To tell MIL she can't hold baby

[FreightTrain]

Just arrived at in-laws with our 7w old DD, they've met her twice.

MIL gets cold sores, discussed with DH in car and asked him to be on look out for if she has one as she can't hold baby if so. Arrived, no cold sore but after being here ten mins it seems she is a bit ill. Sounds hoarse, nose a bit red, popping cough sweets. DH is an oblivious man so either hasn't noticed or hasn't put 2+2 together about it not being ideal to have our baby around her.

I've managed to escape the room that they're having lunch as baby needs fed. I want out of here asap and don't want her to hold baby. What do I do?!

When my husband granny met our son he was asleep and she put her finger in his mouth to try and wake him! I almost screamed!!

Yanbu, I wouldn't want anyone holding my new baby if they had the slightest hint of a cold. Don't really care what their actual illness is, if you look sick and sniffy then you wouldn't be holding the baby.

@sunsetsandboardwalks

I still can't imagine depriving a grandparent of a cuddle with their new grandchild over a minor cold. Each to their own, of course, but OP can't be surprised when it has a negative impact on their relationship.

This is exactly the type of attitude I cannot get my head around. Why would anyone allow something like this to have a negative impact on a relationship? Makes no sense to me.

But surely if you could've avoided it, you would have?

Threads like this are wild to me. No one needs, or is entitled to, cuddles with a baby that is not theirs, and especially not when they’re ill in anyway. People’s survivor bias is showing on this thread.

And catching viruses does not help build the immune system. I’m so sick of hearing that. It’s utter bollocks.

https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2022/is-the-hygiene-hypothesis-true

I would be fuming that MIL hadn't warned me she was ill and would be leaving asap.
Respiratory illnesses are airborne and your little one can pick up whatever she has just by being in the same room as her (so can you and DH for that matter).
If you can't leave , try and ventilate the room as much as possible, no I wouldn't let her hold her, ideally the adults should be wearing masks (to reduce the risk of transmission to you that you could pass to DD at a later time).
MIL should do a covid test too.
I don't know what people are thinking exposing young babies to illnesses unnecessarily. Your MIL should know better.
The world has gone mad.
Hope none of you catch it 🤞

This.

My dad smokes a paquet a day and has never been vaccinated. He's 80. So everyone should start smoking and avoid getting vaccinated, right🙄. Don't even bother OP there will always be people who knows better than science..

@Maria1979 Exactly! All those asking if I'd treat my own mother the same - DD isn't even allowed in my mums house because she smokes (out the window, as if that makes a difference)

Exactly! There’s a blissful ignorance in some of these posts.

You are right to be worried about the baby - and actually I was being more supportive than I think you realise. Its perfectly sensible to be worried about exposing such a young baby. All this talk people indulge in of building immunity fails to take into account that newborns are much more fragile than older babies and toddlers. In large families in times gone by it was t unheard of to call babies “ baby” until their first birthday in case the baby died and they might use their given name on a subsequent baby. A first birthday was a milestone. Of course medicine is better now but the fact remains they are still comparatively more vulnerable. It’s fine to just say this is how you feel. I understand that posters were asking loaded questions about if you are “normally very anxious about health” etc, but don’t back off. It’s far less defensible to say “I just don’t want to look after a sick baby” and I think it will be infinitely more inflammatory with your mil if you word it that way. We all have to learn to stand out ground as advocate for our Dc; all my regrets are not for being overly protective but rather for things I look back at now and think I was right to have worried and should have just trusted my instinct. That was really the point I was making. It was a bit sarcastically worded so I’m sorry if it wasn’t clear on the face of it. So here it is straight: it’s a much better answer to be honest you are worried about the baby. Don’t be ashamed: it’s sensible. Lots of posters won’t be worried but it’s not their baby is it.

Never mind holding - she should not come to house!
Nobody with a virus should visit a 7 week old baby - really inconsiderate!

It’s entirely unavoidable for a baby with siblings or parents with a cold - they will be exposed and may get sick. I haven’t found this makes parents feel any better if their baby with a cold needs a PICU admission and intubation. I don’t really know why people are pretending an unavoidable (hypothetical) scenario of contact with sick parents/siblings is an amazing GOTCHA proving how silly the OP is.

It makes perfect sense to avoid contact with sick people where possible when you have a small baby.

oh - and the poster whose neonate had a cold and is now a thriving eight month old? That’s cool, and that’s true for most babies who have a cold including those who need a ventilator to survive it. Still reasonable to avoid if possible.

Sorry, your information is not correct. You can shed the virus absent symptoms.

It is such a common belief, I've even had a doctor tell me that. So worrying when people just don't understand the basics.

First baby ?

Some people here have more empathy for the grandmother (who has already met and cuddled the baby twice in 7 weeks!) than for the new mother. You know, the woman who carried this child for 9 months, birthed the child and is now brand new to the scary and exhausting world of parenting. Give her a break and some extra empathy. She’ll still be dealing with the hormone changes and adapting to lack of sleep.

Grown adults are not entitled to cuddle a baby. The grandmother is unwell. She can snuggle the baby next time. There will be other times.

But you are making this a face off between the mother and the MIL; it’s really the interests of the mil vs the best interests of the baby.

If you've touched anything in the house, e.g door handles then touched the baby without washing your hands first, it's too late to worry anyway.

Maybe ask MIL if she's feeling okay, it could be hay-fever? If she has a cold, suggest she doesn't hold the baby this time just in case. I wouldn't hold a baby if I had a bug so she might not even ask anyway.

You’re not being unreasonable at all when my baby was a month and a half old my inlaws came to visit and my FIL had a major cough which we weren’t told about he held it in until he held the baby and proceeded to cough all over the baby. I was so annoyed by this as little one had been quite poorly previously and MIL has cold sores a lot and she proceeded to kiss the baby after being asked not to do so as that was one of the rules we’d outlined before baby was born. Cold sores can be fatal to babies! I’d get my partner to say something to them it’s his parents after all. It doesn’t have to be horrible it could just be something like in future if you aren’t well please can you let us know and we can reschedule when you are feeling better. Needless to say the novelty has worn off with my in-laws and they don’t even bother with the baby anymore.

It’s not too late to worry. Cross contamination isn’t some sort of infallible mechanism guaranteed to make everyone sick. They might not have had the virus on their hands, it might have “died” on the handle, your hand might not pick it up, it might get wiped off by something else, it might “die” on your hand, you might not get it onto the baby in a way that gets into their system, it might not be enough of a viral load to make the baby sick.

You have no idea if you’ve passed a virus on until the baby gets sick, so it’s worth taking steps to avoid the minute you can.

I wouldn’t want myself exposed to illness if I could avoid it. Find a convenient excuse to leave.

The baby has their parents to advocate for them. OP is protecting her young child and being told - by many on here - that she’s being precious so it was made about her vs MIL.

Anybody with any sense at all would say ‘ I’ll keep my distance as I have a cold sore’

I'd let her hold your baby but ask her not to kiss her on this occasion