To tell MIL she can't hold baby

[FreightTrain]

Just arrived at in-laws with our 7w old DD, they've met her twice.

MIL gets cold sores, discussed with DH in car and asked him to be on look out for if she has one as she can't hold baby if so. Arrived, no cold sore but after being here ten mins it seems she is a bit ill. Sounds hoarse, nose a bit red, popping cough sweets. DH is an oblivious man so either hasn't noticed or hasn't put 2+2 together about it not being ideal to have our baby around her.

I've managed to escape the room that they're having lunch as baby needs fed. I want out of here asap and don't want her to hold baby. What do I do?!

I understand where you're coming from with both, any reasonable person if they either had a cold or an active cold sore wouldn't ask to hold the baby so you're well within your rights to say no and give your, very legitimate, reasons.

Oh I thought you were worried about the baby.

If it’s just that then I think I you’re being a bit selfish.

I'd never go near a newborn when I had any cold or illness.

No one should. It's just common sense.

You are absolutely right to tell anyone who's ill to keep well away.

Quote MN rule 19a. “A MIL should be forbidden to touch a baby in the first 8 years of life. “
“After this age permission must be sought . “

I mean that’s a bit harsh. You can tell who’s had to deal with seriously ill babies as a result of catching a cold and who hasn’t. I’m not a MIL basher at all, saw mine on the way home fro hospital etc, no “baby bubble” here - everyone welcome. But my 10 day old got rushed to A&E having caught a cold, and whilst I didn’t lock us away after that, I did make sure to keep my distance from anyone (MIL or otherwise) who was exhibiting cold symptoms. Sometimes shit happens and they catch things, but no harm mitigating the risk where possible, especially as they’re so vulnerable as newborns and even a simple cold can cause nasty consequences.

No way would I let a person with a contagious illness hold my newborn baby. Totally reasonable.

I remember asking my friend to wash her hands before she held my newborn (she has a grubby job) and she looked at me like I was insane.

No one wants a newborn to be sick. It's hard enough when they're perfectly healthy.

Stick to your guns my 8 year old now gets cold sores and it's 100% because I didn't manage my MIL enough with kisses. It's horrendous to manage especially with now 3 DD's and I feel guilt everytime she gets one.

@Calliopespa surely it goes without saying that I care about my child but to be honest, until some of the replies on here I didn't know how serious a cold could be for a baby, so probably wasn't as worried as I should have been!

Thanks for the support though 🙃

Cold sores require contact to pass ie. through kissing nor just holding

Even if they don’t have complications it’s just not very pleasant - at that age you’re relatively limited as to what you can give them, and it’s just not comfortable for them (or you!). Hopefully it’ll be fine and your MIL can give her a nice cuddle when she’s feeling better, it really shouldn’t be a drama just common sense!

I think you are unreasonable. Cold sores are only an issue if active. I have them. I just didn't kiss my babies when I had one. Someone cannot pass them one if they don't have one going on. The virus is mainly dormant. You worry about nothing. In terms of a cold, your baby is young and will have antibodies. You just cannot avoid them forever.
And would you treat your own mum like that ???

I get it, it’s your first and obviously you don’t want them to get ill. My first didn’t get a cold until she was 8 months. My second had one at 4 weeks thanks to his big sister bringing everything but the plague home from nursery. But you can’t live your life worrying about every single thing, ask her to wash her hands and maybe don’t touch the baby’s face. Obviously don’t cough of sneeze on the baby but that’s about as far as I would go. If baby gets a cold they will be fine.

This MIL has met and cuddled the baby twice. This isn’t the first meeting. Babies are vulnerable and their health comes before an adult’s feelings.

@FreightTrain

You just don't like your MIL

At least be honest

I would treat my own mum more harshly because I wouldn't be worried about hurting her feelings.

Why are you still here? Go away.

I'm not for a single second going to waste my time justifying to you whether I like my mother-in-law or not.

Thanks!

She didn't ask to hold the baby today after all so maybe she has more common sense than I was giving her credit for. Either that or she sensed I was being a bit stand off-ish.

She does have previous of being highly offended when not allowed to hold her other newborn grandchild whilst she had an active cold sore. Hence me being a bit on edge about the whole thing!

I'm aware of this but would rather err on the side of caution and not risk someone with an active cold sore holding her.

With regard to the cold sore thing. Have a look at the Compeed patches. I suffer from cold sores and they got worse when I gave birth. I always put these patches on just in case I touched baby by accident.

@Nottodaythankyou123 that makes sense thanks for your post. Very new parent here!

I agree it shouldn't be a drama and thankfully it wasn't on this occasion. As I've said in other posts, she can be quite easily offended so these types of things have turned into dramas in the past which is why I sought advice. I can be a bit of a bull in a china shop sometimes as my family don't do offence!

but she doesn't have an active cold sore. You said she had a cold 🤷

I've just driven over an hour to visit her today, so if anything I'd say I'm pretty reasonable to not be more pissed off that she didn't give us the heads up that she was under the weather.

If my own mother had of put me in this situation I would have read her the riot act.

There speaks someone who has never seen babies with bronchiolitis (caused by cold viruses) fighting for breath.

@coaltitsrock different virus, same stance

I’d be fuming if my MIL happily saw my new baby with a cold. How bloody selfish!! So yes I’d say ‘oh you’re poorly? We shouldn’t have come as maybe you need some rest!’ In fact I’d want to say that but I’d have hidden somewhere else with baby and text my husband to make an excuse for us leaving 😆