can do it (everyone is very open saying what a hard job it it, and they wouldn't be able to do it). Don't worry about what other people think, people like that will judge for whatever reason they can, it's their issue, not yours

See to me comments like this are people projecting. "Never be dependent on a man" 🙄 We have a joint bank account, and I buy whatever I want, the house is under both of our names too 🤷‍♀️