To feel judged when I tell people I’m a stay at home mum?

[Staraa]

To the point where I have actually started lying about it to avoid raised eyebrows! The last few times I have been asked what I do and I’ve said I’m a stay at home mum I’ve been met with hostility. I get it’s not the norm anymore and I’m very grateful I’m in a position that allows me to do this and aware circumstances could change that at any time, but I didn’t realise it was so frowned upon! I’ve had jokes made about not paying tax, I’ve had jokes made about claiming benefits which I don’t apart from DLA which is for my son, not me (my son is severwly Autistic). I found working very difficult, even part time because my son doesn’t sleep very well so I’m always shattered as he requires care at night and also doesn’t cope well in school so I often get phone calls to come pick him up and what job can you constantly leave in the middle of a shift because your son is having a meltdown? I cba getting into it with people now so when they ask do I work I just say I still am in the school I worked in when I’m not. Does any other SAHMs experience this?

I do not understand why anyone would judge not handing your child to someone else because that is their job, so you can go and do a job.

Case in point.

See OP. No point.

I play with, take out and look after DC but the majority of it is incredibly dull. Especially when on maternity leave and it was nothing but doing that.

It’s better now that I’m back to work.

Like others have said women get judged no matter what they do.
my (horrible) ExSIL was a SAHM and said loudly at a family gathering that “she was all about her kids and home and Twinkle is all about her career”. We both had kids of the same age.
For reference at the time I was working in the NHS full time on the wards of a local hospital rather than flying off internationally doing exciting and glamorous business things. Not that there would have been anything wrong with that either.

I think there is a big slice of women that think you should keep your foot in the door of work when you have children and go back as soon as possible, mainly for the independent money. It’s a fair point but it doesn’t suit everyone.

@Staraa ive found it to be very situational. I live in a village which is fairly wealthy. It’s the norm to be a SAHM there. So much so the school doesn’t offer breakfast/ooh clubs and there is no childcare locally as there is no need. I have also lived in a suburban well off area where almost all the school mums worked and it was not the norm to be SAHM and there it was all about how they were role-modelling strong working female ethics for their children. So it very much depends on what the women you are talking to do. Each group believes their role to be best. Very rarely do you get the inbetween where people don’t actually care. As long as you are all happy that’s all that counts. That’s where I am. I’ve been both. In your shoes OP I totally get why you don’t work. Not that anyone has to if they choose not to and can afford their lifestyle. You do you.

What made a difference looking back for me was a friend group, same age babies, met at class for first time mums. We went out together, or did coffee mornings, chatted while they played, we all went back to work and/or had subsequent children, supported each other. Still together now, a few moved away but stayed in touch, but we have nights out instead and booze not tea! One of my group died this year, literally broke my heart.

Also, everyone is different.

I actually really enjoy my job and find it interesting and fulfilling. I don't really have lots of hobbies and I am not good at relaxing.

For me, it's a no brainer to work. And I know some people will be judgy about that and all "well, how boring are you that you prefer work to leisure" but that's just the way I am.

I think it's partly ADHD for me, I don't do well with no structure to my day, I sort of stagnate.

I can already see that in retirement, I will need to keep going with some freelance work and/or some chunky volunteering commitments

I think people like to see others mirror back their own life choices as a way of reinforcing they made the "right choice". If someone does something different it can feel like something of an affront to them because it says look there is a different way to do life and that can create an uncomfortable feeling, it isn't that they necessarily made the wrong choice by working or being a stay at home mother but they just feel uncomfortable when presented with this alternative maybe a tiny niggle like "am I missing out on my kids childhood by working full time" or "am I being a poor role model by not working" and so on. I think these shades of emotion are pretty normal especially with motherhood which is such a difficult balance to strike and as others have pointed out judged no matter what.

One way to dissipate these uncomfortable feelings is to attack the person who has made a different choice, to point out how "they don't contribute to society or aren't a good role model" or they say "you just outsource the care of your child to someone else, why even have kids if you are just going to let childminders raise them". In a way what they are really doing is trying to alleviate uncomfortable feelings within themselves, if they actually felt 100% fine in their choice they would likely not be fussed about what you do. Essentially what you are dealing with is a lot of shadow boxing.

Say whatever you want, especially if it's to random strangers which I assume it is or lying seems a bit strange. Can't imagine it's a regular reaction, I never experienced it. Why do you care what strangers think?

I don't judge but I do worry about SAHM friends and I do also feel a bit sorry for them because it's quite isolating.

I worry because I saw my parents split up and my SAHM have to try and find independence after over a decade of financial dependence. It was terrible and she's never found a job worthy of her intellect since stepping out of the workplace, which has massively affected her self esteem and her finances.

I work for that reason (though I did make sure I could be self employed and stay home part time when they were babies and toddlers). I also think it's a good example to my daughter that life is for every human being to live as a capable, independent person, not for women to find a man and then be dependent.

I think @bounceball is absolutely spot on. I wouldn’t dream of criticising women who choose to work full time with young children. It’s none of my business frankly.

It is worth bearing in mind that some women who are SAHP aren’t in any danger of poverty if their marriage breaks down. In my case, DH is the one who chooses to work when financially he doesn’t need to (I have independent wealth)

Funny how nobody ever criticises him for doing that and not staying home with our four young DC isn’t it. It’s always women who are doing it all wrong! 😡

I'm a sahm and no, I haven't experienced this at all. Most people understand that different people have different circumstances ime.
It doesn't even come up very often tbh.
A couple of times people have tried to pin me down on what I "do" out of what I strongly suspect was sheer nosiness but they weren't quite brave enough to ask outright but if someone is chatting and asks I will just say I'm looking after dc ft at the moment.
I actually have a hidden disability and wasn't working pre dc anyway. I wouldn't care if anyone judged me for not working, they don't know my background and I'm not going to volunteer my life story or justify myself to them.

I found it boring and not because I'm intellectual because I'm not! I just find doing children's activities boring.

Sure but you only know that quote because Lincoln wasn't a stay at home dad. If anything the quote underlines the importance of getting out to work.

Wow! see there it is…

So you have 30-40 years to work but it really also has to be work full time when you have small children too?

People judge everyone!

I worked 15 hours a week (in the evening) so was at home during the day, even when our children were in primary school. It suited our life style and made life easier for everyone, I HAD a friend who would text at lunchtime
“ are you still in bed”
“what do you do all day”
“I’ll work all the shifts I can and you can just be as lady of leisure”
“are you out your pjs today”

it’s just plain ignorance and jealousy.
my life was probably busier than hers between the children, the house, the children’s club, dh working away at times, working etc.

Staying at home with your kids is not an easy option. You don't work defined hours, have holidays or even coffee breaks. On a bad day, they into your head and scramble your brains.

Bringing up the Next Generation is the most important job anyone will ever do.

Be proud of what you are doing. Don't let people make you feel a lesser person.

If anyone was disapproving I'd just and say that's such a working class attitude-that will soon shut them up. People disapprove because they can't afford to do it themselves-just ignore them, they are envious and petty- what you do with your life is your affair, get new friends.

Abandon ?

Ha - he sounds like a neanthedral threatened by women in the workplace

jerk

I always feel delighted when parents (who can) want to be SAH parents. Childhood passes so quickly and all too soon it’s over. I was SAH until divorce then working single parent, but I loved being with my DC and never wished the long holidays away.
What other people think is irrelevant. You could always say ’I’m a home and childcare operative ;)

What does being working class have to do with anything? That's just as much of a dick thing to say.

Hold your head up - ignore any negative vibes.

I’m a SAHM and I often feel I’m being judged but I’m not sure I ever am. I think it’s more about how I feel myself about announcing it. People always try to find the right thing to say, which is often “that’s such an important job”. I just feel patronised by that. They were obviously just thinking “it’s such a menial job, how can I smooth this over?” (No particular comment is a better reaction, in case anyone’s wondering.)

I chose it myself and it IS an extremely important job. I have no regrets. But whatever path you choose in life, you miss out on other stuff. Being a SAHM involves lots of drudgery, so it’s hard to feel impressive.

I feel a bit shamefaced about it in a way, because historically women have often been obliged to be SAHMs. By being one, I am not taking advantage of the opportunities of feminism. If society still “expected” me to be one I would HATE to be one. It is only the fact that so many women do other things which allows me to feel I have chosen it and not been forced into it, and I am therefore happy to do it. Which I also feel shamefaced about, because lots of women are doing other things because they can’t afford not to. Which means I am in an insanely luxurious position to be able to afford it and yet still to ride on their backs. Fortunately, lots of women are doing other things because they genuinely want to, which delights me!

It has everything to do with your income and your expectations- just ignoring it ,is of course an option, but way too mild in my opinion.
Commenting on the commentator is valid-they expressed an opinion about how you live your life, these sorts of comment are born of envy-just sitting back and taking it helps no one.

Working class doesn't mean low income.