To feel judged when I tell people I’m a stay at home mum?

[Staraa]

To the point where I have actually started lying about it to avoid raised eyebrows! The last few times I have been asked what I do and I’ve said I’m a stay at home mum I’ve been met with hostility. I get it’s not the norm anymore and I’m very grateful I’m in a position that allows me to do this and aware circumstances could change that at any time, but I didn’t realise it was so frowned upon! I’ve had jokes made about not paying tax, I’ve had jokes made about claiming benefits which I don’t apart from DLA which is for my son, not me (my son is severwly Autistic). I found working very difficult, even part time because my son doesn’t sleep very well so I’m always shattered as he requires care at night and also doesn’t cope well in school so I often get phone calls to come pick him up and what job can you constantly leave in the middle of a shift because your son is having a meltdown? I cba getting into it with people now so when they ask do I work I just say I still am in the school I worked in when I’m not. Does any other SAHMs experience this?

I'm a SAHM/carer (one 16 year old daughter who is autistic).
I don't give a toss what anyone else thinks.
That's the best attitude to have IMHO.

Tell people you’re a carer for your autistic son.

You get judged no matter what you do. If you work, you’re not putting your child first because you clearly prefer fancy cars and holidays.

@Staraa why don’t you claim carers allowance?

I've never been made to feel judged in person fortunately but I've definitely seen some nasty comments online directed towards SAHMs. Saying that, I have also seen an equal number of shitty comments aimed at working mums.

It's the same when it comes to how you choose to feed your baby or whether you decide to have children or not and on and on. Everything we do as mums and women is scrutinised and judged.

The worst thing about it all is that it's mostly women judging other women, everything would be so much better if we could support and respect eachother.

I feel judged as a mum who works full time as a team manager! Especially by the older generation. You have to do what is best for you. My only thought when I speak to a woman who is a SAHM is that I hope they have some safety net financially if their relationship ends, particularly if unmarried.

People can judge you for anything. My kids are grown up now but when I'd first went back to work (part time) after maternity leave, a colleague said they could never have allowed anyone else to look after their children - not necessarily directed at me but I was there. I felt guilty that I didn't even want to be a SAHM, even though we couldn't afford it anyway.

Tables have turned now and returning full time is commonplace. No one bewails how awful it is to send a baby / toddler to day nursery - not many anyway, but 20 years ago it wasn't something many did. (There were so few day nurseries then and we now have tons within our area.)

I'd say, be confident in who you are and why - don't lie out of shame!!!

PS I said "people" but it is mainly women.

We spent alot of our savings on ivf and so decided to spend a few years near family in a cheaper part of the world til he starts school as we can't afford nursery in London, where we were, on pir salaries minus the ivf spend. Gave up a gorgeous job, and don't always love being a stay at home mum when I've worked since I was 16. Literally the month my maternity leave was over and stay at home mum time kicked in, I was feeling especially bruised from having to officially leave a job I absolutely loved and leave my whole life behind, and the jibes and jokes from some family members kicked in about benefits and being a lay about. Couldn't believe it! Get the 90 pound child benefit a month and nothing else due to savings left over, we rent and we are frugal on one salary and they know I've always worked before, during and after uni. The insensitivity is insane and those people don't actually know how hard it is to be a sahm half the time without being looked down on or immediately demoted in people's eyes.

Chin up OP you've made the best decision for you and your family and the naysayers can do one!

It's changed. I really believe that.

A number of best friends are 10 years older and this is what they did. There were a number of them.

But I'm pretty much the only one for my son's peer group. And it's difficult.

No one can afford to do it anymore.

My eldest is 27. It wasn't uncommon amongst my friend group and colleagues to go back to work; in fact it was more the norm! I'm struggling to think of anyone who became a SAHM bar two! And they both went back to work in the end. One of my dearest friends took 20 years out of the workplace and is now worrying about her lack of pension.

Lots of mums don’t work. You might find getting childcare stressful so you are doing the best thing for DC. Just say you are his carer and he cannot go to childcare - yet! People define themselves by work. I used to but changed my mind. I tended to avoid the subject. Each to their own etc.

Please do not let what other people think effect you. You have a child with needs so most people wouldn't be able to appreciate what that is like and you are doing what is best for you and your family.

I'm a SAHM and I used to really let peoples opinions (which they were extremely vocal about) get to me. Funnily enough, once I changed my attitude towards my situation and stopped feeling guilty or 'bad' or pretending it wasn't what I wanted, so did theirs and then I stopped getting the nasty comments and got the 'oh I'm so jealous' comments. If you are happy with your situation and it is right for you, then don't worry about what other people think.

Full time carer for my severely disabled family member would perhaps incite less judgement.

You are an (albeit unpaid) carer. You cannot work as you have significant caring responses. I sometimes say I am a carer (2 DC with disabilities)🤷. Shuts people up.

Both DH and I are SAHM and SAHD and our two are 16 and 14 now. It's been lovely to be able to do the school runs and plays/parents eves together. No one has ever made any comments though. You may want to choose different company!

No, it wasn't uncommon but I did have friends who took several years off. And no one worked full time. In my eldest child's primary class there was only one mum I never saw at the school as she had her day off when I was at work. And lots didn't do the job they'd trained for. Eg worked as a receptionist for a local business. My eldest is 23..

A very good friend confessed to me recently that she feels judged by the other moms at her kid's nursery because she's chosen to return to work full time. You just can't win OP, so why try with these people? Grow a thick skin, raise your head high and be proud of your choices, you made them for a reason.

Are you sure they’re judging you? I work full time but if someone tells me they’re a SAHM I just think “that’s nice” and move on with my life. I don’t think I’d have as many follow up questions compared to if someone told me they worked. I wouldn’t be judging in either case but I just don’t know what a natural follow-up question would be to the news someone is a SAHM. If they were an acquaintance, I don’t think it’d be appropriate to ask what they did during the day if they were a parent of a school aged child. If they told me they worked I might ask where or whether they worked full time or how long they’d been doing it or if they knew a friend of mine who also worked there, etc.

Yes, you are judged. Some positively, a lot negatively (you can tell by the follow up questions), a few dont care.

I had someone ask ‘what DO you do all day?’, after I said I was a SAHM then they went on to say ‘ I couldn’t do it, I like to keep myself busy’.

Never saw on as a reflection on myself, more their poor social skills.

Don’t worry OP. We all get judged for something.

how is that even possible? How do you pay the bills???

Dont worry about it they judge you for being a working mum as well. You either work too much or too little. You cannot win. Just do what is correct for your family and everyone else can sod off.

I personally wouldn't give a shiny shit what anyone else thinks. But if it bothers you and you want an easy out of these conversations, just say you work from home. Which you do.

You’d get judged as an WOHM too, so you might as well do what works for you, and enjoy those things you find enjoyable about it.

Ignore them @Staraa they're jealous and bitter. As has been said, in the eyes of some people, women can't do a damn thing right! And SAHM's get the worst vitriol. Hate and vitriol aimed at SAHMs ALWAYS comes from a place of bitterness and jealousy.

If you worked full time you'd be judged for not being with your kid.