Friends with camper vans needing lifts...

[Dygger]

I've been going to tai chi classes for a couple of years and made friends there with a woman who lives about 15 minutes away from me. Last year she and her partner retired. They'd had two cars and they sold one to buy a big, shiny new motorhome. Shortly after that she started phoning me asking me to give her a lift to t'ai chi because her partner needed the car to go to something he was doing. The first couple of times I just did it, but it became a regular expectation. It's a pain because she lives 15 minutes away from me in the wrong direction. So instead of a 15-minute drive from my house to the tai chi class, she wants me to drive 15 minutes to her and then 20 minutes to the class. And all because their shiny new £80k motorhome is too big and too inconvenient to use as a vehicle for everyday things.

Another friend, on a tight budget, sold her reliable 8-year-old Skoda Yeti that has never given her trouble and bought a 22-year-old little Romahome camper van which she planned to use as an everyday vehicle. Except that because it's 22 years old it's always got things going wrong with it. Practically every month she's owned it it's needed work doing — and because it's old, it can take a while to get parts. So she's off the road for weeks at a time and looks to me — and others as well — for lifts. I think she's got nervous of what might go wrong with the Romahome next, so tries not to use it unless she's going away for a weekend in it.

I've said no to them both on a few occasions in the last few months and I suspect they are both quite pissed off with me because I'm not being more helpful. Mrs Motorhome in particular. We have to finalise and pay for the new term's tai chi sessions starting in September. Yesterday she contacted me to say that unless I agreed to pick her up and take her home again when she doesn't have access to the car she doesn't want to waste money on booking sessions she won't be able to use. I responded by saying I couldn't promise anything. She replied that it was all so awkward, but she didn't want to waste money on taxis — to which I responded by saying 'I noticed.' She hasn't responded. AIBU?

“I noticed” is the greatest MN response I’ve seen yet, and is much better than “no is a complete sentence”. Well done. YANBU.

I was going to say almost the but I'd ask for a full week ( at least ) during the hight of summer / Bank hols

Too right say no, she didn’t even pretend she was going to negotiate with her DH on the use of the car they still have, why does he have first dibs? In MN parlance she doesn’t have a lift problem she has a DH problem.

Good for you op. Some people are so flippin entitled it boggles my mind!

I do think that if you asked for the campervan for a week, it might focus husbands head a bit to stop being so selfish with the car.

Nahhh, she probably just doesn't want to drive it. It'll be totally inconvenient to drive and PARK, I would imagine......

Love this!

There must be a name for the sheer joy I get when reading about someone standing up to a CF

YANBU - she is! We had a motorhome plus small car when I was young, and my DF always took the car due to his commute. My DM was perfectly happy to use the motorhome to do local trips. We wouldn’t have dreamed of asking someone else to collect us in those circumstances! It’s ridiculous!

If she doesn’t want to drive the motorhome there then she can’t go. That’s her fault. She’ll have to do alternate motorhome/car weeks with her DH. It’s absolutely not your problem.

I love your reply! It is not your responsibility to ensure she has transport to an activity. It is hers alone! Cheeky cow.

We went down to one car when we bought a motorhome. It's rare that we both need a vehicle at the same time, but when we do one of us takes the van (usually the person going to the place it'll be easier to park). I would never think of asking anyone for a lift when there's a perfectly functional vehicle sat on the drive. YANBU to say no.

I can’t get over how cheeky she was to basically put it on you and say she won’t be able to go to tai chi if you don’t drive her. The entitlement of “unless you agree to take me…” is unbelievable. I absolutely love the “I noticed” response- bloody brilliant!

I couldn’t emphasise with you more on this. Its not so much the case now that we are all in our mid 30s and a bit more settled, but in my friendship group in our 20s, a couple of the girls only had one car between them and their partner, and would often rely on the rest of us for lifts to places, and it used to really irritate me that their choice to save money by having one car affected my time and my money (petrol, going out of the way to collect them etc). I wouldn’t mind so much if I would be pretty much passing, but the WORST was one friend in particular where, we used to do a weekly games night at one friend who lived a 20min drive from me. Another girl loved 10mins in the opposite direction, and our weekly games night clashed with her boyfriends weekly football night. And for whatever reason, he always took the car, and she always asked me for a lift. So the 20min drive turned into a 40min one, there and back (10mins to hers, 10mins back passing my home, then the 20mins onto our friends house). And I’d be expected to do it there and back. And she was never that grateful. I did it for a few months because I felt a bit awkward about it, but then eventually asked her if maybe her boyfriend could start getting rides from his friends to football, and she could use their car, as it was becoming a bit much for me doing all the ferrying. From then on, she got the bus. I felt a bit awkward about it at first but then remembered it wasn’t my responsibility.

Anyone who has the chutzpah to say 'I noticed' , which was brilliant, definitely has the cojones to put a stop to the lifts.

I noticed

Finally someone who isn’t a doormat.

That would be 1 hour extra driving for you every time. CF.

"Yesterday she contacted me to say that unless I agreed to pick her up and take her home again when she doesn't have access to the car she doesn't want to waste money on booking sessions she won't be able to use. I responded by saying I couldn't promise anything. She replied that it was all so awkward, but she didn't want to waste money on taxis — to which I responded by saying 'I noticed."

Good for you OP. That was manipulative of her saying "unless" you pick her up and take her she won't be able to go.
She has several options. She could sort this out better with her husband to ensure fairer use of the car or he drops her off on the way to his activity and picks her up. She could use public transport or husband drops her off at a convenient place to get a bus/train if they don't live near a bus stop or station. She could cycle. They could buy a second cheap runaround car if they find they need two cars plus the motorhome. She could work out if there was somewhere she could get to by public transport which is on your way to the class and wait for you there if you were agreeable to that because maybe it wouldn't bother you if it was on your way anyway.
Or they could fucking pay for a taxi and stop being so bloody cheap and expecting people to drive 15 minutes in the opposite direction twice.
Or she doesn't do the class and finds one in a suitable location she can get to.

And the same goes for the Romahome person. She made a decision to buy that thing. It's turned out to be unreliable so she either sells it and gets a more reliable car or she works out public transport/taxi alternatives for when it's out of action or finds a better garage (my garage always gives me a courtesy car if mine needs to go in for something and I need a replacement car).

I didn't have a driving licence until I was nearly 40 due to living in a city where it wasn't necessary and I never once took the piss with things like this.

You weren’t cheeky at all OP, that was a brilliant comment. Well done you for showing her what she is….

They should have thought about the practicalities of a camper van before buying it!

We were very close to buying one a couple of years ago, but it was the practicalities than meant we ended up walking away. We realised it would be a pain in the neck for local driving, it would be a pain parked in our drive, we'd effectively be down to just one car for "normal" driving, i.e. commuting, shopping, etc., so we went with head rather than heart and didn't buy it.

Shame really, if we had space to park 2 cars and a camper van, we'd have probably gone for it, but lack of parking combined with insurance and vehicle tax for 3 vehicles, plus 3 vehicles of repairs/servicing, etc., it just wasn't worth it for us.

Shame the OPs friend didn't engage brain before buying!

Wild camping is a whole different thread!

Very much a thing nowadays and since lockdown a whole new breed of people decided to get a moho or camper and just pitch up anywhere that takes their fancy. FB groups & apps are used to share this information and then they get stroppy when councils listen to complaints from locals and clamp down on it.
This is a common threads amongst mohomers.☹️
Pubstops are less controversial, with the landlords permission (usually if you eat & drink in the pub) you can stop overnight in their carpark.

I can honestly say that in all our decades of moho ownership we have never wild camped or pub stopped once, much prefer a nice quiet site somewhere.👍
Yes campsites cost (anything from £15-£45/night) but when you spend upwards of £100k on a moho why park up for the night in some grotty layby or carpark?

She replied that it was all so awkward, but she didn't want to waste money on taxis — to which I responded by saying 'I noticed.' She hasn't responded. AIBU?

Great response OP! No, not unreasonable at all.

Oh great reply OP!

I just can't imagine asking someone to drive 15 mins in the wrong direction (twice) to give me a lift somewhere to save a taxi fare, under her circumstances. The fact that she is now trying to pile on the guilt too is really revealing to the type of person she is. If she can't work out that asking you for 40 minutes of your time & more than doubling your fuel costs (and wear and tear on car) to get to and from your class to save her money is CF by retirement age then...definitely not the kind of person who would make it from acquaintance to friend. Grim entitlement.

Alternative? Bike, e-bike, e-scooter, taxi, bus, walk

I love your response! She is being a CF

YANBU OP

It's to ask for favours from them to time but people have willingly given up their vehicles and expect someone else to put themselves out for you. She doesn't want to pay petrol but it's okay to double your journey time and use double the amount of petrol. It's not even just that. J wouldn't want the burden of the responsibility.

I salute you OP @Dygger

I perhaps wouldn’t have answered in quite the same way but very cheeky and manipulative of her indeed to put the responsibility of whether she goes to the class on you! Especially when she was presumably part of the decision to get rid of her car. Own your own mistakes people!

There are so many ways that she could have tackled this differently. By proposing that she pays you money to cover the cost and inconvenience of you going out of your way, or bartering with doing a bag of ironing a fortnight or an equivalent service, or as others have said, free use of the camper van.

Someone I know makes all the home made healthy muffins and snack bars for dc lunch boxes for her friend who drives her to tennis weekly - a longer distance than 15 mins - the arrangement works well.

Op you should not be the first person on the list of those she inconveniences! Your friend should be working this out with her dh so they alternate who gets firsts dibs at the car on different nights of the week. They need to sort this out between themselves and not involve you!

Sounds like its something for her to sort out with her husband?! Not you?! It's not your problem to resolve. I'm suprised she didn't offer you a fiver each time, to cover petrol expenses. That's still cheaper than a taxi! I'm sure she wouldn't enjoy going 30 minutes out of her way, everytime going to and from class.