To tell MIL she can't hold baby

[FreightTrain]

Just arrived at in-laws with our 7w old DD, they've met her twice.

MIL gets cold sores, discussed with DH in car and asked him to be on look out for if she has one as she can't hold baby if so. Arrived, no cold sore but after being here ten mins it seems she is a bit ill. Sounds hoarse, nose a bit red, popping cough sweets. DH is an oblivious man so either hasn't noticed or hasn't put 2+2 together about it not being ideal to have our baby around her.

I've managed to escape the room that they're having lunch as baby needs fed. I want out of here asap and don't want her to hold baby. What do I do?!

OP stated she didn’t want her MiL holding her baby with an active cold sore. The implication being that is it wasn’t active it was fine for MiL to touch and hold the baby.

The reason for not wanting her to hold the baby now is because MiL appears to have an active common cold virus.

There’s nothing ridiculous about wanting someone with a communicable illness to take steps not to pass it on to a 7 week old baby.

Babies’ immune systems are not well developed at 7 weeks, even if they’re being breastfed it’s best to avoid situations where they are likely to pick something up.

I hate how the onus is on OP to say something and be the "bad guy". If I have anyone planning to visit and someone in the house falls unwell I would let them know so we could postpone, let alone someone with a 7 week old baby. It's not about having "rights" to hold a grandchildren. Why would you want to potentially make your vulnerable young family member poorly?

You can shed the coldsore virus (herpes) when you are well.

The reason for not wanting her to hold the baby now is because MiL appears to have an active common cold virus.

I didn’t say this was unreasonable!

This can't be unusual. My new 6 week old DGS hasn't been around anyone who is remotely poorly thank goodness. Plenty of time to expose little ones.

I'm a new grandmother and besotted with my grandchild, but wouldn't dream of going near her if I wasn't well. I want the very best for her - my need to hold her doesn't override my desire for her to be well. Yes, of course she'll pick up bugs but I wouldn't deliberate put her in that position.

If she means anybody who has ever been in contact with somebody who has the virus forever, that will also include the baby's father (and probably her as well, now she's been in contact with her husband enough to conceive).

Same here. SIL cancelled coming to see our DS at about 6 weeks because my niece had a cold and she didn’t want to risk passing it on.

The whole ‘need to be exposed to build up their immune systems’ does not apply to small babies and respiratory viruses where a virus that is mild for an adult or older child can put a baby in the ICU or worse.

Yes, if it’s a parent or older sibling there isn’t much you can do but that doesn’t mean you should expose your baby to risk you don’t need to just because it could have been an older sibling.

I swear this advice used to be common sense until recently.

MIL is unlikely to pass on her coldsore if she washes her hands properly and doesn't kiss the baby, with or without a visiable sore. A conversation may need to be had, asking her politely not to kiss the baby and to wash hands before handling, but i would assume all family members are already aware of this and do it as a matter of course but no harm just reminding them if not.

As for the common cold, i'm afraid, your baby will be exposed too this many times over, by both those with and without symptoms. I am a new grandmother myself and i personally wouldnt visit or expect visits if i'm unwell, but maybe MIL doesn't consider themselves to be 'that ill'.

Not sure why you had to make it clear its your MIL? can you not talk to her?

@NeverDropYourMooncup if I meant that I would have said that. As per my previous post I was just giving context to the situation: "poor me I have an oblivious husband and I prepped him for situation a but now we have situation b"

Thanks to everyone who has been so helpful and lovely and thanks to the trolls and conclusion jumpers for keeping it interesting.

TBH I'm pretty straight talking and would have had no qualms being honest with her, but luckily the situation didn't arise as she didn't ask to hold DD so awkwardness for everyone averted.

In an ideal world I think she should have gave us the heads up, but it's not an ideal world is it Mumsnet.

This thread did keep me entertained while I did what one PP recommended and fed the baby for longer than strictly necessary.

There's no such thing thing as only a bit or mildly ill with a cold virus. It's a virus. You either have one or you don't. Symptoms can vary by individual. The stage one is at is very unlikely to be known. I wouldn't risk it with any baby of my own nor would I risk exposing someone else's to my illness.

I've had cause to spend a lot of time hanging around A&E over the last few years with my bunch of conditions. The sheer number of frantic parents holding lethargic babies who can't breathe is enough to make me super cautious. To put it bluntly, the sound of little ones drowning in their own snot is horrific.

No, it can't always be avoided but don't invite it to please an adult who wants cuddles.

This is a dangerous comment. It's not ridiculous. You were lucky, but in my job I've seen first hand the devastating effect of newborns catching the herpes virus from adults with cold sores, it can be fatal.

Well the whole attitude of your posts have given the vibe that you think MIL is somehow grotty or beneath you so I’d say get out of there ASAP. Absolutely no one should be accepting hospitality from someone they’re sat there judging.

As a MIL and doting grandma, of course it's reasonable not to hold the baby if you've got a cold or an active cold sore. And guess what - she didn't even ask to! But your tone sounded quite ungenerous and suspicious I thought. Trouble ahead.

My Mil, now 93, wasn't great with young babies and she was very posh whereas I was/am not. She'd say slightly weird/controlling things, didn't like mess. I always forgave her and made allowances because she'd adopted my ex-H and didn't really have experience with young babies. I like to think I was kind and she was in all sorts of ways very kind to me. In later years she gave my children deposits for their flats and we're all mucking in together to help her in her last years.

So she wasn't even interested in holding your baby afterall LOL, how disappointing...

Rather late to the party, but wanted to say, as a nanny and MIL just say I’m sorry but I don’t think a baby cuddle is a good idea today you sound as if you have a cold coming on. If she takes offence that’s her problem.

i have cancelled arrangements with my children to visit with babies when I or DH feel unwell, there’s noway I would have had you visit without at least checking with you first, and I certainly wouldn’t hold the baby, much as it would break my heart

Can't stand posts like this 😩

Don’t let her hold the baby. Not sure why people think you’re being over the top or precious, it should be common sense to protect a little baby.

Yanbu op. In fact when my daughter was discharged from hosp we were advised to avoid people with colds etc.

My 7 week old baby caught a chest bug from adult visitors . He was incredibly unwell and we spent a week with a baby who could hardly breath , couldn’t feed as nose was blocked. It was so worrying .
I would not risk it OP. This is YOUR baby and MIL can wait until next time for a cuddle . Why put a baby at risk?

But your mother in law hasn’t actually got a cold sore? If she did it would be more understandable. I think it’s very rare that babies get poorly this way.

So if u have a baby that catches something off your 2 year old and dies do u blame the older child for rest of their life?

If it’s someone who lives in the house it’s harder to avoid obviously, but that doesn’t justify extra unneeded exposure.