To tell MIL she can't hold baby

[FreightTrain]

Just arrived at in-laws with our 7w old DD, they've met her twice.

MIL gets cold sores, discussed with DH in car and asked him to be on look out for if she has one as she can't hold baby if so. Arrived, no cold sore but after being here ten mins it seems she is a bit ill. Sounds hoarse, nose a bit red, popping cough sweets. DH is an oblivious man so either hasn't noticed or hasn't put 2+2 together about it not being ideal to have our baby around her.

I've managed to escape the room that they're having lunch as baby needs fed. I want out of here asap and don't want her to hold baby. What do I do?!

I could absolutely have written this post. I felt exactly the same around my DM who has coldsores when my DS was tiny. To be honest, my stomach still drops when she has one now because, even though it's not as dangerous now, I still don’t want him to have a lifelong painful virus! My DM doesn't seem to understand how it transmits either (no matter how often I tell her that she has to wash her hands really regularly!) ... my advice is to just be really upfront but perhaps a little self-deprecating about it. Tell her that recent studies have shown that the coldsore virus is really (can be life-threateningly) dangerous for babies under 6m and so, while you know she doesn't seem to have an active one, the fact that she is clearly under the weather means she might be shedding the virus, so you'd rather she didn't hold the baby until she's well. She's welcome to call and pop over when she's feeling better.

Colds and coughs are airborne droplet infections meaning anyone in the same room is exposed

if you are uncomfortable leave, her not holding you Baby won’t stop baby getting sick if she’s infectious

Her not holding the baby will stop the transfer of the herpes virus, which can kill a young baby. I can’t believe some of the stuff I’m reading on here. The OP is 100% not overreacting.

OP I completely understand I would tell her that she looks unwell and using caugh sweets. I would not want my DC to become unwell as although baby as your antibodies they can still get unwell. My daughter caught whooping caugh at 5 weeks and she stopped breathing 27 times and needed to be on ventilation for 5 days and in hospital for 2 weeks. I would not risk anything!

A caring grandma wouldn't want to hold a baby if she was ill. You are not unreasonable. You don't know what kind of virus she may have. My granddaughter was hospitalised twice before the age of 2 with viral illness. I get cold sores, and wouldn't go near her if I had one, or a common cold. I wouldn't let them visit if I was unwell. Your MIL should understand. If she doesn't and got offended at you not wanting her to hold the baby, too bad !!! It's not wrong of you to put baby's welfare first. Tell your husband to explain and take the heat !!!!

I never said she was overreacting I told her to leave if uncomfortable as a cough or cold virus is airborne nothing you can do to stop catching it

I didn’t mention the cold sores as op suggested she didn’t have one so therefore that part is irrelevant and she’s worried about the cold or cough infecting baby

I spent years studying including months on viruses and bacteria etc

Sadly, not true. A work friends baby died at 8 weeks old after contracting herpes from her grandmothers coldsore.

It is better to be over cautious in your little ones first 12 weeks of life.

Maybe just man up and say no, sorry, you're ill. You can hold her when you're better. At the end of the day, she's your daughter. Get a back bone. Strangers on the internet can't really help..

Are you for real?? Protecting babies health is not being precious!! My neighbours baby developed meningitis from a virus her grandfather had, her coffin in the hearse outside my house was the force than led to me moving away !!!

Many, many, many babies with colds have it develop to bronchiolitis, which is the commonest cause of hospital admission in under ones. In winter, almost all our patients can be babies on oxygen/breathing support and receiving NG/IV feeds. I have personally intubated multiple babies for them to go on ventilators, and be shipped out to intensive care at a bigger hospital, because their colds turned into severe bronchiolitis.

I'm suprised your MiL let you visit if she was ill. I would not visit small children if I had a cold or cold sore.

I wouldn't ask for advice here OP. MN in general can be dismissive of issues like this because it's thought that grandparents can do no wrong and there's no consideration for mum's feelings.

You're not being precious. Those comments can do one.

You're allowed to choose who holds your baby and when. If you don't want anyone who is visibly ill to hold your newborn then so be it. It's tough. You're the parent.
It's one thing if you KNOW someone is ill and another if you're questioning someone's health before you offer for them to hold your baby.

Those saying it doesn't matter and "you'll soon moan when the grandparents aren't helping" have obviously never had a baby in hospital with RSV or bronchitis. It's dangerous for a baby to catch so is it worth the risk just so granny doesn't get the hump? No it's not.

You can visit family without them holding your baby. It's not against the law. I don't know why people on here seem to think grandparents must hold your baby whenever you see them.

And maybe someone should tell the parents of 7 week old babies who ended up in hospital, or worse, that they can't get ill because they have antibodies. Daft.

There are cases where babies have passed due to people not listening when parents asked them not to kiss their baby with a cold sore.

Everyone was asking how high when the government said jump just a while ago. It's a shame they don't have the same reaction when it comes to a baby's health.

You are not being unreasonable. Cold sores are highly contagious. A common cold is equally contagious. if she has either and is still in the incubation period of the latter, ie the cold, Your child is still at risk. I am sure she will understand if you tell her politely why she can't hold the baby. If she does not, then that's unfortunate; she should still not hold the baby. No sentiments where the baby's health is involved.

It’s not irrelevant - for people who get cold sores a cough / cold is often a sign a cold sore is to come in the next day or few days, and those people can asymptomatically spread the virus before the cold sore emerges. So it’s absolutely relevant, it can be a warning sign. Maybe you missed that bit in all your studying?

Think that's totally reasonable. My family didn't come round if they were poorly and my Mil said I won't hold her today as I'm a bit poorly. ❤️ We have three so not precious at all but postpartum is hard enough without a cold. Lots of opportunities for cuddles in the future. X

That's absolutely not true. My breastfed baby caught bronchiolitis and strep pneumonia at 5 weeks.

Literally this. My 5 week old ended up in HDU with bronchitis and strep pneumonia of the lungs. Immunity till 6 months... Face palm

It is true. I didn't say it doesn't happen, but your case is unusual.

Hope your baby is ok.

What is wrong with people saying op is being precious or over the top???? She has a newnorn baby with low Immune system regardless of what they get from us it's still best avoidable, a sick baby for the sake of a cuddle would be totally irresponsible from both mum and mil. Op just say no sorry I don't want to risk him/her catching anything because it's DANGEROUS aswell as a sick baby being even harder than normal to look after! If it was me I would leave and be pissed off they even let me come and didn't have the sense to say "I'm ill" some people are oblivious/thick or selfish.... baby only has you to protect it...be as mama bear as you like sod everyone elses opinion!

Just adding to this - my breastfed two week old caught bronchiolitis from MIL’s cold and was hospitalised for ten days. The hospitals are full of babies with similar respiratory issues over winter particularly but it’s not at all unusual. I don’t know why people keep insisting it is. Why take the risk?!

Get over it. You are being ridiculous. Would you leave the house or expect dad to leave the house if got a cold. New parent thing. You will be over this by your second baby I pray. Why do you look at a person as if they are a germ. She has cold sores, make sure she does not have one today…? You are looking for her to be unwell for some reason. Are you getting together to often? Are you upset this is the 3rd time in 7 weeks. It settles down.

At kid a park or soft play are contagious a day before symptoms. She would go there. A parent is contagious a day before symptoms. She holds her baby. It’s getting and fighting off germs that builds a strong immune system. The baby isn’t fighting cancer.

It it not at all uncommon for babies to get it and MOST can be treated at home. Many many babies are injured in a car accidents but you will put your kid in one? I would not recommend plastic wrap around a baby. But honestly trying to keep anything from happening means nothing can happen to a baby. I think people are being Nemo’s dad.

Utterly baffled by all the posts shocked and having a go at you. Of course you don’t want someone with a cold to hold your baby. Where the hell has people’s common sense gone?? Why is the priority the grown up grandma’s feelings and not the baby’s health? Bizarre.

Of course babies will catch bugs and get ill but why would anyone knowingly expose their newborn to one when it would be so simple not to?

This thread is one of those threads where I feel like I’ve stepped into a parallel universe.

But you would always make sure your child was in a suitable car seat to keep them as safe as possible. In the same way you wouldn’t deliberately expose your baby to a potentially dangerous illness when it could be avoided