To feel judged when I tell people I’m a stay at home mum?

[Staraa]

To the point where I have actually started lying about it to avoid raised eyebrows! The last few times I have been asked what I do and I’ve said I’m a stay at home mum I’ve been met with hostility. I get it’s not the norm anymore and I’m very grateful I’m in a position that allows me to do this and aware circumstances could change that at any time, but I didn’t realise it was so frowned upon! I’ve had jokes made about not paying tax, I’ve had jokes made about claiming benefits which I don’t apart from DLA which is for my son, not me (my son is severwly Autistic). I found working very difficult, even part time because my son doesn’t sleep very well so I’m always shattered as he requires care at night and also doesn’t cope well in school so I often get phone calls to come pick him up and what job can you constantly leave in the middle of a shift because your son is having a meltdown? I cba getting into it with people now so when they ask do I work I just say I still am in the school I worked in when I’m not. Does any other SAHMs experience this?

I've been a sahm twice for a total of about 10 years. I don't think I've ever had a negative reaction, if I have I haven't noticed it 🤷

“What do even you do all day?”

What do these people pay good money for their Nannies to do all day?

Anyone being hostile toward you when you say you’re a SAHM is an asshole and not worth worrying about. Don’t censor yourself for them.

When you consider that most jobs are full of tasks that are pretty futile, that all the urgent and important minutiae is really actually meaningless to the world, it’s easier to appreciate that being a mum with a lot of time for her kids is a far more important contribution to the world than many occupations. Fuck em!

It depends. A stay at home mum until a child starts school absolutely. After that I think you should probably think what am I doing with my life?

Thats my opinion and judgement. No one really gets to say I’m wrong. You’re just going to have to accept it.

Very early (unplanned) retirement - DH had a health scare (all fine now) and I was caring for my parents who were both ill. Luckily we've been able to live off investment and rental income (I owned my own house outright when we met).

I'm a SAHM and have been for the last 6 years. I've felt judged occasionally but not to a huge extent.
I think the main issue comes from myself. I worry what people will say when actually, most people don't care.

I’m not a SAHM but I remember being a young mum and being met with hostility for having my daughter young. I hated it so much I either didn’t tell people I was a mum or acted like I was older than I was.

The tables turned for me when I became confident in being the young mum. Although most people have children later these days I just had to accept my life and be proud that I was parenting my child and doing my best. A decade later and I own my story.

Peooke will always be judgy when your lifestyle doesn’t suite their expectations- guess what it’s none of their business - and I hope you get to a stage where you proudly tell everyone you are a SAHM and own that part of you x

Don't lie and don't take any notice.
It's othibg to do with them.

What?? Why??

Are you sure you are not projecting? I don't care what other people do for work. I doubt others do. Can barely remember the specifics of what the parents at school do tbh. The SAHMs at school sometimes come across standoffish with me. Think the attitude is more about them than it is me. One in particular was initially complimentary about what I do for work and how in awe she was of working mums. I am friendly enough. Won't be losing any sleep over it. I have done nothing to warrant being ignored.

But why? If anything you're a mug working if you don't have to. I know I'd have much better things to do than work.

I'm shocked OP, these people must have serious issues to make those comments, I'd like to see them look after a severely autistic child and work as well! That wouldn't be the best thing for your child either. I would probably state this and make them feel uncomfortable and sheepish, as they should.

Could you reframe it and tell people that you are a carer for your disabled child? Which is essentially what you wrote in your post.

I know women could be a stay at home mum so I don't assume. Idk I just felt it was rude, always men, just offhandedly expecting me to work when I was looking after a young child

I've not encountered judgement against married/coupled women who've made the choice to be a SAHM.
But I see it against single mothers, on benefits.
Apparently, the advantages/disadvantages, of having a parent present, depends on status.

Really?

If you do and if bothers you you could say you are an FT carer to your SN child

Depends on the work I guess

People can be rude and unthinking.

I don’t judge women who don’t work if that’s their choice, but I am concerned for them. Mostly for financial reasons, but I also get most of my intellectual stimulation and sense of purpose and fulfillment from my career so I’d feel bad for people who don’t get to have that.

No one in my recent family line has been a SAHM, though. My great grandmother worked because my great grandfather died in WW2, my grandmother worked until she was 70 because she was a professional baker and wouldn’t give up until she physically couldn’t anymore, and my Mum has worked full time since she was 16. She became a single Mum at 27. She’s just about to retire now at 68. It’s possible that a lot of people just can’t imagine being able to be a SAHM.

If you have a disabled child being a carer is essentially your job, don’t be so hard on yourself.

I can tell you now as a working mum of children with no additional needs...that is hard enough!.I can only get away with so much. I can't even begin to imagine trying to juggle work around a child with a disability. It just isn't possible. Don't even contemplate feeling bad about being a stay at home mother. You can afford it. Why do you need to justify this?!! Just tell the truth. You are staying at home with your children because that is where they need you, and your husband fully supports this. I'm so sorry you've experienced backlash from this. There is nothing to be ashamed of, being a SAHM. 50 years ago this would have been the norm!

Most people don’t have the luxury of choice - once kids reach school age being a SAHM is entirely a luxury (obviously if the child has SEN or disabilities that’s different) because let’s face it the people you’re staying at home for aren’t actually there. BUT I’m not judgmental of that, just incredibly jealous 😂 (I will judge those who stay at home past the school years relying on the benefit system to fund them - there’s a WhatsApp group in our area where people trade tips on how to exploit the system. I guess though that’s judging benefit fraud rather than SAHM 🤷🏼‍♀️)

I think mums get judged whatever they do. If they work full time and put their children into full time nursery care some will judge. If they don’t work some will judge. I work one day a week and definitely also feel the judgement from others too and get told to enjoy the rest of my week off… (with two young children to look after all week I wish!)

The only time I've seen anyone raise an eyebrow was when a friend of ours described herself as a SAHM.

Her one dc, no disabilities, is 16 & is out all the time (she herself manages to fit job in around school).

The mum is a housewife/unemployed but doesn't want to call it that.

You are a carer for a disabled DC.

I think in your position if you want to reflect your reality I'd say I'm a sahm and a carer, I have a special needs son. It is hard working when you have a child that wakes up in the night (single mum to toddler here!) and if I could postpone working until he sleeps better I would do so

Take no notice. I've been a SAHM, a part time worker and a full time worker before my two were adult. I have a friend who worked FT and her husband was a SAHD and she got a lot of negative comments. Why?
Please just state that you are doing a very important job - bringing up your child - it's hard and unforgiving.

You're not an SAHM, though.

You're a carer for a disabled child.

Not that if you were there would be anything wrong with that . Nor it would be anyone else's business but you and your family!

Let them judging pass a single day in your shoes see how they cope.

It is hard! Having a teen with high support needs I know only too well.

I agree with pp who say that you'd be judged whatever you do.