To tell MIL she can't hold baby

[FreightTrain]

Just arrived at in-laws with our 7w old DD, they've met her twice.

MIL gets cold sores, discussed with DH in car and asked him to be on look out for if she has one as she can't hold baby if so. Arrived, no cold sore but after being here ten mins it seems she is a bit ill. Sounds hoarse, nose a bit red, popping cough sweets. DH is an oblivious man so either hasn't noticed or hasn't put 2+2 together about it not being ideal to have our baby around her.

I've managed to escape the room that they're having lunch as baby needs fed. I want out of here asap and don't want her to hold baby. What do I do?!

No way in hell let her hold the baby. My 6 week ended up very poorly with entroviral meningitis after an adult with just a "sniffle" held him. No kissing just close proximity. Babies that little have zero immune sytem

Many years ago when my child was 4 weeks old my Mil turned up with a very heavy cold and proceeded to stand in the corner of the lounge so she didn’t pass on her cold to anyone.

Too late, me, my husband and baby all came done with what ever she had, we all ended up at different hospitals as they couldn’t accommodate us all in the same hospital, and on top of that my husband almost died.

My mum’s newborn sister died as a result of a guest turning up ill to see the new baby.

Are people really that stupid not to let the babies parents know they are ill before they visit.

Nice generalisation! I'm a mother of sons and I wouldn't dream of holding a baby if I was ill. I would have cancelled completely.

@FreightTrain do whatever you need to do to keep your baby safe. Other people will have different levels of risk appetite and that's fine. I personally wouldn't let anyone with a call hold my 7 week old and I don't mind if people think I'm precious. If my child was really ill after, they would be happily in their own homes with their families and not enduring my struggles with me

*Edited for spelling

You’re not being precious at all. I would never visit a newborn baby if I had a cold and if one crossed my path I would excuse myself from holding it if I am unwell. I think it’s just common sense! Lots of nice phrases on here to use but I would express that you are disappointed too as you wanted a lovely photo of grandma and baby but sadly it’ll have to wait til next time.

As someone who's been in the hospital with a sick baby, I can understand why you're concerned OP. A newborn is indeed vulnerable and I think it's not worth the risk, so have your DH speak up or make an excuse so you can leave. Part of having a child is becoming more assertive, and it's not too early to start. Do what you think is best for your child and don't worry about the rest. Good luck

Wow what a selfish woman, she should have told you she was a bit unwell and then let you make the call whether you still want to come.

It's mad isn't it, if I had a cold I wouldn't dream of hugging/kissing other people so why should a baby have to put up with it?

To the dickhead saying pfb alert...I wouldn't want my 10th baby staying with someone who couldn't be bothered letting me know they were ill. Never mind first baby.

Your first baby? I can understand how u feel...totally. I imagine the baby will be fine esp as you're Breast feeding?

I also think its fine if u explain your reservation to your MIL too. No problem with that. If she doesn't respect that , thats a red flag to me. And you'll see more of that from her in future visits I am guessing

most ppl in my experience around a very young baby, volunteer NOT to hold a baby if they are even SLIGHTLY unwell

It's ridiculous because there has to be contact. As long as someone washes their hands and doesn't kiss baby there is no risk.

Jesus Christ. That's fine for you, but for mothers who don't get cold sores, their babies have no immunity - and it has been and can be fatal for those babies. We had a mumsnetter years ago who it happened to.

Your baby, your call to make. Just go about it nicely and politely. Tell her your GP has said to be careful the first months and not expose your baby to anyone who is potentially ill. I did this with my lovely Mil when she had ideas I didn't agree with. Not really honest but it avoided conflicts and my judgment questioned. Personally I would not let your Mil hold the baby. Ignore those calling you precious, you will have to stand up to the same people when they say do not vaccinate your child because they will get autism or Bill Gates conspiracies.🙄

For all the babies who caught something off family and were "fine" there's always one that dies and the family have to live with that forever.
She should have let you know she was ill, I'd be leaving personally.

Just show her a link to the dangers of cold sores in babies

She will love her grandchild and not wish to cause any harm .

She doesnt have one currently so you are worrying over nothing

Yabu not allowing her to hold her grandchild you are absolutely right in enforcing a no kissing rule

If she is genuinely unwell as opposed to a bit of hay fever again you are justified in not allowing snuggles. But your post overall seems rather ott and slightly precious tbh

You say she’s only a bit ill and so I’d have no problem with it.

But if she’s coughing and sneezing then the virus would be in the air anyway and I’d make an excuse to be outside as much as possible and perhaps not stay too long.

Absolutely mad replies on here. You are absolutely correct OP. Yes, babies need to develop their immune systems but this will happen naturally over time without being deliberately exposed to viruses at 7 weeks old. Babies are hospitalised with RSV. I wouldn't be so selfish to expect to hold a baby if I had a cold, so I wouldn't expect it off anyone else either.

My partner used to get cold sores you're not being unreasonable. He would never kiss our children if had a cold sore. I don't remember him ever kissing the children.

For a cold, or any other immune response to cause a cold sore, you have to have the herpes simplex virus.

I'm on the fence here. If actually ill then no she shouldn't really hold baby, but her symptoms seem very mild - certainly mind enough that you're husband didn't notice. If its that mild, I'd be ok with it.

I wasn't ok with SIL meeting my first at 2 weeks with a heavy, streaming fluish cold which she told us about whilst en route - as in 'I'm an hour away. I feel absolutely awful, I've got a rotten cold'. Oh, and she had a visible coldsore. I didn't want to make a fuss so let her have the cuddles, but I was fuming. I'm less passive these days thankfully 😂

So you ask midwives, drs etc etc if they have ever had a cold sore before allowing them to touch your baby? Because the op stated mil has had cold sores in the past. Not that she has one now and has attempted to kiss her baby with an active one, Jesus Christ .

And if they inadvertently touch the cold sore - especially one that has burst - then the baby, the damage is done. The immune system of a baby so young can’t cope with the herpes simplex virus and it can be fatal - and with no outward signs to indicate what it is that’s wrong. I wouldn’t be risking that.

OP you're a new mum with a little baby. You can absolutely feel this way. My MIL always says new mums can feel however they want about others and their baby.
If you need to, make an excuse about you not feeling great and needing to get home. Or be honest and say you don't want the baby to get poorly.

Not wanting someone who is ill to not get close to your 7 WEEK baby is not 'precious'. Yes she would say the same if it was her own mum.