To tell MIL she can't hold baby

[FreightTrain]

Just arrived at in-laws with our 7w old DD, they've met her twice.

MIL gets cold sores, discussed with DH in car and asked him to be on look out for if she has one as she can't hold baby if so. Arrived, no cold sore but after being here ten mins it seems she is a bit ill. Sounds hoarse, nose a bit red, popping cough sweets. DH is an oblivious man so either hasn't noticed or hasn't put 2+2 together about it not being ideal to have our baby around her.

I've managed to escape the room that they're having lunch as baby needs fed. I want out of here asap and don't want her to hold baby. What do I do?!

This. One of my sisters is also a paediatric nurse and was telling me last weekend about the numbers of babies hospitalised with "just a cold" that can be fatal.

These poor things have to be tube fed and helped to breathe, not to mention the nursing time taken and multiple bed spaces 365 days a year.

Ohhhhh, tough one OP. I would NOT want anyone with cold sores holding my child. It’s a hard NO.

‘Depriving’ 🤣 I’m sorry, but what?! Any decent person would totally understand and actively avoiding trying to pass on an illness to a newborn. They’d understand their WANT for a cuddle isn’t as important as the babies NEED to avoid infection.

The GP won’t be the one caring for a sick newborn who’s struggling to sleep because they feel awful or struggling to feed as their nose is blocked - a newborn can’t easily breathe through their mouth. A 7wk old still can’t have Calpol, so you can’t even make them comfortable.

If someone took that greater offence to not holding a baby because they were unwell, then they’re probably not someone you’d want around anyway

You are not precious at all. I stayed away from people with colds when mine were babies, and I am pretty relaxed when it comes to health. A young baby with a cold is hard work even if they are not very unwell. They don't feed well, they don't sleep well etc. Not a big deal if they end up getting a cold, but why not try to avoid it?? I don't hug people that are ill myself, why should my baby??

Obviously phrase it in the best way possible but the bottom line is it’s not happening today.
The child’s welfare trumps hurt feelings every time. A reasonable person would understand, an unreasonable one will find something else to fall out over anyway. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm sorry-but you obviously have a cold-you'll have to wait til next time to hold the baby
It doesn't seem to be obvious since OP@s husband hasn't even notice. As some poster stated, it could very well be hayfever, I gave it quite bad this week.

How about a kind rather than defensive approach? Such as: Hi MIL, I've notice you were taking cough tablets. Are you ok, can I help in anyway? If you don't mind, I think it is probably better if you don't held baby on this occasion just in case, but how about you come over in two weeks time?

So selfish of her to put you in this awkward position in the first place. Don’t see why she couldn’t have seen the decent thing to do would’ve been to have messaged beforehand and said she was unwell (clearly she’s feeling shit if she’s taking medicine for it!) and let you make your own decision form there. I’m not one to panic about illness generally but your baby is 7 weeks old! That’s still so tiny.

Baby is breastfed? Keep her on your chest. You know you don’t have to give up your child if you don’t want to, right?

It’s her Grandchild, let her hold the baby.

Pfb alert

Ignore the utterly stupid people who are making you feel daft worrying about someone who is visibly ill holding your baby. Babies gave ZERO immunity from common colds and virus floating around, only have protected immunity from mum for viruses mum has had for a limited time. Considering there are thousands of strains of colds, some much worse than others , this can be very risky for newborns. Babies acquire an immune system going about day to day life, you do not need to put your baby directly in the 'firing line' of illnesses! Trust your gut. I did exactly the same with my children as newborns and also got people to wash their hands before holding baby and absolutely not allowed to kiss baby face/ hands!

Is she actually properly ill or are you being a bit over sensitive?

Also this. My MIL always, always, alwayssss updates us on her health if we are due to visit. If she has the slightest chance of a cold, we reschedule.

Common sense would say to let someone know before they visit with a newborn that you have a cold.

a common cold can kill a baby. It’s really not worth the risk.

That's so selfish of her. My own mum would absolutely not even try to hold a baby if she had a cold and she would tell us not to come in the first place.

I'd be upfront IF she tries to hold him and say you look a bit ill, don't want to risk your grandson becoming ill when he's so little.

Personally, I'd rather let grandma down gently than have her hold the baby: "Perhaps we can do cuddles next time. I wouldn't want x to catch a cold. I'm cautious as she's so young and her immune system is still developing."

Is it a bit ridiculous to not know they were ill and then find out after you're there, and so decide at the time that the ill person shouldn't have physical contact?

I would leave. It's really unfair of your MIL not to tell you that she was ill beforehand. I had a cold when my dn was a few weeks old. I said I wouldn't be visiting because I wasn't well but was looking forward to cuddles when I was better. They came round to my house and offered for me to hold the baby but I was still not well and I would cuddle her the next week. Both parents were fine with it but I wasn't. 6 months later my then 5 year old passed on chicken pox to her before his spots came out. I was mortified. Apparently it was going round his class at school but I didn't know that until a few days later. My now 16 year old was hospitalised at 8 months with the flu because someone attended a family gathering when they were ill and didn't pre warn me. I would have stayed away if I'd known.

None of that statement is factual.

my youngest caught a cold from my eldest (at nursery) and ended up being blue lighted to the children’s hospital at 3 weeks. Baby’s have very fragile immune systems

Well yes I think DD2 caught a cold from DD1 at a few weeks old. And chickenpox also before she was 6 months. If you have older children it's almost guaranteed to happen. Unless of course you ship them off somewhere for the baby's first 6 months

As someone whose child has had several (necessary) hospital trips after catching what for others was a mild cold, I don't think it's unreasonable to say nobody with symptoms of a respiratory infection holds a small baby unnecessarily. If you don't feel comfortable with her holding your baby, then she shouldn't hold your baby. For diplomacy, maybe try to get your husband to be the one to tell her.

I don't even believe this to be honest. So many like this lately

As long as MIL isn't kissing the baby it will be fine.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable - my little one is under a year old and I remember being told that a cold could be more serious for a newborn?

when my sil came to visit and had a cold she just didn’t hold the baby. Didn’t stop her visiting but. Thankfully she was the one to raised it with me to let me know she had been unwell.

could always say “oh you sound a little choked up” and then bring up your concerns when asked to hold.

As long as you would do the same with your mum then I don’t see the issue

Ignore all the posters telling you you're over reacting OP.

My eldest was around 7 weeks old when, one afternoon when he was asleep in his pram, I notice something was wrong with his breathing.

He's actually stopped breathing I realised when I picked him up.

Thankfully, my husband pushed his mouth open, which enabled him to take a breath.

We ended up in A&E and the doctor we saw said his body was too immature to make him open his mouth to breath.

Obviously you can't avoid every germ with a small baby, especially if you have older children, but why would anyone think it's okay for MIL to hold a new born when she's got a cold?

In those circumstances the correct thing to do is to tell the baby's parents that you've got a cold and you'll wait to see baby when you're better.

If MIL is offended that OP doesn't want her to hold baby then she's either stupid, selfish or doesn't give a shit about the baby's welfare; if any of these apply then no one should worry about her taking offense.